Just call me Jiji

…me, just pretending to be me ….now, where did I put that cape??

No he isn’t crazy he just has ADHD

It’s 6:40 am and he is calmly humming london brigdge is faolling down into his cheerios. Just an hour ago he was banging on the front door to get into the house.

Sorry for the typos but my hands are shaking right now and my thoughts are racing faster than my hands can type.  But I have to get this out because I am about to EXPLODE. No elequant funny rants this time  just pure terror!! Fear for my child. fear for his safety, fear he will harm himself really badly one of these days.

Oh god I feel like I am having a heart attack right now!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i can’t end up in the hospital just now. I need to take care of Leon. But how?? Seriusly HOW?????????? Someone tell me what to do , because I just don’t know!

At 5:20am, he called out for someone to get up with him. I only know this cause Ron told me. i was dead asleep after only falling asleep just 1 hour before. At about 3am this morning in the shower I realized that I must have insomnia. Now I am thinking maybee I have a sixth  sence. because I thought about this very thing last night or I dreamt  it – I don’t know which. But in the dream he was 16 not 6 when he tried ti sneak out of the house. 

Ron went to him when he called and told him that it was way too early and he could play in his room till 6:30am ansd then come wake him up.

At 5:40am I woke up with a start, I grab ron an dsay WHAT WAS THAT? , Ron says it was just a noise outside, oh!  Then the banging on the door.

Ron jumps out of bed and yanks the door open, from our bed I here him say “LEON GET IN HEAR RIGHT NOW”

Then I hear the voice in my head sceaming at me – WTF??? HOW DID HE GET OUTSIDE!!!!!!

I call for him, and he bounds in and flops on the bed.

 leon how did you get outside?

from my room

what do yo mean , how did you get outside from your room? (asking and knowing it all at the same time)

I went out my window

{{{{silence}}} I can’t speak – some one just wrapped their hand around my heart and started squeezing! There is no air in my lungs.

How did you g et out your window?

i just unlocked it, pushed it up and kicked the screen out

why did you go outside

I wanted some fresh air

Why did you go OUT the window?

I knew the front door was locked and besides I didn’t want you to know.

Why did you need fresh air?

I couldnt breath.

Wht do you mean you couldn”t breathe.?

I just couldn’t get air out of my mouth

 

All of that was said while I held him tight… then I held him out to look him in the eyes.

do you know how dangerous that was??

No

it was dangerous Leon, really really dangerous you can’t do that!!! you just CAN”T do that!!!!!!!11

i can’t talk anymore.

The thought enters my head, why am I hugging him, I should be veryu very angery. i’m not angry I am scared. I am scared to death for my child. Oh God , What do I  do?????      WHAT DO I DO???

Am I supposed to be yelling??

I am yelling, well not so much yelling as I am screaming, but no sound is coming out. All the scraeming is going on in my head!

Leon, why are you wet? did you pee your pants?

no!

you did leon, i can tell, you are all wet.

no, i peed in the grass

you peed in the grass through your pajamas

no

whats in your hair? – that’s mud – how did you get mud in your hair? (noticing the feet covered in mud too)

i played outside a little.

you PLAYED??? you went out your window and played??

i can’t,  I just cant do this. i just got the wind knnocked out of me. Did anyone see the mule that just kicked me?

Ron takes over, I don’t think I heard the convo or at least it has fallin out of my head already. thoughts are racing around loudly through my head. I excuse my self to the bathroom ( and check his room on the way back)

i get back to the room and am told that leon is worried about the consequences – yeah buddy well, so am I.

what ARE the consequences?? SERIOUSLY what do we do to him to MAKE him understand. can SOMEONE PLESE TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!!!

I am still speaking calmly amnd soothingly to him, should I be yelling? i should be yelling, shouldn’t I???

we ask him what the worse thing you can think of – he says taking the DS away forever , We already know we don’t want to do that. besides I already took it away yesterday for lying and STEALING  from his teacher AND the principle .

He says take wandering willows away.

I still can’t. Nothing seems enough

Ron tells him the first thing we are doing is removing his desk (the one attached to his loft bed right under his window) Looking at his room now I want to take his whole bed and just put a mattress on the floor, in fact I want to take everything away and put up rubber walls. No he isn’t crazy he just has ADHD. REALLY REALLY BAD ADHD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ron decides that since taking things away isn’t working maybe we should give him something to do instead. Leon is excited, he actually said, yay! Then Ron reveals what he is thinking. Leon will have to write I will not climb out the window 10 times a day for 10 days. Really? is that it??? That can’t be it, can it?? There’s got to be more, right?? Besides why do I have to be punished to. Maybe it IS my falt, he was done cooking, he popped out of the oven early.

I put on my angry voice and say, Leon you are going to go strait to your room and get in your bed and not get out till I come and get you. He looks at me as if I am nuts, as if I am being unfair, as if he doesn’t get why he has to go to his room.

My stern voice says, Leon we may have very calm voices right now and there may be hugs going around but that’s just so you know we care, that we love you no matter what but make no mistake about this Leon Iam angry, very very angry!!! And the consequences are much more than just writting I will not jump out my window 100 times. Today you WILL remember how hard to day will be and never climb out the window again. (I also have a bridge in brooklyn to sell ya) And then I start the coutdown. 10, 9, 8…

Leon races off to his room

I , I, I, cant think, or breath, or function, right now, as I type this my teeth are clenched so tightly that my whole head hurts!

Ron wants me to cry, I feel like crying but i don’t want too. i really reallty dont want to, I don’t have time to cry I have to figur ethis out!

Ron holds me and makes me cry. STOP I don’t want to cry. Oh god I can’t breathe!!

Fine I’ll cry…..

but first let me go check on him, he’s been alone in there too long. It’s been a whole 5 minutes

I walk in the room. something is not right, I don’t know what it is, I don’t know why I am thinking this, i look at him and say, leon i want you to tell me what else you did that we should know about and be honest. 

he hands me his (i mean MY favorite childhood board book)  and says i destroyed the book. yep, he did, scratched it up and bore a hole straight through it, through a half inch thick board book.

I ask what he used to do that?

a nail. he says

What nail?

This one, and pulls out a broken up wooden plane that he made at the children’s museum last year using scrap wood and nails.

I take the nail, i am going to need it to nal the wildows shut!!

i walk out …

Now I’ll cry    ….i can’t      …nothing will come out. I am to biwilded and confused to cry. i neeed to get it out, i need to scream!!!!

This is my screaming blog. i am screaming right now!!  Can you hear me!!!!!!!!

 

okay now i am done, I have to get off now and cry and get ready for the day. Get ready for the day on only one hour of sleep, get ready to take leon to the school appointed psychiatrist for their CSE assessment, get ready to call my mom and tell her that no Leon will not be sleeping over her house tonight and no we will not be going out to celebrate our wedding anniversay as planned. get ready to watch him like a hawk  ….just get ready… for what evber is next.

Oh and maybe I’ll come back and edit this post for major typos or maybe I’ll just have more to add.

 

excuse me I need to find some tissues.

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One thought on “No he isn’t crazy he just has ADHD

  1. Lynn on said:

    Oh honey I’m so sorry! I wish I had all of the answers for you. You and Ron are strong, smart parents and I know your family will get through this. We too are dealing with how to make little ones understand how scary and severe things are without actually scaring the crap out of them….if we figure out the answer first – we’ll certainly share. (((hug)))

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