triple bypass panic attack !!!!
today is going to be one hell of a day!!!!
My Panic attack just had a triple bypass panic attack!!!!!!
In writing these posts to my blog I am trying to calm dowm – it’s a release, but it isn’t instant. so my breathing is shallow tears occasionally fall from my eyes and my fibro racks my body with pain. with each word i feel it and release it.
that’s what I was doing in my last post. that and reading up on the psychiatrist that the CSE is sending us to see today in just an hour.
then my husband had to open his big fat mouth and say something stupid. He didn’t mean to. I KNOW that!!! I KNOW he is dealing with it too in his own way but he just sent me into the biggest panic attack I have ever had. He was concerned about my panic attack and the meeting. He started talking about how because this doctor is being paid by the school that she may be the enemy, we need to be aware of that and I guess watch ourselves. that agitated me but it wasn’t what threw me over the edge. I expressed that we are going to a medical professional who took the Hippocratic oath, her first priority is to the patient. I did not want to go into this with feelings of negativity ready to do battle with the person who is supposed to help us. This agitated me so much that my speech got hurried and elevated my breathing became deep, my body started twisting even more in pain, and the tears started to flow. his response was to say that the Dr. first priority MAY be to the people paying her and and you don’t want to go in there looking like a crazy person where she can blame the parents.
ASSHOLE!!!!!! that’s what I said to him and stormed out crying.
poor Leon walked in on this and got very concerned for me, “what’s wrong?!?” “what’s wrong, are you okay mom?”
I rushed passed him mid triple bypass panic attack and said “I’m fine, mommy is fine” but thinking – What’s wrong is you jumped out a window!!!
I cried, i hyperventilated, i freaked, i called my best friend.
She helped bring me part way down reminding me that Ron is going through this too and he is trying his best to deal with it to. On top of having to deal with my crazies he is also wrangling Leon while I am going crazy.
time to cut him a break.
I love you Sheil and I love you Ron.
………………………….whew, still wound up but much calmer than I was.