Thanks for loving me even though I am a nut job! (a love letter)
After all this time, still there are things about me that you just don’t understand. I warned you from the beginning that I am not normal and that there were things wrong with me. Maybe its the Fibro, maybe it is that I do have ADHD myself afterall, maybe its something else or maybe its all of it. After 40 years of it I know pretty much what I need to do. I have to move through it, and deal with it as best I can and sometimes just have to let it happen. I deal with this all the time – times when you don’t or can’t even notice something is going on because I managed to keep it in and deal with it quietly or times when it just starts to pile up and I get a bit high strung and then there are the other times when it is just too big because too much emotional, physical and mental stress has been bottled up and I can’t keep it all in anymore, or I feel so sick physically that it saps up all my mental ands emotional energy that I no longer can keep it under control and the way I deal with it may not be pretty sometimes but sometimes that is just how I have to do it. I have to let it go. And when I do lose control, I have to be the one to get it back, not you. You can’t do it for me. Correcting me, or reprimanding me or trying to fix me isn’t going to work, usually it just makes me loose even more control. Hovering over me, (or worse yet hovering over Leon to protect him from me, from seeing me this way) just makes it so much worse. Do you think I like being this way, do you think I like myself when I lose it? I yell and I get loud, and I curse, and I say exactly whats on my mind without any filters, I cry and I complain about the pain and the stress I am in because I have lost control and I am trying to get it back as quickly and as best as I can. I hate myself when I get that way but it’s part of how I need to work through it. You hovering and reminding me of how badly I am behaving, just makes me hate myself all the more. And I lose even more control.
And for that I am sorry. I know you only mean to help and I love you for it but tread lightly because I am broken.
Sorry I lost it. I love you, my angel
…..see this is what me back in control looks like.
Thanks for loving me even though I am a nut job!