The Me I Wanna Be
I’ve been down.
I don’t know why I am so down exactly, but I have a clue as to how it happened.
I went off my meds (Cymbalta), and for too long. I didn’t do it on purpose. It just happened really.
Just before Christmas right when the pressure was on, I got sick. The stomach virus hit me hard, I even ended up in the hospital for dehydration. In those days of throwing up and sleeping all day, the last thing on mind was taking pills, just the thought would make me nauseous.
Then I got better but I was always so dang busy, that I just kept forgetting to take my morning meds and I kept skipping doses, which is NOT GOOD. I knew I had to buckle down and just get back on them again.
Sounds easy enough right, just wake up and pop some pills. No, not that easy, my routine was all screwed up, and my flare-ups were BAD! I’d get up in such a fibro fog that by the time I would remember to take them it would be after noon. At that point it would be too late so I would swear to take it the next day. The next day would come and I would forget again and again and again. Then I would remember and take it for a day or two and forget all over again.
The horrible thing about missing too many doses that you end up going off of it all together is that when you do start getting back on you have to start from scratch and get your body accustomed to the side effects all over again. And really, really lousy side effects at that! Nausea, dizziness, fatigue, headaches, more nausea and fatigue, and so on, and so on….
It’s one of those vicious fibro cycles I get caught up in. Something throws me off my meds like an illness, I end up feeling like crap and flare-up, I get lost in the pain, then I get desperate to get back to my old self so I try to get back on the meds, fibro fog and my short term and long term memory loss keeps me from remembering to take the meds regularly so I keep missing doses, I end up feeling even worse (not at first because it is still in my system but eventually it gets really bad), I end up detoxing from the meds because rather than screwing myself up by skipping too many days I decide to wait until I can devote myself to doing it right and getting a routine down again, I decide to wait for a long weekend when I know I don’t have as many other responsibilities and I have at least three days to just to deal with the side effects that my body now needs to get used to all over again with minimum disruption to the remainder of the week, things keep getting in the way and I can’t find the time to do it right, so next weekend ends up being weeks and then months before I realize I am so bad off that if I don’t just do it life will never get back to a manageable level!
And that’s just where I am at now. My life is no longer at a managable level. That’s where these blues are coming from. Right now I feel like I am so out of control because the pain has taken over my days and my nights. And while I am still taking my pain meds as needed, and it can dull the pain, my fatigue, and fibro fog, and everything else is still there. And it’s the Cymbalta that helps me keep a level head about it all and keeps me in control of my emotions (and reactions to them) revolving around the guilt, pain and discomfort of my disability.
The blues suck but if I don’t try and take charge they can get so much worse. I know cause I’ve been there.
I just started up again and have been 4 days strong, despite it being a bad time to get back on the Cymbalta, being that it is winter break and as a result, not only do i have Leon home all day with me but I also have Kiera, Nico, and Michael with me as well. The repeated waves of (time released) nausea, dizziness, and fatigue usually take about 1 to 2 weeks to get used to, but if I don’t do it now, when will I do it??
I can see my mood changing for the better, I am more calm and there has been less crying. I just wish it didn’t make me feel so crummy. Like right now I just can not stop yawning. All I want is a nap but with 4 kids in the house under my care that isn’t happening anytime soon….
Oh well, it’s the price I have to pay to be the me I want to be.