Just call me Jiji

…me, just pretending to be me ….now, where did I put that cape??

Archive for the month “January, 2012”

What can you make with fishing line, crazy glue, and scissors?

Well, probably a lot of things. But what Leon made was a messy and chaotic morning!

English: A pair of kitchen scissors.

Ron has gotten plenty used to dealing with Leon in the mornings. While I sleep through it all.

But today woke up to Ron yelling and Leon screaming. From what I could make out, Leon was not staying on task and Ron was getting frustrated over …all of it(?).

So I stumbled out of the bedroom to see if I could give a hand. What I witnessed was Leon in all his …ADHDness! And Ron cleaning up after him with steam coming out of his ears!

I recognized this scenario right away, it is  the same one I deal with, when Leon gets home from school. But I also saw something else… a reminder. A reminder of what can happen when Leon is left up to his own devices. He really does need supervision when he isn’t at his best. Which translates to; when he is off meds.

My first question to no one in particular was, “has Leon had his meds yet?”

Ron answered “not yet!”, with a huff.

I sat down next to a very fidgety Leon and placed my hand on his shoulder, and reminded him to “Take a bite”, he did as I said as he yanked himself away from me. There was too much left on the table from the night before. I took a toy out of his hand, “BITE”, I reminded him again. He grabbed for the next closest thing as he took another bite. I held my hand out, and he knew to place it in my hand, which he did with a slap. It’s too early to correct his behavior right now, besides it would only escalate things. He started to reach for something else, but I got to it before he did; “take another bite”. “I AM!!!” he screamed.

I look at Ron and he answers my puzzled look with, “Did you leave out the fishing line last night?” as I watch him follow and collect the invisible string from all around the room, over chairs and in between chair legs and all around the table.

“I don’t think I did?” was my response. He tells me, “It is everywhere!”, he was NOT happy.

I grab Leon’s wrist as he tries to lunge for yet something else at the other end of the table, “EAT”, I say, and then, “Leon where did you get the fishing line?”

He  says “the drawer on your desk was open“.

I get up and check my desk drawer, which is indeed open and my eyes widen. I think, Oh Crap, and I say, “Leon what did you do with the glue?”, as I realize the lid had been removed from the container that I keep all my super strength glue hidden in.

“Nothing!” he says angrily, and then in response to my stern look, he said, “It doesn’t even work, it’s empty”. So I ask, “well what were you trying to glue?” and again in his angry voice he says, “Nothing, I was just trying to glue a bookmark into my book”, “but it didn’t even work the only thing that got glued was my fingers, but don’t worry I eventually got them unstuck.”;” Wow that must have been scary”, I said. His response was. “I was a little scared, ….at least now I know why they call it CRAZY glue”

I almost laughed, but I kept it in as I went into his room to survey it for any damage and I pick up the scissors on the floor. “so, what were you cutting?” I asked, as I looked for things with holes in it. When Leon gets a pair of scissors in his hands he loses all sence of reason. I worried that it was the bed sheets again or the clothes strewn across the floor. He casually said, “nothing, just my cards.”  I look on the floor, yep, there they were, all cut up into tiny little pieces.

I realize he is out of his seat and standing in his room with me, “Leon, did you finish your breakfast?” He runs back to the table, and starts to shovel the food in his mouth like a madman.

I should be correcting him, telling him to take smaller bites, and to sit in his seat instead of standing there leaning over the table. But I don’t, I just think to myself – eh, at least he’s staying in one place and eating. …and if he choke’s I am right here to do the Heimlich. Then I wonder to myself hmm, do I even now how to do the Heimlich?

Didn’t matter in the end. He was done in a flash and on his way.

I watched him, hop around on one foot and then another. He was worked up, but for no other reason than he just had to move. And move he did. And jump, and twist, and flail…

…and when I see him like this, I know, “he’s just getting his Flutterwackin on” ;

Yup it’s Leon in all his ADHDness, alright. And then some.

I try getting him back on track, and ready for school. He just lashes out! He’s angry, and frustrated, and the tears start to fall.

I get it. He feels like we are on top of him, smothering him, trying to control every action he makes… and the truth is, we are. We are because we have to. We are because if we don’t, it won’t get done. We are because at this very moment he just CAN’T. We are because it is a school day and we have to get him ready for his day, feed him, get him dressed, give him his meds and get him out the door and on the bus so he can have a good day at school. It sounds so simple but it’s not. It’s exhausting…. and a little sad.

The sadness comes after he’s gotten on the bus, it comes when all I can think is thank goodness that’s over (now I don’t have to deal with his ADHDness for at least another 7 hours).

The good thing is, neither does he or his teachers for that matter.

That’s when I realize it’s his teachers that always get to see him when he is at his very best.

After such an exhausting, stressful, anxiety provoking morning,that’s enough to make me jealous and then I think, Thank Goodness for weekends!

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Click it… PLEASE

Hi,
I entered Leon in a Cute Kid contest and his photo was selected.
Now I am reaching out to everyone I know; we need votes people! Lots and lots of votes.

Please take a minute to click the link below and vote for Leon – (future Tommy Hilfiger Model).

And if you could help pass the word and ask everyone you know to do the same, we would be ever so grateful.

Thanks!

David Tennant Can Read Me a Bedtime Story ANYTIME!

LOVE THIS!!
It was suggested by someone close to me that perhaps I should go to bed with a good book, and then perhaps I could sleep better.
I could try that…. I do have a few books on my bookshelf that are waiting to be read.
Breaking Dawn is at the top of the list. Then it is the Sookie Stackhouse series that Ron bought for me. 🙂
Although I am a bit wary about the whole reading a good book at bedtime thing.The last book I read was “Eclipse” by Stephanie Meyer. I crawled into bed at about 11pm -ish and read it cover to cover. I just could not put it down. I just kept saying to myself. “Okay just one more chapter….”. I didn’t get to sleep until the wee hours of the morning.

Maybe if someone read me a bedtime story….?
Maybe someone with a sexy voice…. and an accent….?
Maybe someone that isn’t so hard on the eyes?
But “WHO”???
Exactly!!! Yum!

Picking up the Pieces

So my previous post was a bit DESPERATE, don’t you think?

I was in a pretty pathetic and desperate state of mind.

But today is another day and I’ve got some repairs to make.

I am happy to say I slept a good 10 hours that night. Something I definitely needed. Not napping created the crash and burn effect I needed to restart my clock. I’ve been eating better and taking my meds ON TIME, and at least TRYING to get on a better if not normal sleep schedule.

The morning after was tough and slow going. I had a very heavy patch of brain fog going on and it lasted quite a while too. But that was to be expected and I just made my way through it.

When life gets you down do you wanna know what you’ve gotta do? Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming. - Dory, ” Finding Nemo “

When I woke up the next morning, I decided to take a ME DAY!

…and now I am thinking maybe it’s more like a ME WEEK. ….or 2 ….ish.

I really need to pick up some pieces and get back on track. Because believe it or not I was somewhat on track. Really, I was! December went fairly well for me in terms of getting things done.

As the holidays approached, I was able to Christmas shop, get my house back together, decorate, and celebrate with family and friends, but not without the HUGE, HUGE, HUGE help I got from Ron. (…and Leon too). Thank you, my loves!

All the clutter found a home or else it went into the trash. We cleared away piles of stuff that we really did not need any longer. And while there was/is still more work to be done, we were able to make our living space, livable and our workspace, workable again.

We decorated the house and the beautiful Christmas tree that Ron and Leon went out and chopped down, during the Annual Oldfield Christmas Tree Hunt. The house was finally a warm and welcoming place again. Everything looked so beautiful and inviting. AND PEACEFUL.

The lights are my least favorite part of decorating the tree

Awww fiddlesticks - half the tree lights don't work

We spent Christmas Eve at home with our family, both Ron’s and mine came for dinner (17 of us in total). And the thing that amazed me the most about it was how relaxed I felt. Tired, but relaxed.  Finally!!!

I love taking out my china for the holidays, it makes me feel like I'm almost a grown-up.

Can you see the tree in the next room?

I realized it was because my house was full of the people I love and who love me, AND because Ron and I had put so much effort into putting order back into our home.

Santa Ron!

My Family

My loveys

Like mother, like daughter

She's waiting for Omi to cave, an hand over the chocolate.

You blow boy!!! In a good way!

The Angel and the Devil, but which is which?

Cheers!

Cheers!

Cousins!

Much of the week that followed Christmas, was spent relaxing in the glow of the Christmas lights, watching Leon play with all his new toys. We spent some time visiting with family, Leon got to go ice skating (can you imagine me on skates, HA!), and we took our traditional trip into NYC to see the tree in Rockefeller Center and check out the Christmas Window Displays.  We ended our winter break and the year at the home of a dear friend watching the Doctor Who marathon. It was a wonderful little staycation for all of us, and it certainly ended the year nicely.

Leon and like a third of Grandma's Christmas Village

Our Tree! The lights flying off to the side are actually being pulled by Santa in his sleigh and his 8 tiny reindeer.

Leon and his Christmas haul! It was a very Merry Skylander Christmas!

Now in the midst of all that activity, I had made one big mistake. I ran out of refills for my Cymbalta and kept forgetting to contact the doctor’s office. So for about a week-ish leading up to when I completely snapped (see previous post) I was off meds.  No wonder I had been such a WRECK! – DUH!

But NOW, I AM doing better,

So to those of you who reached out, THANK YOU! AND I LOVE YOU TOO!

I am feelin’ better, so no worries. But I need to take some ME TIME.

So…   I am not ignoring you. I am just under repairs,     ….and probably not answering the phone,    …or emails.

But I loves ya!!

Oh and Happy Christmas, Season’s Greetings and a Joyful New Year to all!

Crap! I think I’m broken again

Well, it is that time of year again, I guess…

I’m screwing  up again and I just don’t have time for it. I want this new year to be a year of change for the better!! So I have a plan to implement.

Being that I just spent about 15 minutes in the arms of  Kiera, my almost 4-year-old  niece, crying as she stroked my hair and wiped away my tears. I’d say I’m not getting off to the best of starts.

Then again, if I am going to have a nervous break down, there is no better person to be around than a little angel. And she is an Angel. (it’s a plus when that little angel doesn’t get a scare when seeing her Tante  Jiji fall to pieces.)

I haven’t been sleeping regularly. My nights are getting  later and later (or earlier and earlier, depending on how you look at it). In the last week I’ve gotten to bed at 4:30am, 4am, 2-ish …I think (I was proud of myself  for that one, after all I managed to get to bed early that night.) Then it was 4am again, and 5:30am and last night/this morning I went to bed at 6:30am. It’s not healthy, I know. What I don’t know is why I am like this.

It’s as if my life runs on a different clock than everyone else’s, everything is backwards. My days, find me excessively tired and exhausted, and my body seems to work against me. I hurt physically, which  for the most part I am used to being a problem. My fibro flares are definitely worsening with each new episode as time goes on. I don’t know if it’s an age thing or a female thing or just the normal course fibro takes. Personally I am convinced that I have MS, but no one else is. So I guess I must be wrong.

Mentally I feel so freaking scattered, confused, and somewhat lost. My memory is getting so bad; …scary bad, like I am going nuts, bad. I can’t seem to string my thoughts together, let alone complete a normal sentence or have a clear conversation with someone. Even writing this right now has been difficult, it’s taken me over an hour to get this far. my thoughts and emotions are all over the place, They all want to come out but some how they are all scrambled and tangled and stuck in my brain and driving me mad. My words have been coming out of my mouth all wrong, I want to say one thing but something else completely unrelated comes out. It’s called something, when that happens, but I cant remember what it is right now (HA!, go figure)

 –Google Search– Aphasia! that’s the word, Aphasia. Do I have aphasia? Hell if I know. I am not sure of what it is exactly I haven’t really researched it. And it’s probably best if I don’t…. 😉

During the day I feel as if I am just getting through it, one wobbly step at a time. I occasionally have spurts of ambitious thoughts of productivity, but they  seem to get squashed once I try to do something about it. I get too physically tired, too easily and abandon whatever it is I am trying to accomplish. Nothing ever gets done… , not completely anyway.

One of my changes for a better new year includes changing my sleeping habits for a happier healthier me. So the plan is to get to sleep before midnight and not staying up all night long. It sounds easy right? But it is not!! And like I said I really just don’t know why I am not sleeping?

I don’t know why my brain feels all foggy and dull and dimwitted and sleepy all day. And I don’t know why it starts itself up and runs at full throttle at night. It’s as if the dimmer control on the light bulb in my head gets turned all the way down during the day and then gets turned all the way up late at night. It’s as if, my brain is at its most active and productive stages in the evenings. Seriously I feel like I am at my widest awake at night when everyone else is going to bed. AND sometimes I actually end up getting things done. Whether it be doing some writing, organizing files on the computer and backing them up, archiving my photography, and readying them for display, researching my medical and neurological problems, researching ADHD, etc, etc, etc. I am actually doing these things well into the morning. But that’s not to say that I don’t goof off at other times too. There ARE nights that I will promise myself that when Ron heads to bed I will follow, but then when he heads to bed, I just can’t, I don’t feel tired and I know I won’t be able to sleep. So I inevitably  decide to watch just one more show. If I am not feelin’ what’s on the DVR, I will find something on Instant Netflix that I am interested in watching. I if it’s a movie, I may get to bed as early as 2:30 or 3am; but if I land on a new TV series that I want to begin watching I may get so caught up in the cliff hangers, and poor me without an ounce of will-power, will end up having to watch the next episode ..and the next one …and the next one …and so on, and so on, and so on. That’s kind of how I ended up being up till 6:30am this morning (by the way “United States of Tara” – excellent show!!). I do want to add that my lack of will power wasn’t the only reason I was up so late last night. I just COULD NOT sleep. Even at 6:30am – I got into bed, and I just laid there and laid there. And I felt like I was exploding on the inside. All I wanted to do was GO TO SLEEP. The voice in my head would just scream “Sleep already, SLEEP!!!” But I couldn’t and I was just so frustrated and angry; really angry. It was freakin’ 6:30am and I just could NOT sleep.

…….eventually,  I did doze off and slept in until 10am.

So here I am now with only a few hours of sleep, and I am a total mess. The tears just keep rolling and they are not stopping!!! I just want to make them stop! They are giving me a headache that just gets worse and worse with every tear shed. Everything is making me cry. Everything and nothing. To top it off , I’ve got the crazies; my skin is crawling and I just want to rip it off, I am jittery and nauseous and dizzy. I keep pulling at my clothes and my hair, I can’t sit still, I keep jumping up to look for something, but I don’t know what I am looking for, so I sit and I cry while I write, then I get up again and I pace, and then I do it all over again. I am just so tired.

Right now I could sleep, right now in the light of day I could just sleep.  But I REFUSE!! I can’t! I won’t!! I am fighting it. My lids are heavy and they want to close, but if I let myself, how will I ever get back to a normal sleep schedule.

I have been puposely depriving myself  and withholding my naps. That is my strategy for turning  my clock back to the right time zone. And that is a biggie for me. I LOVE my naps. I NEED my naps!! Really I do, especially given my complications with Fibro and the excess tiredness and fatigue I am constantly suffering  from. Naps are a natural and necessary part of my ordinary day, even when I am on a more realistic sleep schedule. But for the last week I’ve held back on the mid day naps so my sleep schedule can match the rest of the world’s. So here I am with a bad case of the crazies; and the tears just keep falling.

Yup, I am broken all right!

Please don’t ask me why or what’s wrong. I don’t know the answer to that and it will only make me cry more. That’s what was so great about having a little angel around. She stroked my hair and wiped my tears and said ” It’s okay Jiji; it will all be okay”, ” I will stay with you and hold your hand and I will be your friend”, “And then Uncle Ron will come home and hold your hand, and he will be your friend too.”  

…Okay, okay, so that did make me blubber all over the place too! But those were good tears. Unfortunately my Angel was picked up early today and I am left here to go cuckoo all on my own. It’s probably for the best though. I am arranging for Leon to be on a playdate right after school too!

ARRRGGH! More tears ….and not so much, the good kind this time.

Where are these tears coming from? Like I said I don’t know exactly, but there are a whole slew of possibilities ..or even the combination of a few or all of them. Probably the later. Lemme see, I am sleep deprived; depressed; in physical pain; menstruating; I am self sabotaging myself; I have temporarily fallen off of my meds (and my rocker too it seems); I still feel over-whelmed by life – which is not part of my new year’s plan; I have too much to get started and I don’t know what comes first; I forget to eat until I remember and then I eat the worst stuff on earth (i.e.. A whole bag of chips for dinner) so I am probably malnourished; I can’t think straight; I have trouble staying awake during the day (even when I am on a good sleep schedule); and there has been such sad news going on all around me lately; and, and, and I am just broken, really, really broken.

An acquaintance’s husband died on Dec 23 with no warning, leaving a wife, a 7-year-old son and 3-year-old twins and barely any money to make ends meet. My close friends, Heather and Eddie are going through hell trying to get answers as to why their sweet little boy keeps ending up in the hospital, most recently being in the ICU throughout the Christmas/New Year’s holiday. My mom’s sister, my Tante Angela, died this past Monday. And just today I found out that a classmate’s, of Leon’s, mom died on New Years Eve. We had met while the boys were in pre-school, she was such a nice person and a great mom. I always have such a hard time hearing about young children losing a parent. So yes, life has been a bummer lately and the news has been really, really sad. And did I mention the whole I am menstruating and therefore I am more hormonal and cry-ee than my usual self thing?

So yeah, I think I am broken. It is definitely not the first time (and probably not my last). Today was just the day I SNAPPED!

…it has taken me all freakin’ day to write this; emotional outbursts in private and all; so I am taking my evening medication and some Tylenol PM and I am getting into bed now and I am going to pray for sleep, and a tear free day tomorrow. Good night.

Today was the day I snapped and tomorrow is the day I will begin again, to fix it.

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