Just call me Jiji

…me, just pretending to be me ….now, where did I put that cape??

Archive for the category “ADHD”

Something more…

It has taken me a long while to really get the whole ADHD thing down, not that you ever really do get it completely down pat. There will always be more to learn with each new year and every new experience. I’ve had to educate myself (and a few others) about this neurological disorder, and it’s been exhausting and rough at times. It’s also been very enlightening, both about Leon and about myself (going over my own life with undiagnosed ADHD). I have learned more about life and myself  in the 9 years that this little boy has been alive than I had ever learned prior to that.

In looking for answers for him I have found a few for myself. Still, I never felt that I had enough answers for him. It has always seemed to me like what we knew about him, just was not enough. There had to be something more to Leon and what’s “different”  about him than just the ADHD. And I say “different”, because there is nothing wrong with my child, just a lot of differences! But his differences have made his life more difficult.

I’m not saying he isn’t ADHD; on the contrary Leon could be the poster boy for ADHD. His severe hyperactivity and uncontrollable impulsiveness has gotten him into more than his share of trouble. We have clearly seen how severely his ADHD has impacted his life and that without his ADHD medication he just cannot control those impulses and can find himself in potentially  dangerous situations. He’s goofy and quirky, and does thinks that make him so uniquely different from everyone else.

But it is also for that very reason that I have long said there’s got to be more too it than just the ADHD. The fact that we, both my husband and I have always known that our child cannot and should not be left to his own devises for too long when not on medication has kept me searching for more answers.

When he is left to his own devises things seem to become … well lets just say challenging, to put it mildly. He becomes argumentative and seemingly willful. His actions tend to be unintentionally destructive – just last week he managed to …yank the handle off of the refrigerator door; …battle it out with his Dr. Seuss toothpaste – leaving a smeary mess; …chew up a handful of paperclips; …stuff his pockets full of rocks, sticks, snack bags, bolts, pens, pencils and any other thing small enough to fit.

...and the answer is, "things found in Leon's pockets"

Leon doesn't squeeze his toothpaste out; he rings it out!

 

 

 

 

 

Just Call Me Jiji

I’ve changed my look…

Well not my look, but the look of my blog. I wanted to go with something a bit more user friendly.

And with the changes comes a new name for my blog……   “Just Call Me Jiji”

~me, pretending to be me. ~now, where did I put my cape?

I discuss my life, my family; the issues we face, the things we enjoy doing as a family, and the things I enjoy pursueing by  myself

With this new look, you, the reader get to go straight to the content you are interested in.

This is what I write about and why I write about it.

My Home Page – All posts in chronological order starting with the most recent. My blog tells my story and the story of my family; warts and all!

Hello World – About me, this is who I am, or at least who I try to be.

Disabilities and Special Needs – I discuss those disabilities and differences that we, as a family face on a daily basis; and the treatments and accomidations that accompany them.

  • ADHD – My son Leon was diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyper-Activity Disorder-combined type, at the age of 5. It has severely impacted not only his life but both his father’s and mine as well. I’ve learned a lot from my little boy, and I suspect I too was born with ADHD. At this time I still remain untreated, but I am working on that.
  • Aspergers/ Autism –  At the time of this writing, it has been 6  weeks since Leon was diagnosed on the Autism  Spectrum with Asperger’s Syndrome (AS). This is is my first mention of it on my blog. It    has taken me this long to let it sink in. I am sure there will be many posts on this topic to come, because as of right now I feel as if I am starting all over again. I am a newbie again and have a lot to learn.

  • Comordids –      
                         …Oppositional Defience Disorder (ODD) – Along with Leon’s ADHD      diagnosis he also recieved a diagnosis of O.D.D, and boy is he ever. His defiance aside, my strong willed kid with some pretty strong convictions.
                         …Sensory Processing Disorder (SPD) – Leon has always presented with sensory issues. I have long suspected that he has SPD, and have written about it in the past. Now, with his new diagnosis of Aspergers, it makes a whole heck of a lot more sense.
  • Fibromyalgia (FMS) – I was diagnosed with fibro when I was about 28, although symptoms were present much earlier than that. It’s been a rough road, but I keep on trekking. As much as I hate reporting that which is so negative, it helps to get it all out.
  • Treatments and Medication- When it comes to my own health I am not as diligent as I should be, and for that I do often pay the price. But when it comes to Leon’s health I am a stickler for staying on track. I am well familiar with the old adage that states; to care for others, first one must care for one’s self. That is much easier said than done, but ultimately I aim to get healthy not just for Ron’s and Leon’s sake but for my own as well.
  • Special Education – This has got to be my least favorite topic, but when raising a school-aged child with a disability, it becomes one that often comes up. I have had my fair share of Special Education meetings, both good and bad. If I can pass on some helpful information that may potentially help other parents I am happy to relive some of my experiences here.

DIY – I’ve always loved using my imagination and being creative. I love the feeling I get when I see something and think, ” I can do that” or even, ” I can make something out of that “. It’s taken me a long time to amass some measure of confidence, but I am ready to admit I do have some talents.

  • Crafts – Drawing, Woodwork, Glass painting, Digital Scrapbooking, Clip Art, Costume making, and more
  • Party Planning – I love, love, love planning parties and making the Holidays Special. Give me a theme and I will make it happen.
  • Photography- I have always loved the art of photography. What I lack in technical skills I make up for with my eye for photographs. The thing I love most about photography is the ability to recall so many memories from a single photo.
 

Home Life – For me, home life means family life, after all, home is where your heart is.

  • Family – the  main characters in this blog are myself, my husband, and our son. In our house, it is just the three of us; but in our family there are so many more.
                              ...Just Jiji – Jiji (Gee-gee) is the name my precious niece gave me when she was just learning to talk, I enjoyed hearing her say it so much, it stuck. More info about me can be found here
                               …My Superman – My husband of over 10 years now, is every wish, I ever made on a star, come true. He is every prayer  for a good and happy life, I have ever prayed, come true. My life; the one I truly love living, despite it’s upheavals sometimes; begins and ends with him.
                                  …My Alphabet Boy – My son with his AS/ADHD/ODD/SPD/L-M-N-O-P  is the greatest gift in my life. from him I learn how to be me. I thank god for him every day.
  • Parenting – Being a parent is the hardest most gratifying job in the world, and the most important.
  • Holidays- just as much as I enjoy planning parties; I love planning for the Holidays and celebrating with family.

Travels – I love to travel! And I especially love to plan our trips. I get a little high off of finding great deals and planning out little side trips. We love amusement parks; especially ones that we can get wet in.

  • Disney World – I love me some Disney!! If I could I’d go every year. I’ve had a few trips that I still have yet to turn into a trip report
 
  • Theme Parks – Leon’s love of water parks started with Sesame Place in PA, and now we make sure to hit a theme park or water park  at least once a year.
  • Other Destinations – As much as I’d like to make Disney our annual trip destination, our finances (or lack there of) always get in the way. But we always make it a point to go somewhere, even if it is just a weekend road trip to PA.

Just For Fun –  

  • My Favorite Things – ever come across something and just want to share it with everyone cause it’s “just so cool!” ? Well this is where I do that. Well here and on Pintrest
  • Slideshows – Just some pictures I’ve shared over the years

This child was a gift in my life, and all I want for him is the gift of a truly happy life. Is that too much to ask?

When I think of my one and only child; and I picture him in my mind’s eye, the first word that comes to me is BEAUTIFUL!

Yes, it is true, he is a looker, but that is not where his beauty lies. It comes from his heart and from his mind.

His beauty stems from his sensitive soul that can see another child in need of some thing; that drives him to attain that same something for another child. His wonderful heart that has devoted 4 years of his life to growing his hair out because he saw a little girl in a St. Jude Children’s Hospital video openly express her hope that someone would donate hair so she could have a wig.  In his brave heart that has courageously endured the taunts and the teasing by some of his peers, as well as being repeatedly and mistakenly referred to as a girl, by strangers. His caring heart and sensitive soul that loves all living things so much so, that spiders are not for squashing, they are for setting free outside in the yard.

His beauty lies also in his wondrous mind that is so much smarter than his dear old mother’s; his mind, that captures the ear of those around him with words that would otherwise belong to someone much older than him. It is in his beautiful mind that imagines the most wonderful possibilities; and gives birth to ideas that other 9 year olds would not of yet conceived of. His mind that is so analytic and technical  and literal that he surprises and intrigues most adults around him. His mind that I am told is gifted with an IQ in the very superior range, that should be enriched and encouraged to grow in knowledge and interest

Image

When I think of my little “Alphabet Boy” with his ADHD/ODD/SPD/LMNOP, the second word that comes to mind is SAD!

This child with all his exuberance; wicked intelligence; and killer smile should not be this unhappy with life or with himself. But he is. This beautiful boy with his gifted mind and his beautiful and sensitive heart is also a very sad and lonely little boy, and it breaks my heart into a billion little pieces.

He is not like most other 9 year olds. He’s different, and quirky, and weird. I have often said he marches to the beat of his own drum. He is as  unique, as an individual can be. And I love him in all his uniqueness. But I weep for him too. Because his differences make him feel so badly about himself.

 

Recently, we have had so new revelations about Leon and what makes him the way he is, Hopefully we can find some answers, and perhaps show Leon how to love himself as much as we love him.

What can you make with fishing line, crazy glue, and scissors?

Well, probably a lot of things. But what Leon made was a messy and chaotic morning!

English: A pair of kitchen scissors.

Ron has gotten plenty used to dealing with Leon in the mornings. While I sleep through it all.

But today woke up to Ron yelling and Leon screaming. From what I could make out, Leon was not staying on task and Ron was getting frustrated over …all of it(?).

So I stumbled out of the bedroom to see if I could give a hand. What I witnessed was Leon in all his …ADHDness! And Ron cleaning up after him with steam coming out of his ears!

I recognized this scenario right away, it is  the same one I deal with, when Leon gets home from school. But I also saw something else… a reminder. A reminder of what can happen when Leon is left up to his own devices. He really does need supervision when he isn’t at his best. Which translates to; when he is off meds.

My first question to no one in particular was, “has Leon had his meds yet?”

Ron answered “not yet!”, with a huff.

I sat down next to a very fidgety Leon and placed my hand on his shoulder, and reminded him to “Take a bite”, he did as I said as he yanked himself away from me. There was too much left on the table from the night before. I took a toy out of his hand, “BITE”, I reminded him again. He grabbed for the next closest thing as he took another bite. I held my hand out, and he knew to place it in my hand, which he did with a slap. It’s too early to correct his behavior right now, besides it would only escalate things. He started to reach for something else, but I got to it before he did; “take another bite”. “I AM!!!” he screamed.

I look at Ron and he answers my puzzled look with, “Did you leave out the fishing line last night?” as I watch him follow and collect the invisible string from all around the room, over chairs and in between chair legs and all around the table.

“I don’t think I did?” was my response. He tells me, “It is everywhere!”, he was NOT happy.

I grab Leon’s wrist as he tries to lunge for yet something else at the other end of the table, “EAT”, I say, and then, “Leon where did you get the fishing line?”

He  says “the drawer on your desk was open“.

I get up and check my desk drawer, which is indeed open and my eyes widen. I think, Oh Crap, and I say, “Leon what did you do with the glue?”, as I realize the lid had been removed from the container that I keep all my super strength glue hidden in.

“Nothing!” he says angrily, and then in response to my stern look, he said, “It doesn’t even work, it’s empty”. So I ask, “well what were you trying to glue?” and again in his angry voice he says, “Nothing, I was just trying to glue a bookmark into my book”, “but it didn’t even work the only thing that got glued was my fingers, but don’t worry I eventually got them unstuck.”;” Wow that must have been scary”, I said. His response was. “I was a little scared, ….at least now I know why they call it CRAZY glue”

I almost laughed, but I kept it in as I went into his room to survey it for any damage and I pick up the scissors on the floor. “so, what were you cutting?” I asked, as I looked for things with holes in it. When Leon gets a pair of scissors in his hands he loses all sence of reason. I worried that it was the bed sheets again or the clothes strewn across the floor. He casually said, “nothing, just my cards.”  I look on the floor, yep, there they were, all cut up into tiny little pieces.

I realize he is out of his seat and standing in his room with me, “Leon, did you finish your breakfast?” He runs back to the table, and starts to shovel the food in his mouth like a madman.

I should be correcting him, telling him to take smaller bites, and to sit in his seat instead of standing there leaning over the table. But I don’t, I just think to myself – eh, at least he’s staying in one place and eating. …and if he choke’s I am right here to do the Heimlich. Then I wonder to myself hmm, do I even now how to do the Heimlich?

Didn’t matter in the end. He was done in a flash and on his way.

I watched him, hop around on one foot and then another. He was worked up, but for no other reason than he just had to move. And move he did. And jump, and twist, and flail…

…and when I see him like this, I know, “he’s just getting his Flutterwackin on” ;

Yup it’s Leon in all his ADHDness, alright. And then some.

I try getting him back on track, and ready for school. He just lashes out! He’s angry, and frustrated, and the tears start to fall.

I get it. He feels like we are on top of him, smothering him, trying to control every action he makes… and the truth is, we are. We are because we have to. We are because if we don’t, it won’t get done. We are because at this very moment he just CAN’T. We are because it is a school day and we have to get him ready for his day, feed him, get him dressed, give him his meds and get him out the door and on the bus so he can have a good day at school. It sounds so simple but it’s not. It’s exhausting…. and a little sad.

The sadness comes after he’s gotten on the bus, it comes when all I can think is thank goodness that’s over (now I don’t have to deal with his ADHDness for at least another 7 hours).

The good thing is, neither does he or his teachers for that matter.

That’s when I realize it’s his teachers that always get to see him when he is at his very best.

After such an exhausting, stressful, anxiety provoking morning,that’s enough to make me jealous and then I think, Thank Goodness for weekends!

Crap! I think I’m broken again

Well, it is that time of year again, I guess…

I’m screwing  up again and I just don’t have time for it. I want this new year to be a year of change for the better!! So I have a plan to implement.

Being that I just spent about 15 minutes in the arms of  Kiera, my almost 4-year-old  niece, crying as she stroked my hair and wiped away my tears. I’d say I’m not getting off to the best of starts.

Then again, if I am going to have a nervous break down, there is no better person to be around than a little angel. And she is an Angel. (it’s a plus when that little angel doesn’t get a scare when seeing her Tante  Jiji fall to pieces.)

I haven’t been sleeping regularly. My nights are getting  later and later (or earlier and earlier, depending on how you look at it). In the last week I’ve gotten to bed at 4:30am, 4am, 2-ish …I think (I was proud of myself  for that one, after all I managed to get to bed early that night.) Then it was 4am again, and 5:30am and last night/this morning I went to bed at 6:30am. It’s not healthy, I know. What I don’t know is why I am like this.

It’s as if my life runs on a different clock than everyone else’s, everything is backwards. My days, find me excessively tired and exhausted, and my body seems to work against me. I hurt physically, which  for the most part I am used to being a problem. My fibro flares are definitely worsening with each new episode as time goes on. I don’t know if it’s an age thing or a female thing or just the normal course fibro takes. Personally I am convinced that I have MS, but no one else is. So I guess I must be wrong.

Mentally I feel so freaking scattered, confused, and somewhat lost. My memory is getting so bad; …scary bad, like I am going nuts, bad. I can’t seem to string my thoughts together, let alone complete a normal sentence or have a clear conversation with someone. Even writing this right now has been difficult, it’s taken me over an hour to get this far. my thoughts and emotions are all over the place, They all want to come out but some how they are all scrambled and tangled and stuck in my brain and driving me mad. My words have been coming out of my mouth all wrong, I want to say one thing but something else completely unrelated comes out. It’s called something, when that happens, but I cant remember what it is right now (HA!, go figure)

 –Google Search– Aphasia! that’s the word, Aphasia. Do I have aphasia? Hell if I know. I am not sure of what it is exactly I haven’t really researched it. And it’s probably best if I don’t…. 😉

During the day I feel as if I am just getting through it, one wobbly step at a time. I occasionally have spurts of ambitious thoughts of productivity, but they  seem to get squashed once I try to do something about it. I get too physically tired, too easily and abandon whatever it is I am trying to accomplish. Nothing ever gets done… , not completely anyway.

One of my changes for a better new year includes changing my sleeping habits for a happier healthier me. So the plan is to get to sleep before midnight and not staying up all night long. It sounds easy right? But it is not!! And like I said I really just don’t know why I am not sleeping?

I don’t know why my brain feels all foggy and dull and dimwitted and sleepy all day. And I don’t know why it starts itself up and runs at full throttle at night. It’s as if the dimmer control on the light bulb in my head gets turned all the way down during the day and then gets turned all the way up late at night. It’s as if, my brain is at its most active and productive stages in the evenings. Seriously I feel like I am at my widest awake at night when everyone else is going to bed. AND sometimes I actually end up getting things done. Whether it be doing some writing, organizing files on the computer and backing them up, archiving my photography, and readying them for display, researching my medical and neurological problems, researching ADHD, etc, etc, etc. I am actually doing these things well into the morning. But that’s not to say that I don’t goof off at other times too. There ARE nights that I will promise myself that when Ron heads to bed I will follow, but then when he heads to bed, I just can’t, I don’t feel tired and I know I won’t be able to sleep. So I inevitably  decide to watch just one more show. If I am not feelin’ what’s on the DVR, I will find something on Instant Netflix that I am interested in watching. I if it’s a movie, I may get to bed as early as 2:30 or 3am; but if I land on a new TV series that I want to begin watching I may get so caught up in the cliff hangers, and poor me without an ounce of will-power, will end up having to watch the next episode ..and the next one …and the next one …and so on, and so on, and so on. That’s kind of how I ended up being up till 6:30am this morning (by the way “United States of Tara” – excellent show!!). I do want to add that my lack of will power wasn’t the only reason I was up so late last night. I just COULD NOT sleep. Even at 6:30am – I got into bed, and I just laid there and laid there. And I felt like I was exploding on the inside. All I wanted to do was GO TO SLEEP. The voice in my head would just scream “Sleep already, SLEEP!!!” But I couldn’t and I was just so frustrated and angry; really angry. It was freakin’ 6:30am and I just could NOT sleep.

…….eventually,  I did doze off and slept in until 10am.

So here I am now with only a few hours of sleep, and I am a total mess. The tears just keep rolling and they are not stopping!!! I just want to make them stop! They are giving me a headache that just gets worse and worse with every tear shed. Everything is making me cry. Everything and nothing. To top it off , I’ve got the crazies; my skin is crawling and I just want to rip it off, I am jittery and nauseous and dizzy. I keep pulling at my clothes and my hair, I can’t sit still, I keep jumping up to look for something, but I don’t know what I am looking for, so I sit and I cry while I write, then I get up again and I pace, and then I do it all over again. I am just so tired.

Right now I could sleep, right now in the light of day I could just sleep.  But I REFUSE!! I can’t! I won’t!! I am fighting it. My lids are heavy and they want to close, but if I let myself, how will I ever get back to a normal sleep schedule.

I have been puposely depriving myself  and withholding my naps. That is my strategy for turning  my clock back to the right time zone. And that is a biggie for me. I LOVE my naps. I NEED my naps!! Really I do, especially given my complications with Fibro and the excess tiredness and fatigue I am constantly suffering  from. Naps are a natural and necessary part of my ordinary day, even when I am on a more realistic sleep schedule. But for the last week I’ve held back on the mid day naps so my sleep schedule can match the rest of the world’s. So here I am with a bad case of the crazies; and the tears just keep falling.

Yup, I am broken all right!

Please don’t ask me why or what’s wrong. I don’t know the answer to that and it will only make me cry more. That’s what was so great about having a little angel around. She stroked my hair and wiped my tears and said ” It’s okay Jiji; it will all be okay”, ” I will stay with you and hold your hand and I will be your friend”, “And then Uncle Ron will come home and hold your hand, and he will be your friend too.”  

…Okay, okay, so that did make me blubber all over the place too! But those were good tears. Unfortunately my Angel was picked up early today and I am left here to go cuckoo all on my own. It’s probably for the best though. I am arranging for Leon to be on a playdate right after school too!

ARRRGGH! More tears ….and not so much, the good kind this time.

Where are these tears coming from? Like I said I don’t know exactly, but there are a whole slew of possibilities ..or even the combination of a few or all of them. Probably the later. Lemme see, I am sleep deprived; depressed; in physical pain; menstruating; I am self sabotaging myself; I have temporarily fallen off of my meds (and my rocker too it seems); I still feel over-whelmed by life – which is not part of my new year’s plan; I have too much to get started and I don’t know what comes first; I forget to eat until I remember and then I eat the worst stuff on earth (i.e.. A whole bag of chips for dinner) so I am probably malnourished; I can’t think straight; I have trouble staying awake during the day (even when I am on a good sleep schedule); and there has been such sad news going on all around me lately; and, and, and I am just broken, really, really broken.

An acquaintance’s husband died on Dec 23 with no warning, leaving a wife, a 7-year-old son and 3-year-old twins and barely any money to make ends meet. My close friends, Heather and Eddie are going through hell trying to get answers as to why their sweet little boy keeps ending up in the hospital, most recently being in the ICU throughout the Christmas/New Year’s holiday. My mom’s sister, my Tante Angela, died this past Monday. And just today I found out that a classmate’s, of Leon’s, mom died on New Years Eve. We had met while the boys were in pre-school, she was such a nice person and a great mom. I always have such a hard time hearing about young children losing a parent. So yes, life has been a bummer lately and the news has been really, really sad. And did I mention the whole I am menstruating and therefore I am more hormonal and cry-ee than my usual self thing?

So yeah, I think I am broken. It is definitely not the first time (and probably not my last). Today was just the day I SNAPPED!

…it has taken me all freakin’ day to write this; emotional outbursts in private and all; so I am taking my evening medication and some Tylenol PM and I am getting into bed now and I am going to pray for sleep, and a tear free day tomorrow. Good night.

Today was the day I snapped and tomorrow is the day I will begin again, to fix it.

Ahhh, just another ADHD conversation.

Me: Leon!!!! Why is there a bath towel STUFFED into the toilet bowl!!!!!!!

Leon: What, it’s not my fault! I dropped my glasses in there!

Me: !@#%@#!!!

Ahhh, just another ADHD conversation.

He's just lucky he's so damn beautiful

Nine Years Old and Already Breaking Hearts

A couple of days ago Leon came home from school and I could tell he wasn’t himself. Well not his, get off the bus and get the homework done right away, to get it out-of-the-way, so he can watch TV and play, self.

His ODD was in full force and rearing its ugly head. Everything was an argument or a fight, he asked for things he knew I would disagree to and then would have a huge fit when he would hear the word no. He lashed out, got fresh, and as a result he had to suffer the consequences of his actions. The consequences in this case being no video games for the rest of the day, including his newest addition to his collection; Skylanders.  He had just gotten it for his birthday the week before and was becoming obsessive about it. I felt he needed a break from it. Which he did. But the storm that came after that, resulted in a huge temper tantrum. There was yelling and crying, and screaming and runny noses, and soberly “i hate you’s”, and “i hate myself”, and “i just want to be left alone”, and screaming into pillows, and pinching and scratching at himself, and me grabbing a hold of him in my arms to cradle him and love him and keep him from physically hurting himself.

Phew! I see more and more of myself in this child every day! Memories and things long forgotten and tucked away in the far back of my mind. And now as I watch him go through so many of the things I went through in my own childhood (things that had made me feel “wrong”); and now to see him go through it, and not know how to deal with the intense emotions that come with it,  just kills me. I only hope that I can parlay my understanding and feelings to him based on what I have already gone through and cushion the blow even just a little. Let him know, he is NOT alone, there are others who understand, who get it, who have the same difficulties and differences.

This poor child carries the strain of always having to restrain and keep in check his natural ADHD impulses to do his own thing, his own way, while he is in school all day and for just long enough after school to get his homework done. The meds that he is on helps him to do that, and for all intense purposes work great, but some days are a bit more challenging than others. Sometimes the smallest monkey wrench puts a crimp in his day and throws him completely off course. It could be anything, maybe his schedule was unexpectedly interrupted, maybe he isn’t feeling well or maybe someone said or did something that he just can’t get off of his mind. What ever it is, it can cause the storm described above…

and below….

Leon: MOM! I am having a REALLY bad day! All I want is to come home and relax by playing my new game and you won’t even let me, And I am just really really stressed (pleading now, with tears running down his cheeks) PLEEEASE let me play with my Skylanders I just need to forget today happened!! Pleease!!! I DON’T WANT to go to fencing, I just want to RELAX!!! and I can’t do that if I can’t play my game!!

ME: (cradling my poor sobbing little boy whose trying desperately to sway me into changing my mind about taking away his video game privileges as a result of consequential behavior) I know you are upset, Leon. I am sorry that this hurts your feelings, but you know the rules if you get nasty with mommy you lose certain privileges and telling me you feel too sick to go fencing but just fine to play video games is not going to cut it.

Leon: I’m sooorrrrrry! I won’t do it again. Pllllllleeeeeeaaaassssseeee can I play my game. I had a bad day and besides I got some bad news at school and I am stressed about it! I just neeeeeeeeeed to playayayayay my GAME!

ME: What bad news? Do you want to tell me about it.

Leon: I just don’t want to talk about it OKAY!!! (screaming) Just let me PLAY!!!!!!

ME: eh, there is that tone again. (remaining as calm as any parent who just wants to strangle their beautiful child can)  Lets just try to stay calm and talk things out and we can see were we go from there.

Leon: If you knew this bad news you’d know why I am so stressed!

ME: So tell me about it

Leon: I don’t want to

ME: Okay you don’t have to tell me. But I am a little worried, can you tell me if it’s bad news about you?

Leon: no

ME: is a teacher involved?

Leon: no

Me: a friend?

Leon: yeah…

Me: did someone get hurt or sick?

Leon: no it’s not like that, it’s, it’s it’s just to horrible to say, I’ll write it down.

Me: (a little concerned now…. takes the folded up paper from his hand – reads his scribble and…..) (SMILE) Leon, is this what is upsetting you so much?

Leon: yes!

The note says: ” _________ has a crush on me! (It’s shocking!)”

ME: (inner voice) AWWWWW how freaking cute!!!!!!!!! (outer voice) This is flattering news, it should make you feel good about yourself. _____ is a very nice girl and she obviously has good taste. Don’t look at this as a bad thing, think of it as a good thing. I thought you liked ______.

Leon: I do! but I don’t want a crush, I want a friend!!!!

ME: All you have to do is just tell her that.

We talked a bit more about how he came to this knowledge….

Leon: Her friend came and told me, and then _____ said she was too embarrassed to tell me herself.

ME: what did you say?

Leon: nothing, I just fainted!

Ah the complexities of a fourth grader.

Today he came home in all smiles, we talked a bit before my bronchitis sent me back to sleep and he had a very nice evening playing with his dad.

I had asked him if he had spoken to ______. 

Leon: yeah, I told her that I didn’t feel the same way about her, and I asked her if we could still be friends. and she said yes.

Alls well that ends well!

I just hope ______  is okay! I mean who can blame her? My kid has always been a looker…… 

and he is an AMAZING KID to boot.

Sorry I am not in right now,

To All My Peeps,

I feel as if I have nothing left to give right now. I am empty and some what broken… and my brain has taken an extended vacation.

So …..

if it seems like I am not available to you…

if I seem flighty and inconsiderate…

if I decline invitations or worse yet break our plans at the last minute…

if I forget some big important thing or even something small and insignificant…

if I don’t answer or return your call, IM, or email…

if I disappear awhile and then reappear…

if one minute I am listening and the next minute I am not…

Please forgive me…….; I don’t mean to be a bad friend, I just feel very overwhelmed by life right now. But I am taking it one step at a time and I am working on it.

if I act as if everything is just fine and dandy, even though it’s not and I don’t want to talk about it; if I act as if I am cracking up one moment and normal the next; please just let it be, because normal is a luxury for me.

So if I have been inconsistent, unreliable, or just an out right pain in the ass….. please forgive me and thanks for putting up with me.

I think I may be part Hedgehog

I just figured out something new in the world of; whatever the
frak is wrong with me.

When I get agitated, frustrated, or upset my quills come out. At
least that’s what it feels like,

…only my quills aren’t fine little hairs that stand on end. My
quills are invisible and feel like really long sharp needles attached to nerve
endings that are slowly trying to make their way out from under my skin.

I know sounds horrible; imagine how it feels!

I’ve come to this conclusion based on the day’s activities and the
reaction it caused.

Hubby’s insurance plan is a real sucky one! We have a $2,400 detuctable
that we need to meet at the beginning of each year for our in-network service
plan. We are generally broke for the first 3 months of the year, because all
our money goes to the insurance company for all the meds Leon and I take on a
daily basis.

Well if that isn’t bad enough, our insurance plan demands another
$2,4oo for any Out-of-Network services. So why don’t we stay in network?
Because we can’t find a damn In-network doctor to see us. And by us I mean Leon
and I.

Leon needs a therapist, as well as a social skills group. I have
found two doctors that come very highly recommended, BUT… they are of course
Out-of-Network. Then there is me. Woe is me.

At my doctor visit yesterday with my primary care doctor, I was
advised to seek psychiatric care…. oh and here is a new prescription for even
more meds. In case anyone is keeping score that’s 10 pills a day. As my friend
Kim said “my mom doesn’t even take that many”

It’s frustrating; however, the advice isn’t wrong. I think getting
psychiatric help would be a plus, providing I can find one that I am
comfortable with. I think I definitely do need to speak with a therapist to
help me untangle this life that seems to have gotten completely out of control,
and if that person can also help me reduce the amount of medication I am taking
that would be excellent.

So today I printed out the list of in-network doctors that are in
a 10 mile radius. I was on a roll, and getting things done today. I was pretty
proud of myself for not putting it off. It was time to do some research, I hate
the idea of randomly picking out a doctor that is going to be picking my brain
and telling me who I am, from a list. I much prefer to have a recommendation
from a friend or a referral from a doctor. Unfortunately I am the only crazy
person among my friends so no help there, and as for doctor referrals… well
let’s just say that apparently none of the “good” doctors take my
insurance. So it was between me and the computer to decide who I would choose. Unfortunately
the computer was no help AT ALL! I was hoping to find some reviews on the
doctors on the list to help me choose. Ummmm, Yea, No!

As the time passed and I hit road block after road block I got
more and more frustrated. I called doc after doc after doc, and I was getting
nowhere. Some numbers on the list where wrong, some were fax machines, some had
terribly rude receptionists, one receptionist asked me why I needed to see the
doctor, and when I said, “depression…….and some issues with ADHD, I
guess”; her response was, “Oh, he doesn’t treat that”

What? What the what? Okeeeee…. moving on. One only specialized
in substance abuse, another in geriatrics (I was too young, go figure), one
doctor whom I was actually able to find a review on, now practices two states
over; and then there was the one with whom I spoke to directly, and it wasn’t
until I gave him every last detail about me that he realized I was calling
about his practice in the county that I live in rather than a neighboring one.
Unfortunately he isn’t seeing new patients in my county. I also skipped around
on the list, picking and choosing friendly names. Silly, I know but the names
were all I had to go on and well, I don’t know how to say this without sounding
a bit prejudice, which I am soooo not, so I’ll just say it very plainly as, I
prefer the doctor with whom I am going to spend a lot of time communicating
with, to have english as their first language. No disrespect intended but if I
can’t understand the accent how can they help me? So I skipped quite a few
names until they were all that was left.

Four hours later, I still haven’t found a doctor and I am hurting
and uncomfortable and realizing that these weird pins and needles/prickling
thing was getting worse the more I agonized over finding a damn doctor. And it
isn’t just pins and needles, its worse; it’s like a million needles trying to
escape my body all at once. In my arms, my hands, my cheeks, my lips, and on
the back of my neck.

So yeah I think I may be part hedgehog. Don’t they get all sharp
and prickly when they are agitated??

I Nominate; My Superman

I recently found this on  ellen ;

Nominate the Amazing Person in Your Life…

Do you know an amazing person who could use Ellen’s help? We want to hear about them! Tell us all about the most deserving person you know, and how Ellen can rock their world. Maybe it’s a family member or spouse who always puts your needs before their own, a neighbor who has changed your community for the better, or even a teacher who goes above and beyond with your kids. This season, Ellen’s gonna keep giving back!
Read more: http://ellen.warnerbros.com/show/respond/?PlugID=433#ixzz1RH3DUlaq

So I decided to nominate My Superman!

Dear Ellen,

I love you and I love your show. You and your show always make my day! You are just so genuine, with a hugely generous nature. You have a way of making people feel comfortable and at ease; like spending time with a really good friend.

Well good friend, I’d like to share something with you about my family, about my husband in particular.

His name is Ron, he is a handsome devil, a smooth talker with an odd sense of humor, a sci-fi geek, who rocks my world, and keeps things balanced in our lives. And he is the most giving and amazing man I know. He always puts the needs of our family before his own.  When I met Ron, he became the man who renewed my faith in hope. In short he is my Superhero.

My family consists of Ron (39), myself (42), and our son, Leon (8)

We have a good life, NOT an easy one, but a good one, because we have each other. Things have always been tough on us financially, and we always seem to muddle through whatever life throws at us, either on our own or with help from our extended family. And for this we have always been truly grateful.

We all do our best to make the most of our lives. But no one works harder than my husband to provide and take care of our little family. I try and do my best too, but I have so many limitations, that I fear he often gets the short end of the stick.

Both my son and I suffer from disabilities that require regular doctor visits and a lot of very expensive medication between the both of us. My son has severe ADHD/ODD and I suffer from Fibromyalgia. We have a HUGE deductible on our medical insurance and given our individual medical needs it is necessary for us to come up with a LARGE sum of money in a very small amount of time at the beginning of each year. He barely makes enough money that we can usually get by living paycheck to paycheck with just enough left over to cover and enjoy the little things like the movies or Cub Scout fees for our son.  But when the big bills come in, that’s when we really struggle.

This year, so far, has really tested Ron’s limits.  Ron’s car died, and while we managed to get by with only one car for a few months we did eventually have to buy a second used car, which is already in need of repair.

In addition to our financial stress, Ron has had to take on additional parenting duties, above and beyond all the amazing things he already does with and for our son, due to the decline in my health this year.

No matter what comes our way, Ron does everything he can to make things right again. He really is a good man, and he puts his all into everything he does. As a husband he is just amazing, not only does he work hard in the office every day, but he comes home to take care of a majority of the household duties, when I can’t, due to my disability; and he still makes time to be a Den Leader in Leon’s Cub Scout troop and spend quality time with him.

Lately though, it seems as if life has really been testing Ron’s limits. My husband’s normally optimistic outlook on life seems to be dimming. Right now, Ron feels as if we just can’t get a break and that everything is getting thrown at him all at once and he just can’t get ahead. Some days I look at him and he just looks so terribly defeated, like someone had just drained him of all his energy. It kills me to see him this way.

This is a man who truly deserves a break. Not only is he an amazing husband and father but he is also a genuinely GOOD MAN!

Ellen, PLEASE help me make my husband’s life just a little bit easier.

Here we are at his sister’s wedding, which also happens to be our wedding anniversary. (I am the one with the pink hair 🙂 )

Me and my Superman!

EDITTED ON Jan 19th 2012 to add:

Hey Ellen,

Being that this IS your birthday-month; I wanted to share with you that May is my husband’s birthday month. In fact, this year he turns 40 on May 13, 2012.

You know incase the SWAGGIN WAGON is in NY around that time???

That’s a hint…. you know incase you didn’t catch it.

Love ya Ellen!!

And my Superman!!!

Just another day in Boringville

What the voices in my head are screaming….

I think everyone has a little voice in their head, that whispers quiet thoughts that are just for them and dare not be spoken out loud.

At least I hope that’s true, otherwise it’s just me with a voice in my head.

…and in my case, I think there may be more than one voice.

I definitely think I have a voice that whispers quiet thoughts to me; telling me right from wrong, thinking one thing but advising me to say another to spare someones feelings or keep certain things protected and private.

But there is another voice in my head, a voice that has been sounding off since as far back as 12 or maybe even earlier.

When I was very young my lips would betray me and repeat out loud what that voice would say in my head. But in my defense, I didn’t know better, my selfcontrol of such things had not yet matured, and besides that voice was always the loudest. In fact it was a screamer.

I think I developed that voice from my mom. In more ways than just one.

My mom’s inner voice seemed to always be spoken outloud and unfiltered for everyone to hear. It became the example for me early on. So nI got that voice from my mom and because of my mom.

And to this day, that voice, “The Screamer”, the one that only responds to my mother still screams out in my head from time to time.

This morning was one of those times. This is what the voices in my head where SCREAMING, this morning during a conversation over the phone with my mom this morning about how forgetful I have been getting and therefore I must be addicted to pain medication:

“Ugh, I am NOT addicted to pain meds; I am too forgetful to be addicted to pain meds, I can’t even remember to take them”

“…I don’t care what Dr, Oz says… Dr. Oz does not even know me. And neither do Dr. Phil or Oprah for that matter!”

“…STOP SHOULDING ON ME!”

“…I’ve been like this my entire life!!”

“…Hellooooooo… I have Fibromyalgia  and ADHD”

“…There are TONS of things I should do”

“…would you look in the damn mirror, and stop projecting yourself on me”

“…one newspaper article and an episode of Dr. Phil, does NOT an expert make”

“…just because you gave birth to me does not mean you know me”

“…maybe I am just forgetful because I am too damn busy and stressed from helping everyone else that I don’t have time for my own life, let alone remember what is going on in it!”

“ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

And then comes the quiet whisper;

Can you believe this woman is going to be 70!?!?

“…Aww,  just give her a break, this princess is going to be 70 in just a few months”

And more importantly;

“… I LOVE you, Mom!”

 

Edited to Add; My mom does not read my blog (hmm… she might know me better if she did) But, to those of you who do AND speak to my mom – Let’s just keep this between us more computer savvy people, okay?

LENNIE – this means you too 🙂

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