Just call me Jiji

…me, just pretending to be me ….now, where did I put that cape??

Archive for the tag “ADD”

HAPPY New Year!?!???

Well, I had to say it, didn’t I? This is after all my first post of 2011.

Thing is I’m not feeling’ so Happy New Yearish at the moment. It’s part of why it’s taken me this long to post something. It’s not that there haven’t been any happy occasions, events, or news to post about; there have actually, and I want to share them, especially because some very good things have been happening with Leon; it’s just that, well, I am just too damn tired (and in pain) to even think clearly. And not the I just have so much to do tired either. It’s more like the, just walking from the couch to the bathroom and back has me feeling like all my energy just drained out of me and I can’t move, type of tired.

There is no doubt about it; this winter is really messing with my fibro BIG TIME. Mother Nature and Jack Frost have teamed up to kick my butt!

Here is today’s forecast from the National Weather Center:

Winter Storm Warning

  • Statement as of 9:52 PM EST on January 26, 2011
    … Winter Storm Warning remains in effect until 6 am EST
    Thursday…A Winter Storm Warning remains in effect until 6 am EST Thursday.

* Locations… portions of northeast New Jersey… New York City
and southern Long Island.

* Hazards… heavy snow.

* Accumulations… 8 to 14 inches of snow… with locally higher
amounts possible.

* Winds… north winds of 10 to 20 mph with gusts up to 30 mph are
expected across New York City and northeast New Jersey.

* Timing… a wintry mix of snow… sleet… and freezing rain…
becoming a moderate to heavy snow this evening… and a heavy
snow overnight. Up to a quarter of an inch of ice this evening.

Special Weather Statement

    • Statement as of 1:13 am EST on January 27, 2011
      … Heavy snow will impact Bergen… Bronx… Essex… Fairfield…
      Hudson… Kings (Brooklyn)… Middlesex… Nassau… New Haven… New York
      (Manhattan)… Passaic… Queens… Richmond (Staten Island)…
      Rockland… Suffolk… Union… Westchester and western New London
      counties…At 1257 am EST… National Weather Service Doppler radar was tracking
      a wide band of heavy snow extending from northern Connecticut
      through Long Island and New York City.

Snowfall rates within this band are between 2 to 3 inches per
hour… but could be as high as 4 inches per hour in the heaviest
portions of the band in Nassau… western Suffolk… New Haven and
Middlesex counties.

In addition… gusty winds between 20 and 30 mph with occasional
gusts up to 35 mph will occur causing blowing and drifting
snow….and reducing visibilities to 1/2 mile or less.

Motorists should exercise extreme caution.

A Winter Storm Warning remains in effect for the area.

We’ve already had so many storms so far this New Year that I’ve lost count at this point and it’s only January.  These storms have been so frequent and so on top of each other, the effects of which are unbearable. It’s times like this that I am most aware of my Fibro …obviously!

Last week a friend got an up-close peak into my life with Fibro, when she stopped by to invite Leon and me over and found me curled up in a ball on the couch, with my head resting in Ron’s lap as I wept because the pain was that intense. I think it really took her by surprise. This invisible disability suddenly became visible.  Being the wonderful friend that she is, she took Leon so I didn’t have to worry about him seeing me like that.

I actually felt a bit embarrassed that she had seen me like that.

I know I should not be embarrassed by the situation but it is very rare for someone to see me with that bad of a flare-up, and in that much pain, and THAT vulnerable.

Not that I haven’t had flare-ups before in front of people. It’s just that, well, it isn’t always so blatant. The pain is always there alright, and occasionally someone will comment or make a joke about me walking like a crumpled up old women before I can straighten myself up, but usually it will go unnoticed. But Friday’s flare-up, that was something all together different that was what I usually refer to as a “lost in the pain” flare-up. One that gets so bad that I feel completely lost and consumed in the pain.

And with this icy cold, snowy, storm-filled winter I feel like it is freezing me in time and incapacitating me to the point that I cannot even function in my own life right now. I have been out of commission since this year began.  As a result not only am I suffering but so is my family.

The all over joint pain, headaches, fatigue (serious fatigue), insomnia, and muscle weakness keep me from being able to do normal everyday things, including taking care of my family. The burden then falls on Ron; my dear and wonderful husband. So now his life has been turned upside down too.

Not only does Ron leave the house to work all day, but when he is home he has to take care of the things I can’t.

Much to my dismay and intense gratitude he gets up early with Leon every morning without waking me up. He knows that mornings have always been difficult for me, but right now they are even more so. My insomnia has kept me up till anywhere between 3am and 5am on a regular basis. I am thankful because waking up every morning at 7am and functioning on all cylinders is practically unheard of.  I just wish I could do more in the mornings so Ron could get ready for work stress free.

Ron has to get himself and Leon ready at a time when Leon’s ADHD is at its worst. There always tends to be a battle whether it is about taking a shower, eating his, breakfast or getting dressed for school. I usually wake up to one or the other’s yelling or a phone call telling me, my sister is on her way with my niece, whom I care for while my sister is at work. Although, too often this year I’ve had to send her to my mom’s instead.

As it is I am no longer caring for Nico (my friend’s son), but now my fibro is forcing me to give up more days with Kiera too, making money even scarcer.

While taking care of Kiera can be extremely draining, I at least can nap when I need to, while she does. I just can’t see that being included as a benefit in a real job 😉 , so while money is scarce, I am lucky that my sister needs my help. The major downside then falls to Leon and Ron again.

Generally while caring for Kiera or any child, one would think I could keep up with the house work since I am home anyway. Unfortunately that just isn’t always the case, and right now because of the intensity of my flare -up and especially because of how long it has been lasting, there just isn’t any relief long enough for me to catch up on my housefrau duties. It’s embarrassing!

What is worse, is that rather than let it all pile up, Ron jumps in and picks up the slack. It makes me feel so guilty, because I can see it is taking a toll on him.  The getting up with Leon, and battling him to get ready for school while preparing his breakfast and packing up his lunch, and sticking him on the bus; then he has his job to contend with; only to come home and have to contend with me, who is thoroughly exhausted and mostly immobile from the pain and Leon whose meds have worn off and is talking a mile a minute, bouncing off the furniture, and vary needy at this time of the day.

On my normal days, flare-up or not I would have at least pushed myself  to clean up after the day’s activities, get the dishes done, have Leon’s homework done, fed him and ready for bed by the time Ron got home so that he could at least enjoy himself with their ‘Daddy and Leon bedtime routine’. I’ll be honest, I rarely get all of that done, especially during flare-ups, but I do my very best and depending on the severity of the day I have gotten quite a bit of it done. But right now it’s as if my tush has been glued to either the couch or my bed. Basically I’ve been bedridden (or couch-ridden as it were) since the year began, and if the weather keeps up this way I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon.

I worry about the strain it puts on Ron. Add to that the struggles we face financially at the beginning of each year because of how our medical insurance is structured. Between Leon’s ADHD/ODD meds and my Fibro /ADD meds and our regular doctor visits, we have to come up with a lot of cash in a very short amount of time because we have a $2500.00 deductable to meet. That’s not an easy thing to do when living paycheck to paycheck. This is the time of year when our bills pile up. So on top of the strain my fibro puts on Ron he has this to deal with. Now add to it the fact that Ron’s car has died and can no longer be driven, so he has to use my van until we can afford a new car. At least with me pretty much being bed-ridden I can do without the van for now.

The guilt and the depression that comes with it weigh very heavily on me. I feel responsible for Ron’s stress, and I worry about his health.

So with all that, it hasn’t felt very Happy New Yearish   ….yet

As I said before there have been a few highlights to the year so far, involving Leon, so not all is lost.

But that will have to wait for another day.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

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I will not play with fire…I will not play with fire…I will no…

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Hoo Boy!! My worst fear is Leon becoming extra ordinarily attracted to fire! It satisfies the need for instant gratification and shows lack of impulse control. Fire is highly attractive to many with ADHD, like a moth to a flame, and just as dangerous.

Last night our little moth got caught up in the flame.

It was my fault completely and I take the blame and the shame that comes with it. I feel like a terrible, terrible mom for letting my guard down, especially since I should have known better.

I had received a beautiful candle from a good friend on Halloween, and I wanted to enjoy it. Being that Leon was contentedly occupied on his computer, I felt it was safe to light it in the living room, after all he was two whole rooms away. My huge mistake was not listening to my first instinct to blowing it out as soon as he went into the livingroom to watch TV. I had planned on doing just that, but he stopped me and very sweetly asked that I leave it on, because he liked the way it made the room feel. He asked me to trust him.

Ah, TRUST. My very mature nearly eight year old child wants me to trust him, I want to trust him, but not only is he a child but he is a child with ADHD. That is a hard one. I believe strongly in letting him develop his independence, so when he asks me to trust him, I want to show him that I believe in him, I want him to feel trusted. But because of his inability to control his impulses without the right parameters in place. Trust is not and should not be doled out unconditionally. Additionally trust is something that is earned and must be maintained. I believe that Leon’s ADHD adds a bit of difficulty to doing that.

He asked me to trust him. Had he earned that trust? The answer is yes. Had he maintained that trust thus far? Still yes. Had I made a huge error in going against my natural instinct to be extremely and overly cautious about trusting him with something like fire in the first place? That is a BIG HELL YEAH!

I let my guard down, that is not to excuse it though, I still own that the mistake was mine.

You see Leon is a very bright boy, he retains information extremely well. Once something has been taught to him, you can be sure he knows it!! But despite that fact, or the fact that he has been to numerous fire safety exhibits, or that he has been taught how to build and maintain a campfire properly and safely in Cub Scouts, as well as by his Dad and Grandpa; I for one have never been comfortable with the idea of a child; let alone my child, my ADHD child at that,  near a flame; campfire, candle, or otherwise. I know that any parent, or non-parent for that matter would feel the same. But the fact that I had to go through life without my father due to a fire, makes me just that much more hyper sensitive to this issue.

Leon has been around quite a few fires in his lifetime, at the campground and with the Cub Scouts. I have seen him get awfully close, but not because he was being careless (quite the opposite really), but because he was given permission too. Not by me, well not at first anyway, but by his Dad (or Grandpa) who felt more strongly that he could be trusted because he had learned all the right things to do as well as what not to do. And because they were watching him carefully. Something that I have just learned is not enough.

Despite my heart beating a mile a minute and my holding my breath every time Leon even neared a campfire; I myself began to let my guard down and trust him as the others did. In fact I even felt a bit of pride at how well he handled himself around fire and at how much he knew about fire safety and prevention.

It was that pride and a small sense of security in knowing that my son knew how dangerous fire has the potential of being, that allowed me to drop my guard and trust him when he asked me to leave the candle on.

Stupid, stupid, stupid!! What the hell was I thinking??? Seriously, I freak out when I find matches or other fire starter within his reach, but I agree to leave an open flame lit with him in the same room? WTF??

I agreed because, before doing so we went over the rules of fire safety, I could watch him and the flame from where I was sitting, and he was clearly advised that he would have to sit on the couch and not go anywhere near it!! I agreed because I hadn’t taken into account that it was already 7pm and his medication had already worn off. I agreed because I let my guard down.

HE HAS ADHD, DAMN IT! NEVER, NEVER LET YOUR GUARD DOWN!!

The result was not disastrous by any means, but it was very scary for all of us. One minute I had looked over to where he was and where the candle was and all was peaceful and the next minute I looked up and the whole candle jar was on fire. I ran over and once I had realized what had happened, I snapped. I started to yell and scream, demanding to know what he did (knowing full well what he had done) while trying to put the fire out in a panic. Ron ran into the room and managed to get it out.

Leon’s immediate response was to deny, deny, deny. To which i called him a liar. Ron put his hand on my shoulder to calm me and it worked. I then calmly told Leon that we were leaving the room for 5 minutes to let him think and when we returned he had better be prepared to tell the truth.

The Truth? He threw a kleenex on top of the flame to make it a little bit bigger.

His immediate consequence was to go to bed early, we told him that we would have to think of a pretty big consequence to match the seriousness of his actions and that we would discuss it in the morning. Before he left for bed he drew a picture of all his favorite things with a circle around them and a line diagonally across and handed it to me. He said “I really don’t want you to, but I think you should take away my favorite things for like a month or maybe 2 weeks”. We told him our decision would be made by morning.

This morning Ron and I informed him that his punishment included No Computer, No Wii, & No DS for 1 week, additionally he was required to complete a different written assignment on each day of his punishment, (today he wrote “I will not play with fire 10 times) and lastly his he has to go to bed 1/2 an hour earlier every night for 1 week.

We turned his drawing into a poster as a reminder. It is the one pictured below. We then got into the car and drove to the local Fire Station and he had a talk with one of the firemen there. I really hope this will make an impact on him. Leon suggested that tomorrow his written assignment should include making a map of our house and developing an emergency escape plan.

I am still very worried. I have been ever since the psychologist who evaluated him told me to be cautious and watch for signs of pyromania as he gets older, as it is common among kids with ADHD as severe as his is.

WHY DID I EVER LET MY GUARD DOWN?????

I now understand why my mom beat the living daylights out of me with a yard stick when I was caught playing with fire!

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11/10/10 EDITED TO ADD: Just to add some clarity to why I am/was so hard on myself and so stricken by this situation  (and to explain why my mom beat the crap out of me); – a few months before my 3rd birthday and just two weeks before my sister was born (2 months prematurely); my father died of smoke inhalation in a fire. The fire ignited after he had fallen asleep in his bed with a lit cigarette, and he was trapped in the apartment, and the smoke got to him before the firemen could.

  FIRE SAFETY IS A BIG DEAL TO US!

“No Reason Roses”

It is definitely safe to say that Leon’s ADHD is heavy on the imulsive hyeractive side of the disorder. And with it comes some sleep issues. He has trouble falling asleep, which is why we give him Melatonin. He also has trouble staying asleep or at least staying asleep to a decent hour of the morning. He often wakes up at about 6am or shortly there after, no matter what time  he goes to sleep at night.

What this means for us, his parents, is that one or both of us have to get up with him. Mostly to keep him from getting himself into trouble. What kind of trouble could he possibly get himself into at 6am, you ask?

Well there was the time I walked in on him useing my sunblock face stick to write on the wall and window, or the time I found him stuffing half a dozen candy wrappers into the couch cushions as I walked in the room, or the time I found him sitting in his pajamas on the couch watching TV next to a pair of scissors and his legs…. Yes you read that right – he was sitting next to his legs, his pajama legs that is. He was hot, so rather than just take the pajamas off he decided to get a scissor and cut the legs off of them while they were still on him. And who can forget the jumping out of his bedroom window at 5:30 in the morning incident?

So we tend to not want to leave the child unattended without some adult supervision, at least not until he has had his meds. They certainly make a difference. That’s for sure.

Sometimes the result, is … well the whole tug-o-war thing I mentioned in my previous post. Okay not sometimes, most times it’s the whole tug-o-war thing. But sometimes, when one of us, Ron or I, wake up right away and accomidate his immediate needs for attention and something to do right away, on a day like today when none of us have to rush to get ready and keep to the tight schedule of getting to work, or school, or camp, on time; …sometimes the result is just awesome. And oh so pleaseing 

Leon came in to our bedroom this morning, reminding Ron of his promise to get up early with him to go for a morning walk. So at 6am Ron climbed out of bed, threw on a pair of jeans and a baseball cap while Leon raced to get dressed as well, and they went off for thier morning walk.

This isn’t the first time they’ve done this. In fact it is a ritual that Ron started to do when summer first began, as a way to connect with Leon on some very personal one-on-one time for just the two of them. Often they would walk a few blocks and end up at the supermarket down the road where they would pick up a bunch of fruit and a few other grocery items before turning around to come home. Going on this walk is actually a pretty big deal, because for the most part Ron is definetly NOT a morning person. In fact he can be down right GRUMPY!

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Now while they have gone on these walks in the past, it’s has been quite a while since they’ve gone on one. More than a few weeks I would guess-timate. Like I said Ron in NOT, I repeat NOT a morning person. So today was very special…. for all of us!

Leon and Ron got to have their special one on one time. Leon got his need for immediacy (is that a word?) fulfilled. And me, ….I got to sleep in till 9am!!! Woo Hoo!!! That is awesome just all by itself. But there is more.

I woke up this morning in a bed all to myself and as I  shuffle  my way, all blurry eyed and groggy into the bathroom I hear voices in the other room.

Leon: Dad!, Dad!, She’s awake!, Mom’s up. She’s awake!

Ron: Okay, Shhh, shhh. Okay over here.

Leon: Mom!, Mom!

Ron: Give her a minute. She just woke up, She’s going to the bathroom. She will be right out.

( I hear russling and shuffling outside the door…)

I walk out, still blurry eyed and groggy and this is what I see:

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This is exactly how and where they were standing... 
and yes, I did make them do a 'do over' so I could get a picture.  
Tee hee - 
Look at Ron's hair, now you know why he put the cap on before going out

Now THAT is a nice way to wake up!! Leon walks over to me with the roses and gives my legs a great big hug. I say “what’s all this for?” and he say “no reason, just beacause you are a super great mom”  Awwww! :*

A bacon, egg and cheese sandwich with hash browns on the side for breakfast AND “no reason roses”, what more can a ‘Super Great Mom’ ask for? 😉

Ron told me that it was all Leon’s idea. I LOVE my hyperactive, impulsive son!!!   And his Dad ain’t half bad either!

Today? A good day? ……

                                          …..A Good Day, Indeed!!!!

 

Needless to say the first 20 minutes of my day today was AWESOME!

The Face of ADHD?

So what does ADHD look like?

ADHD can effect anyone. Men, Women, Boys, and Girls

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There are plenty of folks out there with ADHD….

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And it doesn’t just effect the person with ADHD, it also effects the people around them, the people who love them.

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Ron and I are effected by Leon’s ADHD in so many ways. We race to keep up with him, we suffer though his loud outbursts, try to quiet his tantrums and wipe away his tears, we worry about his future. His pain, is our pain.

 

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       His  energy is endless. When he finally does wind down, we are just as exhausted as he is

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And then there is the best part….

 His smile, his laughter, his sense of adventure, his inquizative nature and his resourcfulness.

 

 

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With all the messes he has gotten into, from early on in life, he has certainly kept us on our toes and has made our lifes very very interesting.

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The face of ADHD?….

        …There are many!

 

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Bright Side of the Day.

The Bright Side of the Day is that I am now finally, FINALLY alone, by myself with my tears and my computer.

I am feeling like an awful, awful mother right now. I know I try my best and I do my best. But I certainly am not feeling my best.

Right now all I want is a vacation. A vacation away from my life, my life as a mother and even as a wife (if only because my duties as a wife include being ‘The Mom”). I wouldn’t have to go anywhere special. I just want to go away. To a place where I dont want to stick my kid in a straight jacket with a gag over his mouth and tie him to a chair. Just so he will stop touching everything within 2 feet of him, so he wont get a hold of the most innocent of household objects and turn them into instruments of mass destruction, so he won’t jack-rabbit out the front door every time the urge comes to mind, so I don’t have to listen to him talking and talking, yelling and yelping, calling out, whining, begging, nagging, and talking some more  just to make noise, so I don’t have to keep up and follow every move he makes while he jumps from one activity to the next within 5 minutes of starting the first because that’s how quickly he is bored, so I don’t have to constantly be on top of everything and stay ahead of every possible scenerio that could come up, so I can breathe and so he can breathe without either of us breathing down each others necks, so I can get what’s on MY agenda accomplished whether it be working with my photos, my blog, or actually cleaning my house to the point where I can be proud of it rather than depressed by it, so I don’t have to constantly explain or apologize for his actions, so I don’t always feel as if I’ve been beaten with a bat for the hundredth time today, so there is no yelling – not his or mine, so I can sleep soundly without worrying about what’s coming next. So I can just cry.

So, Today’s ‘Bright Side of the Day” is my very very brief 2to 3 hour vacation from being Leonsmom.

Whom I kidding….

                         …………….no one not even me. I feel awful.incrediblemomretirementonlyadreamco

Blogging it out!! (Part 1)

While it would be so much easier to just block it out, that is just simply not an option here. So I am blogging it out instead.

I need to release this, …this, …this panic, stress, fear, pain, anger, desperation, and a bunch of other words I just can’t think of right now.

I haven’t posted in a while (3 weeks have past) because it’s just too exhausting to rehash everything.  I’d like to be able to at least alternate between the happy events and the difficult times on here but lately the difficult times just seem to over shadow the happy. But isn’t that just always the way it is, it’s the bad and the ugly that weigh heavily on our minds and the good that just floats on by. In an effort to take the weight off I am dumping it all, right  here, right now. ALL OF IT!!

Leon’s behavior just seems to get worse with each passing day. Every week it is something new. And I just can’t figure out what is going on. In a previous post; The Dreaded Phone Call I told the story of Leon “stabbing’ his OT in the hand with a pencil. That occurred on Monday 4/20/09,  and even though that was 3 weeks ago, story now continues from there.

Tue. 4/21– Bring Leon to the bus stop and have an anxiety attack triggered by the fact that Leon told his bus mates that he was grounded and when they asked what he did he started to say “I stabbed the teacher” before I pulled him away and reminded him NOT to tell people that, it was no one’s buisness but ours! (oh and anyone that reads this blog) I just didn’t want the kids at school thinking of him as that kid that stabbed the teacher with a pencil.   – I also decided to start up Leon’s daily progress journal again ( a notebook that goes back and forth between his teacher and I)

Wed. 4/22 –  Leon comes home with a 2 page entry in his journal, these are the highlights:

Leon did not want to work this morning

Leon cut up his papers so he couldn’t glue them back together

Leon rushed his coloring, scribbling all over with one color

Leon proceeded to make noises and fool around w/ his neighbors

Leon blew his second chance with the papers by doing the first page and crossing out the rest

Leon put glue stick all over the floor

The principle came to speak with Leon

Leon ate lunch in the principles office and completed his work there

Leon decided to push his desk to another spot during math.when told to move it back (to his spot), he moved it all the way to the back of the room. When Mrs. D looked at him he wisely said “Well you told me to move it back!”

Leon refused to sit when Mrs. D moved his seat to the correct spot, instead he decided to lean on it and dance

Leon tripped a girl (D) while packing up in the coat room, then he walked to the center of the room and threw his money. each time Mrs D tried to stop him he would walk away and throw something else.

Leon was very disruptive and defiant, unfortunately they were unable to complete their work as a class.

After reading all this when he got home from school I felt some major consequences were in order. We decided that he would lose his DS privileges for the rest of the month – I also took this opportunity to put my “earning DS time plan” into effect.

I am pretty proud of this plan. It entales earning tokens for certain tasks, the tasks include cleaning his room (reinforcing the “No DSifyourroomis a mess” rule ,  staying in his seat until his meal is complete (something we’ve been working on for a loooong time – he hops around and gets up at least a dozen times before a meal is through – arrrrgh), emptying his collection basket (a basket of all of the things that I find laying about the house instead of away where they belong), making his bed (which actually means clearing it of all the books that get dumped on there each morning when he wakes up before we do). For each completed task he gets a round magnetic token which equals 10 minutes of time for use on his DS or other computer game. Another rule is that in order to use his earned time he must have 30 or more minutes saved up AND his room must be clean (remember, “No DS if the Room is a Mess!”) …I have to say I looove this plan!! It has been working well and Leon actually enjoys it and seems to have a sense of pride over earning the tokens.

Okay, so in addition to his losing his DS and having to start ‘the plan’, I just could not see letting him go out and enjoying himself as if nothing had happened at a birthday party after such bad behavior so I would not let him go to Mac’s Bday party. (SORRY MAC!!! and Heath!!) He was devastated, I hated doing it because both Mac and her family are very important to me. But I just could not do it! Leon became very defiant and even tried to run out to the car so I could not leave without him ( I planned to go anyway as they are close friends) I had to physically pick him up and put him in his room. In defiance he refused to take his coat off swearing that he was not moving from this spot and when daddy got home he was going to get in the car and go with me! He stubbornly stood his ground and refused to move from his spot in his doorway. he stood in the same exact spot for a good 30 to 40 minutes while I waited for Ron to get home from work so I could leave Leon. Anytime I would look in on him he would be in the same spot and say”I’m still here, I’m not moving”. When Ron pulled into the driveway I went to reassure Leon of my love and planted a kiss on his forehead. That’s when I smelt it. I looked at him and asked “Did you poop your pants?”  …yup he pooped! So I told Ron to take care of it and I left. Not to long after that Ron put Leon to bed and got on the phone with a friend, during the call Leon interrupted several times, and Ron told him to stay in bed, after too many interruptions Ron went to speak to him only to find out he pooped his pants again……

Thur. 4/23– There was a pushing incident in gym but the rest of the day went well. ….it went well that is until he got home. I wasn’t home. Ron was. I had to work a consignment sale for a few days so Ron took that day off to help me. He got Leon off the bus and began the homework battle, something that I am secretly happy about this, maybe he appreciates what I go through on a daily basis with Leon now. That was followed by Karate. Ron as usual had no trouble getting him to go, but that did not mean it was trouble free. Leon managed to find a safety pin  in Ron’s car. He bent it into a ‘M’ shape to lace around his fingers and then took it into the class with him. Luckily the Sensai saw it and took it away but not before finding out that Leon’s plan was to lace it around his fingers, point sticking out palm side so he could high five someone with it. Okay I have to say it WTF!! What the hell am I going to do with this child?????????

Fri 4/24 – I did not deal with Leon at all this day, I was out working the consignment all day and night, I saw him briefly in he morning and kissed him at night as he slept – my angel. That’s not to say my day wasn’t anxiety ridden given the week we just had.

Mon 4/27 – and the 4 days that followed were relatively mild in comparison to the prevous week, even though the daily journal did report some refusal to work, disruptive behavior, calling out, tattling, and excessive energy (read; constantly on the go). At least there were no phone calls.

Sun5/3– Leon had an appointment with his Pediatrician to discuss his escalating behavioral issues and aggressiveness, along with some possible treatment options. The doctor and I discussed whether or not he was an anxious child, to which I would have to say yes. Leon is hyper-sensitive and often quite anxious about things, he gets apprehensive about certain movies (we are talking Disney movies) where if he is kept in suspense and suspects it might be scary he has to shut it off or leave the theatre, seemingly simple rides scare him yet others of equal level can be fine, certain noises worry him, he’s afraid of the dark, he gets very very anxious over the possibility of failing at something therefore refuses to try and that includes school work. So we discussed medication and trying him on a mood stabilizer. The question now was if he should stop the stimulant and just take the mood stabilizer or should he take both at the same time. Being that both Ron and I had been against meds to begin with, before we even came around to agreeing to him taking anything, I agreed with the doc that we should try just the mood stabilizer and reintroduce the stimulant if necessary.  Meanwhile being that I have no choice but to go to the doc appointments alone, I still had to discuss it all with Ron. So while I got a prescription, it was not actually filled till the next day.

Mon 5/4– Ron agreed to the medication plan and we had the script filled for use beginning on the next day. Meanwhile at school Leon’s day was full of energy, calling out , very talkative, and disruptive.  ….basically, the usual. When Leon got off the bus he seemed very excited about something. He ran right up to me yelling “I’m a girl, I’m a girl, Look at me I look like a girl” As he gets closer I realize he has something all over his face. It’s blue marker. Marker that he used as lipstick, eyeshadow, and a dot on each ear for earrings. He proudly holds out his hands to show me the pink marker nail polish on his fingers. I asked him what happened? He said “I colored my face and hands to look like a girl, don’t I look like a girl?” , “Why do you want to look like a girl?”,I ask. He says “Because I want to be a girl”. I ask, “Why do you want to be a girl?”, He answers “Because mommy, I don’t want to be me!”, “I don’t like being me, I am bad and I always get in trouble””So I want to be a girl”        …….did you hear that???? That was the sound of my heart breaking!!!! My poor poor little boy! We sat down together on the floor, him in my lap with my arms wrapped tightly around him, while I told him how sad I would be if he were anyone other than my child. That he was just perfect being not so perfect. That he was my superstar, and that he was just fine the way he is. I assured him of my love and squeezed him sooo tight, until he said “okay moooom, can you let me go now so I can go clean my room to earn minutes for my DS?”, “Go right ahead Leon, go clean your room if you want”  …{click, Whhhaaaa!} That was the sound of me locking myself in my room and crying my eyes out. I don’t think I ever fell asleep that night or the next few for that matter either. So much weighing on my mind! SO MUCH WEIGHING ON MY POOR LITTLE BOY’S MIND!!! Why Lord? Why? Why must my child go through this? Why at age six do things need to be this difficult on him? Why isn’t there a clear, cut and dry answer on how I can help him? How can I take this pain away? I bleed for him, I feel his pain, I felt his pain…. When I was a child (granted older than six at the time) but a child none the less I felt this pain, only it was my own. It was pain that I had carried with me through out my life …that is until I met Ron and found new hope. Ron allowed me to see myself through his eyes and the pain was lifted. It took 30 years for that to happen. Why can’t I lift this pain for the greatest love of my life, heart of my heart, my reason for being, my son? I don’t want him to have to go through this in his life, not even for a minute.

Tue 5/5– His first day on the mood stabilizer (without the stimulant). Wow what a stupid idea THAT was!!! The phone call from the gym teacher calling to let me know Leon had defaced the gym walls by drawing on them in pen was bad enough. But then Leon came home and his daily progress journal was filled with a 5 page note from his teacher. Granted I asked for the feedback on how the meds were working but I felt like I had the wind knocked out of me when I saw it. Here is the Cliff-notes version (oh and now you will see where my time line idea came from):

9:15am – off to a bad start, climbing up radiator

9:20 – put feet up on teacher’s desk to block children from passing

9:30 – sat in every seat but his own

9:35 – scribbled in assignment book, blacking out the days section, rendering it unusable.

9:40 – kept picking up his supply box and dropping it until it exploded all over. Instead of picking up his supplies when told to, he began rolling around the floor

9:45 – School social worker called in to work with him during math. He managed to stay on task

10:45 – continued to act out once she left, walking around the room, pulling things off the shelf, every time his teacher told him to put them away and continue working, he found something else to do

Snack time was uneventful as he watched a 10 minute movie clip

11:30 – Class began making Mother’s Day gifts as Leon took the pieces a part and put glue all over everything and then refused to finish it.

Then he took the stamper off the teachers desk and began stamping everything – teacher removed the stamp

Then he started banging on the stapler on her desk – she removed the stapler

Then he grabbed her scissors and started snipping at the air – she removed the scissors

Then he walked away from her desk pulling all the papers off and throwing them to the ground

He then climbed the radiator and walked across it and messed up the snapcubes. All the while the teacher was trying to assist the other 25 children who needed help but could not get it because she was too busy taken things away from Leon.

Then he walked around the room touching everyone’s project moving their pieces around.

12:25 – Rec time followed by lunch, in the halls he had to touch everything he passed

Then came gym where we already know he wrote on te walls in pen.

I the hallway he had to be removed from the line and was told to sit on the bench, as soon as the teacher turned around he was standing on the bench

He did well in computer class till it was time to shut down. He protested by running across the room and jumping on the radiators again

He was very argumentative throughout the day and would not stop moving.

To quote the teacher “I don’t think this new medication has any effect on Leon, he is the same as he was in the beginning of school before you started the meds if not worse”

……….That night in speaking with his therapist we learned that the mood stabilizer usually takes 1 to 2 weeks to start working!!!! Oh HAIL NO!! No way is my child going to have to endure this (let alone that poor teacher of his or the rest of the class)

Wed 5/6 – Back on the stimulant, together with the mood stabilizer! He was described as being seemingly calmer from the moment he walked through the door by his teacher. He had a good day working nicely.

Thur 5/7– SPECIAL PERSON”S DAY — Yay, I’m a special person! What a gooood day. Leon picked me, to be his special person of the day. I got to go and sit in his class with him. The children each got to read a special note to each of their persons and got to do an activity with them. It was very cute!!! Leon had a good day!  We all had a good day.

Fri 5/8 – Leon had a toy he wasn’t supposed to have taken away by the principle. Then Leon tried to pull it out of her hands (not a good idea!) But other than that a good day. I was invited back at the end of the day for Mother’s Day Tea in class along with all the other moms it was very nice. I am sad I forgot my camera – they sang some really cute songs!!! Fridays are special to Leon because he gets to have playdates. He and his friend had a blast.

See…. I can recall some good too

Sat 5/9 –  This past weekend was very chaotic, we had lots going on from basement floods to cars not working (both of them) to dealing with Leon acting out. On Sat. Leon and Ron went shopping for my Mother’s Day gift, while on line, Leon became very interested in the trading cards. He repeatedly asked Ron to buy them for him, and Ron repeatedly said no. They had just purchased to new books for him and that was enough. As Leon continued to beg for the cards, Ron advised him that if he asked again the consequence would be having to walk back to the bookstore to return his books. Leon asked again, not once but twice and Ron continued to say no. On the way to the store exit (mall entrance) Ron noticed that Leon had a bulge in his pocket that wasn’t there before. So without accusing him he mentioned it to Leon and explained how wrong it is to steal and if there was something in his pocket that did not belong to him he might want to put it back. Ron wanted to give him the opportunity to correct himself, and believe me he gave him plenty!! When it was clear Leon was not going to put it back, Ron told him that if they left the store and he checked his pockets and found stolen property he would have to punish him by taking away his DSfor a whole month and that if he wanted to, he could go into the next aisle and take care of it before walking out the doors. Ron was sure that would work. You know what they say, “..don’t make any threats you don’t plan on following through on”. What Leon hasn’t quite realized yet is that we are follow-throughers!!! If we say it we will do it, whether we like it or not! And in this case, it’s NOT! Ron instantly regretted saying it and I definitely am not happy he said it… “ALL HAIL THE DS, ALL HAIL THE DS!”. Wouldn’t you know it Leon walked out of the store with a pocketful of stolen trading cards. Ron walked back in and put them on the shelf (although I would have much rather preferred he made Leon return them, but he did what he thought was best), then headed back to the bookstore. The whole walk over Leon did not say one word, until he stepped foot into the store. Boy did he have a major tantrum!!!! Poor Ron said there where 5 people in line in front of him before he got to the counter.  Can you imagine be one of those people, listening to a poor little kid crying and pleading please don’t return my books, I neeeed my books, don’t do it, don’t do it, no, no, no…. thinking just give your kid the damn books already!! In the evening there was some fibbing going on. something that seems to be a growing concern. It was also when the basement got flooded again 9second time in a week) by supposedly fixed broken washing machine. Leon was supposed to be in bed while Ron and I where bailing out the basement. Leon managed to sneak out of bed and watch TV. I didn’t make a big deal out of it, after all I can’t tell you how many times I did that as a kid and really there just wasn’t anymore fight left in me. Then later on we noticed that there weren’t as many cookies left in the container as there were before we went into the basement.” Hmmmmm, I wonder if Leon snucksome cookies”, Ron says. So I go investigate. I lean over Leon’s bad to give him a kiss, and I get a wiff of Chips Ahoy. I said “Ooohsomeone smells like chocolate chips, did you you sneak some cookies?”, “ummmm, yes”, “how come?, “well, because sometimes I just get hungry in the night”, so now I say, “okay, hand them over”, “hand what over?”, “the cookies you are still hiding”, “there aren’t any”, “oh yes there are, hand ’em over”, …he then says,”oh yeah, I forgot” and lifts his pillow up and there they are. crumbs and all -Aaaaarrrrrrggggghhhhhhh!

Sun 5/10 – Mother’s Day. What a nice day. Leon crawled into bed with me for a cuddle and to wish me a Happy Mother’s Day and gave me my gifts. I got two  books,  True Mom Confessionsfrom Ron, and a fill in the blank complete with drawings and coupons book from Leon. Both were very entertaining. Additionally I got to spend the day shopping (with Leon) while Ron cleaned the house  – BONUS!! Shopping with Leon went very nicely. Ron gave him a pep talk about it being MY day and to be on his very best behavior! It didn’t hurt that I bribed him. I told him he could earn back the books he had to return. It was very nice. In the evening Ron’s family and mine met for Hibachi dinner at a new place that just opened around the corner. I must say I really love Hibachi! Leon was very restless. He had gotten his books and was up to his usual shenanigans. First he grabbed a fistful of toothpicks from the front. When I took them from him he said “but I need them to trap mice”,  yeah well I really hope there aren’t any mice in the brand new 10 day old restaurant! Next, some how he managed to get a hold of at least half a dozen chopsticks (you would think I don’t watch my own child, but really I do …he’s just really quick). But once he had them I just let him keep himself entertained with them. Yes, I know bad mommy, but it was Mother’s Day and I just didn’t feel like being a drill sergeant for once, I was quite content to let one of the other 11 people handle it. At one point Ron catches him trying to carve his name into the wood railing with a chop stick. If you know where and what to look for you can just make out his name in the scratches on the wood. I just don’t understand what is going on with this kid!!

During the previous week we went to our local SEPTA meeting to see Dr. Yellin speak on ADHD. I liked him and his websitealot! It’s what started me thinking about getting an assesment outside of the school. What I don’t like so much is the price tag ($3650 eeeek). But something has to be done. Things are escalating with him and we don’t know why. I feel there are issues here beyond just ADHD. In addition to seeing Dr. Yellin speak, I have also been in contact with Dr. Petrosky, who was recommended by my MiL’s doctor. He was leading a parent workshop, and MiL offered to pay for one of us to go. I did not want her wasting her money ($150pp)  if it wasn’t going to cover the info we needed, so I made a call to get some more info. Boy am I glad I did. This man was so nice and personable, he took time out of his Saturday to speak with me for over an hour, he went over what he would be covering, he also talked with me about Leon and his situation, he also does psychological assessments as well, and offered to look at what tests Leon had already taken so as to help bring the cost of an assessment down. As far as the workshop he also was kind enough to allow me to bring Ron with me at no extra charge. I really like this guy!

Mon 5/11 – Just another regular ordinary day… if a regular ordinary day includes your son hiding under a seat on the school bus and refusing to get off? Yup just an ordinary day … I went to the bus stop to get Leon and heard a bunch of kids calling out that Leon was refusing to get off the bus and was hiding under his seat. What!!! He did eventually get off and when I asked why he didn’t want to get off the bus he said, “because I want to go on a playdate”. It’s his teacher, calling to let me know that Leon tried to sneak on to a bus other than his own. The teacher in the bus room realized that she did not recognize him and asked him where he was supposed to be. He very convincingly insisted that he was supposed to go home on the bus with his friend Rohit because they had a playdate. He was walked back to his teacher to find out the truth. She said, “absolutely not, he needs to be on his own bus”, so they sent him back he then tried to convince them that we had moved and I forgot to write a note, so he really did need to get on another bus. That’s my smart-ass kid for ya. I told the teacher I would handle it and we said goodnight. As for Leon, since Ron already took away his DS for the month, I was left with just a few options, I grounded him to his room and took away any remaining screen time (comp,TV, other handhelds).

Up to this point things were difficult to say the least. It was hard to see Leon go through all this crap, it was hard to deal with the lying, and to understand why he would steal even after given a chance to rectfy it. It was just one thing piling up on top of another. It was difficult to deal with for sure!!!

Then came Tuesday, the day I started writing this post (today is not Tuesday, it’s Saturday,it’s taken me 4 days to get it all out with all that’s happened). Tuesday was the day my panic attacks started having panic attacks. Tuesday was the day that anything could have happened to my poor child. Tuesday, the day that panic, anger, shock, fear, confusion, bewilderment, stress, and relief hit me all at once.

For my friends out there, who found out what had happened I am sorry that I just could not talk about it anymore. As shocking as it was, it’s not surprising that everyone wants to know what happened and that the response to it would be fierce. But there was no simple way to say it without it leading to more and more questions, and more and more conversation. And the more I talked about it and had to rehash the story the tighter my chest got, the shallower I could breath, the more rushed my words got the sooner I felt dizzy and faint, the more I thought about the what ifs the more intensely my head hurt. To the point that I just could not talk about it anymore. Over the course of the 2 days that followed the firestorm of calls and conversations about it was just too much for me and I finally broke down completely on Thursday. So that is why I am posting it here, fears and tears and all, so I don’t need to retell it over and over again. And it’s okay to comment and ask any questions you want, although it’s taken 4 days to get to the crux of my post, I have found that getting it all out in print is very cathartic. 

Continued on Blogging it out!! (Part 2) – The day the school lost my son

 

HYPER-EVERYTHING

As a mother it is so hard to see any child suffer, but when it’s your own, it rips your heart out. I just can’t stand how hard things are for my little boy because of his ADHD. He does and feels everything to the tenth degree. To simply say he is a “hyper” kid does not cut it. He is HYPER-EVERYTHING, …hyper active, hyper energetic, hyper sensitive, hyper emotional, hyper talkative, hyper anxious, hyper impulsive, hyper focused, hyper-everything. While he keeps on going like the energizer bunny everyone around him gets drained of energy just watching him. ADHD does not just effect the person who has it but everyone in his life.

My child wakes up hyper energetic. He jumps around the house like a jumping bean from the moment he opens his eyes in the morning until he finally closes them at night. We have to give him Melatonin at night to help him fall asleep.  The mornings and the late afternoon/evenings are the most difficult times of day for me. I have to remind myself to keep up with him and the special accommodations that we have to make for his disability. It is physically, mentally, and emotionally draining to have to constantly keep oneself in check. For him, it’s hard to say what the most difficult time of the day is, because he is in school and I don’t see what goes on during the day. But I do hear about it occasionally. I say occasionally, because as talkative as he is, he isn’t very informative when it comes to talking about his day. I get updates at the end of the week from his teacher in a communication journal and then there is the occasional phone call from the school reporting on some kind of behavioral issue. I would have to say that he has the most difficult time in the morning but I am afraid that the reality is his difficulties don’t stop there.

I’ve been having anxiety attacks for a while now and just in the past 2 weeks, I have had terribly painful acid reflux (or an ulcer)  and I think it has weakened me quite a bit. That is why this past 2 weeks has been especially tough on both of us, my emotional and mental defences have been down. The difficulties of dealing with some of Leon’s behaviors especially in the mornings have left me completely drained, and somewhat defeated and I believe he senses that. It fuels him on, not because he wants to get my goat but because I am not there (as a whole person) to help direct him.

Last week was filled with breakdowns followed by tears, not mine, but his. And that hurts me immensely. Why must his life be so difficult? Why must he be so hyper-everything. Why has God challenged him/us in this way? Lately, just getting him ready and out the door to catch the bus on time in the mornings has been a huge battle. One I have had to fight on my own, because Ron is on his way to work by 8am. Leon has been very defiant and strong willed as of late, more so than usual.  I just don’t know what to do with him.

The Monday before last there was huge drama over him bringing a rock from his collection of rocks (random pieces that catch his eye when we are out) to school. I am pretty sure that it is not a good idea for anyone to bring rocks to school, but I am positive it isn’t a good idea for Super Hyper-Boy to take any. When I explained that rocks were not allowed in school he yelled “FINE!” and stormed off to his room. He emerged wrapped up in his jacket. I knew something was amiss. I asked him to give me a hug, and he leaned into me with a shoulder. I told him to use his arms, when he did, out fell the huge rock he was trying to smuggle out from under his coat. I confiscated the rock and the yelling began, his not mine, not yet anyway. I told him to go to his room until he changed his attitude. After some tears he emerged from his room again with an apology. I go to hug him and he backs away slightly. Hmmmm. I get closer and I hug him, I also put my hands in his bulging pockets and pull out two rocks. Again I confiscate them and explain that rocks are not allowed in school. He insists they are with tears flowing from his eyes, he tells me he just wants to show them to his class for science. I tell him to get permission from his teacher first and then I will allow it. He doesn’t hear me. Not at all. he is way to hyper focused on taking these rocks today and no other day. I am now frustrated, the tone in my voice is not a nice one. It’s time to go to the bus stop so I order him to get his things (shoes, backpack) while I get my shoes on. We walk out the front door and I look him in the eye and I say “You didn’t try to sneak any more rocks out now, did you?”. The way he said no led me to believe he was lying, so I checked his coat pockets again – nothing. Then I checked his jeans, there were rocks in all four pockets. He LIED to me. Now I was yelling, “How many times do I have to tell you you can’t bring them to school?” “That’s it now you have lost your entire rock collection, I am taking them all away”  More tears, lots of tears, the kind that won’t stop till they stop on there own. Ugh! I feel so defeated, he has to get on the bus, what am I supposed to do with him. Now he is hyper focused on just getting to bring something, anything. He begged me to let him go back in and get a small toy, something for Stitch (his stuffed animal that goes to school with him) to play with. I knew that if I didn’t give in the tears would not stop. So I did.

Each morning, for the rest of the week was similar in that there was always an outburst of some kind ending in tears and/or frustration. each morning it was something new, things I blame myself for. Like, I left the popcorn seasoning salt out over night on the table near the couch, I should know better. in the morning I walked in the living room to find it sprinkled all over the table and couch. Or the time I forgot to put the permanent marker away and he wrote all over his breakfast tray. Again i should know better. So should he, and he does, but when his impulses take control, all reason flies out the window. The afternoons were no better. He fought me on everything. From  doing his homework to  going to Karate (Don’t get me started on the Karate thing – twice a week, I have to spend more time arguing and convincing him to go to class than he actually spends in the class), to what was for dinner.

That  Thursday I get a call from his teacher informing me that Leon had been having trouble at lunch time for the last few days and therefore he would be having lunch in the principle’s office on the next day.  I speak to the principle to get the details and find out that he punched a girl in the back as she was walking away from him because she didn’t let him join “the club” (it was an all girls club mind you) and she did not let him see her magazine. He also kicked a boy in the shins on the day before and he tried to smuggle rocks and dirt that he found outside in the playground into the cafeteria in his pockets. When the lunch aides and teachers tried to get him to get rid of them he became very defiant, yelling and screaming at them. So she had invited him to sit in her office for lunch. Ugh, what am I going to do with this kid?

Friday he got off the bus, head down. I knew he had had another bad day at school. He tells me that the principle told him that if this behavior keeps up he will be sent home for lunch.  NO WAY!!!  He didn’t like eating in the principle’s office. Well, No Duh! He also told me that he got in trouble for screaming at another boy that wanted his turn at the computer. We talked it over a bit. Then he pulled out his report card. Academically, my kid is amazing, straight A’s (4’s actually) and above grade level. However behaviorally we were looking at 1s and 2s (Ds and Cs). He has shown improvement in alot of areas, but he also went down in a few too. Leon tends to focus on the bad and gets overly sensitive about it. Ron and I make it a point to focus only on the good, but try not to ignore the bad completely. As a reward for all the effort he has put in I allowed him to pick out a toy at the store and then we met up with Daddy and went to see Monsters vs. Aliens. It turned out to be a very nice evening. Leon was very calm and co-operative. No tears and lots of hugs.

The following day, last Saturday, he had a Belt Test to go to. I expected a fight but there was none. He was excited to test for his half orange belt, and to have his Omi (my mom) and his Tante Jenn (my sister) come watch. He did us and himself proud. imgp3327

Afterwards we all went out to lunch to celebrate his achievement followed by shopping with my mom. Something Leon loves to do because she spoils him. When we got home Leon reminded us of a promise we had made him about getting his belt. All week, to get him out the door to class i promised him that when he got his next belt we could go to the movies. Leon explained that the night before did not count because that movie was for his report card not for getting his belt. It was clear that Leon needed some time with Mommy and Daddy so we agreed and went to another movie. On Sunday, Leon was so good and well behaved. it truly turned out to be a wonderful weekend.

On Monday he got up and got out of the house with only a minimal struggle. Tuesday and Wednesday we butted heads again, add to the usual shinanagans the fact that I was experiancing a surge of hormones at this particular time (if you get my drift).  Wednesday I get another call from the school. NOW WHAT? It was the school social worker calling me a t 3:30pm to inform me that Leon got into an argument with a girl at school and threw a ball at her head (hard) during recess and when he returned to class he was so upset with himself that he used two pencils to poke holes in his shirt and rip a huge 10 inch hole into it. He had to turn it around and wear it backwards. The principle just wanted me to know so I would not be shocked when he got off the bus. I hang up the phone and now it was my turn for tears, I just don’t know what to do with him! I just feel so overwhelmed I don’t know what to do. I remind myself to stay calm, no yelling, I have 5 minutes to get right with this before he gets off that bus.

And there it is the bus, I see him coming down the aisle towards the stairs as the little red head from across the street yells out “mommy, Leon pushed me, he pushed me”. Oh just great, now I have to deal with my nutty neighbor (and by nutty I mean Coo coo for cocoa puffs, socially inept, nosey, gotta know everyones business, nutty neighbor, – suffice it to say we don’t get along with her, no one does)    He rushes past me and straight in the house yelling I did not , you pushed me.  I run after him and catch him before he gets to his room. He pulls away saying, “I have to change my clothes, let me go”. I tell him that I would like to talk to him first and I ask about his day. He doesn’t want to tell me “cuz you’ll get mad at me again”, I slip his coat off him while he is talking and see a huge gaping hole in his tshirt. “wow, what happened here?” I ask. He tells me that ‘P’ made him mad so he threw a ball at her and ripped his shirt. Eh? Turns out ‘P’ (his crush) told him that she did not like him and walked away from him and that’s when he threw the ball at her. I said ” I’m guessing that hurt your feelings when she said that” He said “yeah mom, because I am always nice to her and I don’t know why she doesn’t like me” (My heart breaks for him). I asked, ” Is that why you threw the ball, you wanted to hurt her back? ” , He says “yes” and I say “well the trouble with that is sometimes you just have to let go of it, otherwise someone hurts you, then you hurt them back ,then they hurt you again, and you hurt them back, and it just keeps going till someone gets really hurt”, his answer was ” yeah just like with ‘J”, he kicked me, so I kicked him, then he kicked, me then I kicked him, then he kicked me, then I kicked him really hard and he cried” , “why was he kicking you?”, “He was just trying to be mean and getting everyone to look at me and pulling my coat down to show them the hole in my shirt and I didn’t want anyone to see it”  (my heart breaks even more). We talk some more about what happened and then I ask about the redhead girl. He says “mom, i really didn’t push her she pushed me”, “I tried to sit next to her on the bus and she pushed me in the aisle” When I asked what he did next, he said ” I just went to another seat”.  And I believe him. We talked, we hugged, I locked myself in my room and cried, and then we got ready for the next wave.

Sometimes there is just so much to handle. I look at him and I think…  Leon, Leon, what am I going to do with you?

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And then I look into those beautiful blue eyes and I know exactly what to do with my Hyper-everything boy. I am going to love him with everything I’ve got!!!!!

Practically Perfect in Every Way! ….NOT

I am no Mary Poppins, I am flawed in many ways. I am spoiled by my husband, I am whiney when I don’t feel well, I curse when angry (that’s where the adult content comes in), I am a horrible speller, I talk too much, I can’t remember a thing, I am a terrible housekeeper, I am obsessive, and impulsive! I don’t always make the popular choice (not that that would matter much because I constantly change my mind), I am indecisive, I am stubborn.
….I am human, therefore flawed.

I have some good characteristics though too. I live and breathe for my family. My husband and son are my life. I am a terrific mother… really I am! Of that I am sure. I am proud of that fact. They say that in life you should do what you love and you will do it well. I love my son, I love being his mother, I love giving him all I have to give, I am a stay-at-home mom, that’s my life, my passion, and my #1 job. And I do my job well. I also enjoy being my husband’s wife although I am certainly flawed in that dept. as well. My husband is a much better husband than I am a wife. Although he does not so much as agree with me as he thinks I can be a “bitch” sometimes.
I suffer from FMS (Fibromyalgia) and quite probably ADHD. Early this year my son was diagnosed with ADHD, and through my trails and tribulations, and learning about this neurological disorder I am finding that many of the characteristics of ADHD also describe me and many of my experiances. It certainly explains a lot….

Mary Poppins, I am not.

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