Just call me Jiji

…me, just pretending to be me ….now, where did I put that cape??

Archive for the tag “ADHD”

What can you make with fishing line, crazy glue, and scissors?

Well, probably a lot of things. But what Leon made was a messy and chaotic morning!

English: A pair of kitchen scissors.

Ron has gotten plenty used to dealing with Leon in the mornings. While I sleep through it all.

But today woke up to Ron yelling and Leon screaming. From what I could make out, Leon was not staying on task and Ron was getting frustrated over …all of it(?).

So I stumbled out of the bedroom to see if I could give a hand. What I witnessed was Leon in all his …ADHDness! And Ron cleaning up after him with steam coming out of his ears!

I recognized this scenario right away, it is  the same one I deal with, when Leon gets home from school. But I also saw something else… a reminder. A reminder of what can happen when Leon is left up to his own devices. He really does need supervision when he isn’t at his best. Which translates to; when he is off meds.

My first question to no one in particular was, “has Leon had his meds yet?”

Ron answered “not yet!”, with a huff.

I sat down next to a very fidgety Leon and placed my hand on his shoulder, and reminded him to “Take a bite”, he did as I said as he yanked himself away from me. There was too much left on the table from the night before. I took a toy out of his hand, “BITE”, I reminded him again. He grabbed for the next closest thing as he took another bite. I held my hand out, and he knew to place it in my hand, which he did with a slap. It’s too early to correct his behavior right now, besides it would only escalate things. He started to reach for something else, but I got to it before he did; “take another bite”. “I AM!!!” he screamed.

I look at Ron and he answers my puzzled look with, “Did you leave out the fishing line last night?” as I watch him follow and collect the invisible string from all around the room, over chairs and in between chair legs and all around the table.

“I don’t think I did?” was my response. He tells me, “It is everywhere!”, he was NOT happy.

I grab Leon’s wrist as he tries to lunge for yet something else at the other end of the table, “EAT”, I say, and then, “Leon where did you get the fishing line?”

He  says “the drawer on your desk was open“.

I get up and check my desk drawer, which is indeed open and my eyes widen. I think, Oh Crap, and I say, “Leon what did you do with the glue?”, as I realize the lid had been removed from the container that I keep all my super strength glue hidden in.

“Nothing!” he says angrily, and then in response to my stern look, he said, “It doesn’t even work, it’s empty”. So I ask, “well what were you trying to glue?” and again in his angry voice he says, “Nothing, I was just trying to glue a bookmark into my book”, “but it didn’t even work the only thing that got glued was my fingers, but don’t worry I eventually got them unstuck.”;” Wow that must have been scary”, I said. His response was. “I was a little scared, ….at least now I know why they call it CRAZY glue”

I almost laughed, but I kept it in as I went into his room to survey it for any damage and I pick up the scissors on the floor. “so, what were you cutting?” I asked, as I looked for things with holes in it. When Leon gets a pair of scissors in his hands he loses all sence of reason. I worried that it was the bed sheets again or the clothes strewn across the floor. He casually said, “nothing, just my cards.”  I look on the floor, yep, there they were, all cut up into tiny little pieces.

I realize he is out of his seat and standing in his room with me, “Leon, did you finish your breakfast?” He runs back to the table, and starts to shovel the food in his mouth like a madman.

I should be correcting him, telling him to take smaller bites, and to sit in his seat instead of standing there leaning over the table. But I don’t, I just think to myself – eh, at least he’s staying in one place and eating. …and if he choke’s I am right here to do the Heimlich. Then I wonder to myself hmm, do I even now how to do the Heimlich?

Didn’t matter in the end. He was done in a flash and on his way.

I watched him, hop around on one foot and then another. He was worked up, but for no other reason than he just had to move. And move he did. And jump, and twist, and flail…

…and when I see him like this, I know, “he’s just getting his Flutterwackin on” ;

Yup it’s Leon in all his ADHDness, alright. And then some.

I try getting him back on track, and ready for school. He just lashes out! He’s angry, and frustrated, and the tears start to fall.

I get it. He feels like we are on top of him, smothering him, trying to control every action he makes… and the truth is, we are. We are because we have to. We are because if we don’t, it won’t get done. We are because at this very moment he just CAN’T. We are because it is a school day and we have to get him ready for his day, feed him, get him dressed, give him his meds and get him out the door and on the bus so he can have a good day at school. It sounds so simple but it’s not. It’s exhausting…. and a little sad.

The sadness comes after he’s gotten on the bus, it comes when all I can think is thank goodness that’s over (now I don’t have to deal with his ADHDness for at least another 7 hours).

The good thing is, neither does he or his teachers for that matter.

That’s when I realize it’s his teachers that always get to see him when he is at his very best.

After such an exhausting, stressful, anxiety provoking morning,that’s enough to make me jealous and then I think, Thank Goodness for weekends!

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Crap! I think I’m broken again

Well, it is that time of year again, I guess…

I’m screwing  up again and I just don’t have time for it. I want this new year to be a year of change for the better!! So I have a plan to implement.

Being that I just spent about 15 minutes in the arms of  Kiera, my almost 4-year-old  niece, crying as she stroked my hair and wiped away my tears. I’d say I’m not getting off to the best of starts.

Then again, if I am going to have a nervous break down, there is no better person to be around than a little angel. And she is an Angel. (it’s a plus when that little angel doesn’t get a scare when seeing her Tante  Jiji fall to pieces.)

I haven’t been sleeping regularly. My nights are getting  later and later (or earlier and earlier, depending on how you look at it). In the last week I’ve gotten to bed at 4:30am, 4am, 2-ish …I think (I was proud of myself  for that one, after all I managed to get to bed early that night.) Then it was 4am again, and 5:30am and last night/this morning I went to bed at 6:30am. It’s not healthy, I know. What I don’t know is why I am like this.

It’s as if my life runs on a different clock than everyone else’s, everything is backwards. My days, find me excessively tired and exhausted, and my body seems to work against me. I hurt physically, which  for the most part I am used to being a problem. My fibro flares are definitely worsening with each new episode as time goes on. I don’t know if it’s an age thing or a female thing or just the normal course fibro takes. Personally I am convinced that I have MS, but no one else is. So I guess I must be wrong.

Mentally I feel so freaking scattered, confused, and somewhat lost. My memory is getting so bad; …scary bad, like I am going nuts, bad. I can’t seem to string my thoughts together, let alone complete a normal sentence or have a clear conversation with someone. Even writing this right now has been difficult, it’s taken me over an hour to get this far. my thoughts and emotions are all over the place, They all want to come out but some how they are all scrambled and tangled and stuck in my brain and driving me mad. My words have been coming out of my mouth all wrong, I want to say one thing but something else completely unrelated comes out. It’s called something, when that happens, but I cant remember what it is right now (HA!, go figure)

 –Google Search– Aphasia! that’s the word, Aphasia. Do I have aphasia? Hell if I know. I am not sure of what it is exactly I haven’t really researched it. And it’s probably best if I don’t…. 😉

During the day I feel as if I am just getting through it, one wobbly step at a time. I occasionally have spurts of ambitious thoughts of productivity, but they  seem to get squashed once I try to do something about it. I get too physically tired, too easily and abandon whatever it is I am trying to accomplish. Nothing ever gets done… , not completely anyway.

One of my changes for a better new year includes changing my sleeping habits for a happier healthier me. So the plan is to get to sleep before midnight and not staying up all night long. It sounds easy right? But it is not!! And like I said I really just don’t know why I am not sleeping?

I don’t know why my brain feels all foggy and dull and dimwitted and sleepy all day. And I don’t know why it starts itself up and runs at full throttle at night. It’s as if the dimmer control on the light bulb in my head gets turned all the way down during the day and then gets turned all the way up late at night. It’s as if, my brain is at its most active and productive stages in the evenings. Seriously I feel like I am at my widest awake at night when everyone else is going to bed. AND sometimes I actually end up getting things done. Whether it be doing some writing, organizing files on the computer and backing them up, archiving my photography, and readying them for display, researching my medical and neurological problems, researching ADHD, etc, etc, etc. I am actually doing these things well into the morning. But that’s not to say that I don’t goof off at other times too. There ARE nights that I will promise myself that when Ron heads to bed I will follow, but then when he heads to bed, I just can’t, I don’t feel tired and I know I won’t be able to sleep. So I inevitably  decide to watch just one more show. If I am not feelin’ what’s on the DVR, I will find something on Instant Netflix that I am interested in watching. I if it’s a movie, I may get to bed as early as 2:30 or 3am; but if I land on a new TV series that I want to begin watching I may get so caught up in the cliff hangers, and poor me without an ounce of will-power, will end up having to watch the next episode ..and the next one …and the next one …and so on, and so on, and so on. That’s kind of how I ended up being up till 6:30am this morning (by the way “United States of Tara” – excellent show!!). I do want to add that my lack of will power wasn’t the only reason I was up so late last night. I just COULD NOT sleep. Even at 6:30am – I got into bed, and I just laid there and laid there. And I felt like I was exploding on the inside. All I wanted to do was GO TO SLEEP. The voice in my head would just scream “Sleep already, SLEEP!!!” But I couldn’t and I was just so frustrated and angry; really angry. It was freakin’ 6:30am and I just could NOT sleep.

…….eventually,  I did doze off and slept in until 10am.

So here I am now with only a few hours of sleep, and I am a total mess. The tears just keep rolling and they are not stopping!!! I just want to make them stop! They are giving me a headache that just gets worse and worse with every tear shed. Everything is making me cry. Everything and nothing. To top it off , I’ve got the crazies; my skin is crawling and I just want to rip it off, I am jittery and nauseous and dizzy. I keep pulling at my clothes and my hair, I can’t sit still, I keep jumping up to look for something, but I don’t know what I am looking for, so I sit and I cry while I write, then I get up again and I pace, and then I do it all over again. I am just so tired.

Right now I could sleep, right now in the light of day I could just sleep.  But I REFUSE!! I can’t! I won’t!! I am fighting it. My lids are heavy and they want to close, but if I let myself, how will I ever get back to a normal sleep schedule.

I have been puposely depriving myself  and withholding my naps. That is my strategy for turning  my clock back to the right time zone. And that is a biggie for me. I LOVE my naps. I NEED my naps!! Really I do, especially given my complications with Fibro and the excess tiredness and fatigue I am constantly suffering  from. Naps are a natural and necessary part of my ordinary day, even when I am on a more realistic sleep schedule. But for the last week I’ve held back on the mid day naps so my sleep schedule can match the rest of the world’s. So here I am with a bad case of the crazies; and the tears just keep falling.

Yup, I am broken all right!

Please don’t ask me why or what’s wrong. I don’t know the answer to that and it will only make me cry more. That’s what was so great about having a little angel around. She stroked my hair and wiped my tears and said ” It’s okay Jiji; it will all be okay”, ” I will stay with you and hold your hand and I will be your friend”, “And then Uncle Ron will come home and hold your hand, and he will be your friend too.”  

…Okay, okay, so that did make me blubber all over the place too! But those were good tears. Unfortunately my Angel was picked up early today and I am left here to go cuckoo all on my own. It’s probably for the best though. I am arranging for Leon to be on a playdate right after school too!

ARRRGGH! More tears ….and not so much, the good kind this time.

Where are these tears coming from? Like I said I don’t know exactly, but there are a whole slew of possibilities ..or even the combination of a few or all of them. Probably the later. Lemme see, I am sleep deprived; depressed; in physical pain; menstruating; I am self sabotaging myself; I have temporarily fallen off of my meds (and my rocker too it seems); I still feel over-whelmed by life – which is not part of my new year’s plan; I have too much to get started and I don’t know what comes first; I forget to eat until I remember and then I eat the worst stuff on earth (i.e.. A whole bag of chips for dinner) so I am probably malnourished; I can’t think straight; I have trouble staying awake during the day (even when I am on a good sleep schedule); and there has been such sad news going on all around me lately; and, and, and I am just broken, really, really broken.

An acquaintance’s husband died on Dec 23 with no warning, leaving a wife, a 7-year-old son and 3-year-old twins and barely any money to make ends meet. My close friends, Heather and Eddie are going through hell trying to get answers as to why their sweet little boy keeps ending up in the hospital, most recently being in the ICU throughout the Christmas/New Year’s holiday. My mom’s sister, my Tante Angela, died this past Monday. And just today I found out that a classmate’s, of Leon’s, mom died on New Years Eve. We had met while the boys were in pre-school, she was such a nice person and a great mom. I always have such a hard time hearing about young children losing a parent. So yes, life has been a bummer lately and the news has been really, really sad. And did I mention the whole I am menstruating and therefore I am more hormonal and cry-ee than my usual self thing?

So yeah, I think I am broken. It is definitely not the first time (and probably not my last). Today was just the day I SNAPPED!

…it has taken me all freakin’ day to write this; emotional outbursts in private and all; so I am taking my evening medication and some Tylenol PM and I am getting into bed now and I am going to pray for sleep, and a tear free day tomorrow. Good night.

Today was the day I snapped and tomorrow is the day I will begin again, to fix it.

Ahhh, just another ADHD conversation.

Me: Leon!!!! Why is there a bath towel STUFFED into the toilet bowl!!!!!!!

Leon: What, it’s not my fault! I dropped my glasses in there!

Me: !@#%@#!!!

Ahhh, just another ADHD conversation.

He's just lucky he's so damn beautiful

Nine Years Old and Already Breaking Hearts

A couple of days ago Leon came home from school and I could tell he wasn’t himself. Well not his, get off the bus and get the homework done right away, to get it out-of-the-way, so he can watch TV and play, self.

His ODD was in full force and rearing its ugly head. Everything was an argument or a fight, he asked for things he knew I would disagree to and then would have a huge fit when he would hear the word no. He lashed out, got fresh, and as a result he had to suffer the consequences of his actions. The consequences in this case being no video games for the rest of the day, including his newest addition to his collection; Skylanders.  He had just gotten it for his birthday the week before and was becoming obsessive about it. I felt he needed a break from it. Which he did. But the storm that came after that, resulted in a huge temper tantrum. There was yelling and crying, and screaming and runny noses, and soberly “i hate you’s”, and “i hate myself”, and “i just want to be left alone”, and screaming into pillows, and pinching and scratching at himself, and me grabbing a hold of him in my arms to cradle him and love him and keep him from physically hurting himself.

Phew! I see more and more of myself in this child every day! Memories and things long forgotten and tucked away in the far back of my mind. And now as I watch him go through so many of the things I went through in my own childhood (things that had made me feel “wrong”); and now to see him go through it, and not know how to deal with the intense emotions that come with it,  just kills me. I only hope that I can parlay my understanding and feelings to him based on what I have already gone through and cushion the blow even just a little. Let him know, he is NOT alone, there are others who understand, who get it, who have the same difficulties and differences.

This poor child carries the strain of always having to restrain and keep in check his natural ADHD impulses to do his own thing, his own way, while he is in school all day and for just long enough after school to get his homework done. The meds that he is on helps him to do that, and for all intense purposes work great, but some days are a bit more challenging than others. Sometimes the smallest monkey wrench puts a crimp in his day and throws him completely off course. It could be anything, maybe his schedule was unexpectedly interrupted, maybe he isn’t feeling well or maybe someone said or did something that he just can’t get off of his mind. What ever it is, it can cause the storm described above…

and below….

Leon: MOM! I am having a REALLY bad day! All I want is to come home and relax by playing my new game and you won’t even let me, And I am just really really stressed (pleading now, with tears running down his cheeks) PLEEEASE let me play with my Skylanders I just need to forget today happened!! Pleease!!! I DON’T WANT to go to fencing, I just want to RELAX!!! and I can’t do that if I can’t play my game!!

ME: (cradling my poor sobbing little boy whose trying desperately to sway me into changing my mind about taking away his video game privileges as a result of consequential behavior) I know you are upset, Leon. I am sorry that this hurts your feelings, but you know the rules if you get nasty with mommy you lose certain privileges and telling me you feel too sick to go fencing but just fine to play video games is not going to cut it.

Leon: I’m sooorrrrrry! I won’t do it again. Pllllllleeeeeeaaaassssseeee can I play my game. I had a bad day and besides I got some bad news at school and I am stressed about it! I just neeeeeeeeeed to playayayayay my GAME!

ME: What bad news? Do you want to tell me about it.

Leon: I just don’t want to talk about it OKAY!!! (screaming) Just let me PLAY!!!!!!

ME: eh, there is that tone again. (remaining as calm as any parent who just wants to strangle their beautiful child can)  Lets just try to stay calm and talk things out and we can see were we go from there.

Leon: If you knew this bad news you’d know why I am so stressed!

ME: So tell me about it

Leon: I don’t want to

ME: Okay you don’t have to tell me. But I am a little worried, can you tell me if it’s bad news about you?

Leon: no

ME: is a teacher involved?

Leon: no

Me: a friend?

Leon: yeah…

Me: did someone get hurt or sick?

Leon: no it’s not like that, it’s, it’s it’s just to horrible to say, I’ll write it down.

Me: (a little concerned now…. takes the folded up paper from his hand – reads his scribble and…..) (SMILE) Leon, is this what is upsetting you so much?

Leon: yes!

The note says: ” _________ has a crush on me! (It’s shocking!)”

ME: (inner voice) AWWWWW how freaking cute!!!!!!!!! (outer voice) This is flattering news, it should make you feel good about yourself. _____ is a very nice girl and she obviously has good taste. Don’t look at this as a bad thing, think of it as a good thing. I thought you liked ______.

Leon: I do! but I don’t want a crush, I want a friend!!!!

ME: All you have to do is just tell her that.

We talked a bit more about how he came to this knowledge….

Leon: Her friend came and told me, and then _____ said she was too embarrassed to tell me herself.

ME: what did you say?

Leon: nothing, I just fainted!

Ah the complexities of a fourth grader.

Today he came home in all smiles, we talked a bit before my bronchitis sent me back to sleep and he had a very nice evening playing with his dad.

I had asked him if he had spoken to ______. 

Leon: yeah, I told her that I didn’t feel the same way about her, and I asked her if we could still be friends. and she said yes.

Alls well that ends well!

I just hope ______  is okay! I mean who can blame her? My kid has always been a looker…… 

and he is an AMAZING KID to boot.

SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!

You scream, I scream, we all screeeeeam…

That’s it nothing else, we all just scream

SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!!!!!!!!!

Back when I was young, about a million trillion years ago, I had a small group of people I hung  out with in high school, and  we had a brilliant way of dealing with stress.

We would get in the car and drive down to the beach at top speed with all the windows down
and just SCREAM at the top of our lungs.

I can’t tell you how good that felt!! It was amazing!!

I long for a good long scream

I NEED a good long scream!!!

Anyone want to go have a scream with me?????

{ Just FYI – This scream was brought to you by the letters N-O-T & H-A-P-P-Y  and is courtesy of my first impression of the new school psychologist – which is condescending, major-interuptus-not-listen-to-us, and blechy)

“I LOVE my Feral little child.”

Early in the morning through bleary eyes, I peer out across the sun lit room at my child, and a grin slowly forms on my lips as I think to myself;

I LOVE my Feral little child.”

Sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing only his PJ bottoms, with his fuzzy blanket draped around him like an animal skin of sorts, with his long, wild and crazy hair all messed up and draped over his shoulders; he really does look like a feral child!!

He looked back at me, and I fully expected him to say “Me Leon, You Mommy, Me hunt and gather food, You wait here.” instead I got “Mooooom, I am huuuuungreeeeeey!” To which I replied, “Me Mommy, me tired, go now, ask your father to forage for food”; his reply … “you’re weird!”

Yes, yes I am!

I later opened up my laptop to look up the meaning behind “feral child” , I wanted to be sure I was thinking of the right word. Wikipedia not only spit out the meaning, but provided a picture in example as well:

Oh look!! It’s a picture of my very own sweet child!

It looks just like him!!!  At least I think it does.

It’s fitting though, and not just because he looks like a feral child with his hair all tangled, and mussed up, going in all different directions. But also, because he is a wild child at heart. And I mean that in the best possible way.

He certainly dances to the beat of his own drummer. As I’ve often maintained, he is a strong-willed child with a mind of his own, and once it is made up there is no changing it.

Such as it is with his long luscious locks, which I am happy to say, we have learned to tame (somewhat anyway).

He made up his mind to grow his hair long just short of 2 years ago in January of 2010, I remember the date because I blogged about it here.

It was late in January when he came home all excited about doing the Math-a-thon to raise money for St Jude Children’s’ Hospital and helping other kids his own age, who were sick with cancer. It was on that day that he asked if he could donate his hair to the kids at St. Judes. When we told him he would have to have a lot more hair than what had just recently grown out from his mohawk, he said he didn’t mind at all.

Leon in Disney sporting his blue mohawk

Leon's Hair as it was the day he came home and declared he was donating his hair to a kid like him with cancer

I also told him that it would probably take him a few years before he would have enough to donate. It didn’t phase him one bit. Both Ron and I  were pretty proud of him for wanting to do this, but we also thought it would not last. Boy were we wrong. It’s been two years and he still has an inch or two more to grow before he can donate it. Despite being picked on and teased in summer camp, and consistently being called a  girl by strangers, he is more determined than ever to reach his goal.

We’ve come a long way….

   He is such a beautiful child, it is no wonder strangers call him a girl

In the end it will be so worth it. And that long hair suits him, it suits his personality. And yes he does occasionally look like a feral child, possibly raised by monkeys. It was after all just yesterday that I caught my wild little child in the act of standing on his chair in the pizzeria attempting to swing on the lamp that hung above his table. But no matter how wild my little child gets or looks, he will always be MY little wild child!

“I LOVE my Feral little child.”

I think I may be part Hedgehog

I just figured out something new in the world of; whatever the
frak is wrong with me.

When I get agitated, frustrated, or upset my quills come out. At
least that’s what it feels like,

…only my quills aren’t fine little hairs that stand on end. My
quills are invisible and feel like really long sharp needles attached to nerve
endings that are slowly trying to make their way out from under my skin.

I know sounds horrible; imagine how it feels!

I’ve come to this conclusion based on the day’s activities and the
reaction it caused.

Hubby’s insurance plan is a real sucky one! We have a $2,400 detuctable
that we need to meet at the beginning of each year for our in-network service
plan. We are generally broke for the first 3 months of the year, because all
our money goes to the insurance company for all the meds Leon and I take on a
daily basis.

Well if that isn’t bad enough, our insurance plan demands another
$2,4oo for any Out-of-Network services. So why don’t we stay in network?
Because we can’t find a damn In-network doctor to see us. And by us I mean Leon
and I.

Leon needs a therapist, as well as a social skills group. I have
found two doctors that come very highly recommended, BUT… they are of course
Out-of-Network. Then there is me. Woe is me.

At my doctor visit yesterday with my primary care doctor, I was
advised to seek psychiatric care…. oh and here is a new prescription for even
more meds. In case anyone is keeping score that’s 10 pills a day. As my friend
Kim said “my mom doesn’t even take that many”

It’s frustrating; however, the advice isn’t wrong. I think getting
psychiatric help would be a plus, providing I can find one that I am
comfortable with. I think I definitely do need to speak with a therapist to
help me untangle this life that seems to have gotten completely out of control,
and if that person can also help me reduce the amount of medication I am taking
that would be excellent.

So today I printed out the list of in-network doctors that are in
a 10 mile radius. I was on a roll, and getting things done today. I was pretty
proud of myself for not putting it off. It was time to do some research, I hate
the idea of randomly picking out a doctor that is going to be picking my brain
and telling me who I am, from a list. I much prefer to have a recommendation
from a friend or a referral from a doctor. Unfortunately I am the only crazy
person among my friends so no help there, and as for doctor referrals… well
let’s just say that apparently none of the “good” doctors take my
insurance. So it was between me and the computer to decide who I would choose. Unfortunately
the computer was no help AT ALL! I was hoping to find some reviews on the
doctors on the list to help me choose. Ummmm, Yea, No!

As the time passed and I hit road block after road block I got
more and more frustrated. I called doc after doc after doc, and I was getting
nowhere. Some numbers on the list where wrong, some were fax machines, some had
terribly rude receptionists, one receptionist asked me why I needed to see the
doctor, and when I said, “depression…….and some issues with ADHD, I
guess”; her response was, “Oh, he doesn’t treat that”

What? What the what? Okeeeee…. moving on. One only specialized
in substance abuse, another in geriatrics (I was too young, go figure), one
doctor whom I was actually able to find a review on, now practices two states
over; and then there was the one with whom I spoke to directly, and it wasn’t
until I gave him every last detail about me that he realized I was calling
about his practice in the county that I live in rather than a neighboring one.
Unfortunately he isn’t seeing new patients in my county. I also skipped around
on the list, picking and choosing friendly names. Silly, I know but the names
were all I had to go on and well, I don’t know how to say this without sounding
a bit prejudice, which I am soooo not, so I’ll just say it very plainly as, I
prefer the doctor with whom I am going to spend a lot of time communicating
with, to have english as their first language. No disrespect intended but if I
can’t understand the accent how can they help me? So I skipped quite a few
names until they were all that was left.

Four hours later, I still haven’t found a doctor and I am hurting
and uncomfortable and realizing that these weird pins and needles/prickling
thing was getting worse the more I agonized over finding a damn doctor. And it
isn’t just pins and needles, its worse; it’s like a million needles trying to
escape my body all at once. In my arms, my hands, my cheeks, my lips, and on
the back of my neck.

So yeah I think I may be part hedgehog. Don’t they get all sharp
and prickly when they are agitated??

Never Say Never…

On the weekends it can be hard to get Leon to spend time AWAY from his video games, but we try our best. He loves to draw, and will often spend time doing that while watching TV. It tends to add up to more screen time than Ron or I are comfortable with. But when the both of us are busy around the house trying to get things done; it is easier to just let him do his thing rather than have to stop what we are doing to make sure he is entertained and out of trouble 😉 .

This weekend we enjoyed the nice warm spring weather, and did manage to get him outdoors for a couple of hours on Saturday, but nothing engages his ADHD brain out there for more than a few minutes at a time. My guess is that there is just TOO MUCH going on around him that finding focus on just one thing is just not possible.

Sunday was beautiful too, but between my migraine and Ron’s aches and pains; none of us got out of the house. By late afternoon I was asleep in the bedroom with curtains drawn and a pillow on my head to drown out any sound or light. That left Ron to deal with Leon for the better part of the day. He actually managed to get Leon away from the screen machines, letting him know that he needed to find something else to do and it could not involve anything with a screen on it.

Leon was surprisingly compliant about it and grabbed a few books out of his room and began to read. Awesome!

He loves to read and likes all kinds of books; chapter books like Goosebumps, Choose Your Own Adventure Books like Journey Under the Sea, Graphic novels like Max Axiom Science Series, but mostly he like reference books like The Big Book of Knowledge from which he can learn all kinds of new and interesting facts. They are all great books!

After reading for a bit Leon brings in “The Big Book of Knowledge” to Ron; opened to pages 26 and 27

The Big Book of Knowledge – pages 26 & 27

 

He points out the passage pictured below and says “Umm, Dad? Is this True???” 

Ron reads it, and tells him, that yes it is true. To which Leon replies; “Sounds Gross!, I am NEVER going to do that!”

**Tee Hee – this kid cracks me up! **

Never say never kiddo… but do wait until you are at least 18 

…and IN LOVE!

Oh and USE A CONDOM!

Gettin’ my Creative Juices Flowin’

I have often heard;

“you are so talented, you should start a business”.

That would be WONDERFUL, I’d love to do that.

The question is; how? I have no business sense and the coin purse is empty. And you know the old adage; it takes money to make money.

And then, there is the lack of confidence in my talents

It’s not that I do not believe that I have any talent, it’s just that I feel there are people out there that are so much more talented than myself.

It doesn’t stop me from enjoying the creative process though. And sometimes I even impress myself with the outcome 🙂

My creative talents have included:

Drawing – it’s been a while, I did a lot of drawing as a child and in my teens. I have only recently taken it up again. I even tried some creative drawing on the computer to make some matching t-shirts for our trip to Disney;

Trip Planning – YES I definitely consider trip planning a creative talent!! And I do it well, especially when traveling with a highly sensory child with ADHD/ODD. Accommodations for travel require quite a bit of creativity. Like the badge I made for him to wear that clearly outlined the rules with a visual prompt.

Badge that "MICKEY" sent to Leon

Event Planning – like my DIY wedding where I made everything from the centerpieces to the floral arch to the ring box to the 150 hand-painted Champaign glasses I made to give as wedding favors to each of my guests.

The wedding arch

Close up

One of my centerpieces and a set of hand-painted champaign glass favors

Enough people told me that I should go into business selling my Glass Painting that I decided to give it a try.  I successfully sold a few pieces but in the end I wasn’t making enough money to cover the time, effort, and money it took to not only paint each piece , but then to pack everything up and transport them to a little craft fair, where I paid $60 for a table, only to sell a couple of pieces that maybe made me $40, and then have to pack it all back up and bring it back home. It just didn’t pay.

I also have helped to plan a few showers, my sister’s wedding, and quite a few themed birthday parties for kids. I love doing it. Especially the themey stuff

I was very proud of the School Bus cake I made on Leon's 1st Day of School

Leon’s 2nd Thomas Birthday Party  – he didn’t know how much I put into this party but I had fun doing it

I made one cake for the adults and little individual ones for each child

Leon’s 5th Pirate Birthday Party – yes my spoiled little child had 3 parties and 3 cakes

I hand-painted this shark to use as a game, it was fun as a photo prop too!

Leon’s 8th Lego Birthday Party;- this was a really fun party!

Lego Mini Marshmellow heads - real easy to make

Kiera’s 1st Ladybug Birthday

Ladybug Themed tutu I made for Kiera's 1st birthday

If I knew how, I would love to make money as an event planner.

Photography  – …is another talent I have. More specifically I have an eye for. Ron, often tells people that I am a photographer, and it bugs me, because I am SO NOT a photographer. I WISH I was, but at best I am a photo enthusiast. The difference being that although I thoroughly enjoy photography, and have an eye for capturing great shots; I pretty much have no education in photography at all.

I can really relate to the guy in this Panasonic Lumix commercial:

..see it’s not me,  it’s my camera! (which btw is a Canon)

…plus some creative digital photo editing too.

Basically I am just winging it.

When Leon was born, my love for photography grew, and my need to share it grew too. I started showcasing my photos on my smugmug website for all my friends and family to see.

First time using a spoon

(btw -gardening is NOT one of my talents)

As a result I was asked by two different sets of friends to photograph their weddings. Of course I said yes, it was an honor to be asked. I never expected to be paid, but when one of the couples thanked me with $1000.oo check , it gave me the confidence to try to make some money doing what I loved.

I got a few jobs and made some money, but most of my jobs were for friends and I had a hard time charging them, so that didn’t last too long. I also  needed better equipment in order for my photography to live up to my own standards.

In general I don’t know that I am so much talented as I am creative and crafty

And recently I have been inspired to try a new craft;

I was honored when my sister -in-law asked me if I could make a few things for her wedding. She pointed me in the direction of Etsy.com where she had seen a few things she had really liked. I was already familiar with Etsy, but I had never really perused the wedding category. One of the things she had pointed out to me, started to get my creative juices flowin again. It was something that I have tried my hand at before, but I didn’t really feel that there was a big demand for it. But with the trend of weddings being a bit more green, the rustic look of woodburning seems to have become a bit more popular.

Woodburning – is now a talent I am trying to cultivate. And I am really enjoying it. And who knows maybe I can even sell a few pieces on Etsy….

This is just a practice piece - but it gives you an idea of what I am going for

Besides what else is there for this SAHM to do?…uh, besides taking care of an ADHD child, managing my Fibro, keeping track of $800/month medicines, PTA volunteering, School Newspaper editor and author, caring for my 3 year old niece, plan playdates, etc.., etc…, etc…                            …oh yeah and maintain this blog.

And the WINNER for My Dumb-Ass Move of the Week goes to …

Shoveling Snow!!

Well I wasn’t so much shoveling snow as I was moving it around.

We had 15inches of snow on the ground yesterday when all was said and done. It was quite a beautiful site to wake up too (see previous post)

Poor Leon had a snow day and was stuck at home ALONE with his dear old mom. That would be me – Dear and Old… among other things, like in pain and overly fatigued.

 

We spent the morning playing the Wii (well he played, I got to watch) and watching “Back to the Future”. By 11am I felt we had had enough screen time, I wanted him to go out and get some fresh air, play in the snow a bit, get some much needed vitamin D. But he just kept saying he rather stay in and play Lego. I didn’t argue it, since I had kept him home sick the day before (stomach bug).

Every so often I would remind him of how much snow was out there, and all the cool things, that he could build with it. He finally admitted that he wanted to go out but he was waiting for Daddy to come home first.

I explained that, he doesn’t get home till after 6pm and that it would be too cold and too late to go out then.  He then said “Oh okay, I’ll go out now, but it’s nicer to be out there with someone, and I didn’t want to ask you”, then he added “Well, not because I don’t want you with me; but because I don’t want you to have more hurt from the cold”

I cried inside when he said that. It’s times like that, that I really just hate myself for having fibro; and I hate that I didn’t push harder to have another child (which can also be blamed on fibro). FIBRO SUCKS!!

I told him that I would be okay and I went outside with him (I lied).

When Leon saw the neighbors having a play date with each other across the street he asked if we could invite them over to our yard. I said yes of course but I was sure they would say no. Not because they are mean kids or anything remotely like that, quite the opposite. But because, aside from the fact that they already had their own fort well under way, I think they know Leon well enough to know that he has his own way of doing things and often has his own agenda and doesn’t always compromise so well.

Leon took it in stride and just asked me to call another neighbor, which I did just to appease him, knowing they would decline too. For no other reason than they are girls after my own heart – they do not like snow. Again Leon took it in stride, and asked me to call a classmate, and then someone else, and then someone else, down the line.  You see, Leon does better one on one, rather than in a group and even then sometimes he isn’t necessarily looking for one particular person to play with; he just wants another warm body around.  –That’s a little sad don’t you think? How do I fix that???

I know a few of his classmates that I could have called, that would probably have come by, but the truth is I really didn’t want a play date at our house. I was feeling lousy and I suffer from CHAOS (Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome) because I can’t pull myself together to clean up around here. I didn’t want to see anyone, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and I certainly didn’t want to have to change out of my snuggle pajamas and give up my blanket with sleeves. Having the neighborhood kids over is one thing because once they were done playing outside, I could just send them back across the street. But having a classmate who needs to be driven over, in tales a bit more work and planning. I just was not up for it.

Leon hates to be alone; he always needs someone in the room with him. He would rather read a book in the same room with someone rather than play with his toys alone in his room. The closest we get to him playing in his room on his own is if we are in the adjacent computer room; and even then, he will move whatever it is he is playing with into the doorway so he can be nearer.

I felt bad for him; even though I knew he was fine out there on his own. But the mommy-guilt got the better of me.

So there I was shoveling snow into huge piles for him to make a fort out of, fully equipped with snow slide. The snow was very heavy and there was tons of it. It was definitely my dumb-ass move of the week given how bad of a Fibro-flare I am having, especially when considering the fact that it is the snowy weather that is triggering this never-ending flare-up. Today I am paying for it big time!!!

It was a mistake, one that I knew I was making at the time I was making it.

So why do it?

This is why……

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The things we do for our kids!

HAPPY New Year!?!???

Well, I had to say it, didn’t I? This is after all my first post of 2011.

Thing is I’m not feeling’ so Happy New Yearish at the moment. It’s part of why it’s taken me this long to post something. It’s not that there haven’t been any happy occasions, events, or news to post about; there have actually, and I want to share them, especially because some very good things have been happening with Leon; it’s just that, well, I am just too damn tired (and in pain) to even think clearly. And not the I just have so much to do tired either. It’s more like the, just walking from the couch to the bathroom and back has me feeling like all my energy just drained out of me and I can’t move, type of tired.

There is no doubt about it; this winter is really messing with my fibro BIG TIME. Mother Nature and Jack Frost have teamed up to kick my butt!

Here is today’s forecast from the National Weather Center:

Winter Storm Warning

  • Statement as of 9:52 PM EST on January 26, 2011
    … Winter Storm Warning remains in effect until 6 am EST
    Thursday…A Winter Storm Warning remains in effect until 6 am EST Thursday.

* Locations… portions of northeast New Jersey… New York City
and southern Long Island.

* Hazards… heavy snow.

* Accumulations… 8 to 14 inches of snow… with locally higher
amounts possible.

* Winds… north winds of 10 to 20 mph with gusts up to 30 mph are
expected across New York City and northeast New Jersey.

* Timing… a wintry mix of snow… sleet… and freezing rain…
becoming a moderate to heavy snow this evening… and a heavy
snow overnight. Up to a quarter of an inch of ice this evening.

Special Weather Statement

    • Statement as of 1:13 am EST on January 27, 2011
      … Heavy snow will impact Bergen… Bronx… Essex… Fairfield…
      Hudson… Kings (Brooklyn)… Middlesex… Nassau… New Haven… New York
      (Manhattan)… Passaic… Queens… Richmond (Staten Island)…
      Rockland… Suffolk… Union… Westchester and western New London
      counties…At 1257 am EST… National Weather Service Doppler radar was tracking
      a wide band of heavy snow extending from northern Connecticut
      through Long Island and New York City.

Snowfall rates within this band are between 2 to 3 inches per
hour… but could be as high as 4 inches per hour in the heaviest
portions of the band in Nassau… western Suffolk… New Haven and
Middlesex counties.

In addition… gusty winds between 20 and 30 mph with occasional
gusts up to 35 mph will occur causing blowing and drifting
snow….and reducing visibilities to 1/2 mile or less.

Motorists should exercise extreme caution.

A Winter Storm Warning remains in effect for the area.

We’ve already had so many storms so far this New Year that I’ve lost count at this point and it’s only January.  These storms have been so frequent and so on top of each other, the effects of which are unbearable. It’s times like this that I am most aware of my Fibro …obviously!

Last week a friend got an up-close peak into my life with Fibro, when she stopped by to invite Leon and me over and found me curled up in a ball on the couch, with my head resting in Ron’s lap as I wept because the pain was that intense. I think it really took her by surprise. This invisible disability suddenly became visible.  Being the wonderful friend that she is, she took Leon so I didn’t have to worry about him seeing me like that.

I actually felt a bit embarrassed that she had seen me like that.

I know I should not be embarrassed by the situation but it is very rare for someone to see me with that bad of a flare-up, and in that much pain, and THAT vulnerable.

Not that I haven’t had flare-ups before in front of people. It’s just that, well, it isn’t always so blatant. The pain is always there alright, and occasionally someone will comment or make a joke about me walking like a crumpled up old women before I can straighten myself up, but usually it will go unnoticed. But Friday’s flare-up, that was something all together different that was what I usually refer to as a “lost in the pain” flare-up. One that gets so bad that I feel completely lost and consumed in the pain.

And with this icy cold, snowy, storm-filled winter I feel like it is freezing me in time and incapacitating me to the point that I cannot even function in my own life right now. I have been out of commission since this year began.  As a result not only am I suffering but so is my family.

The all over joint pain, headaches, fatigue (serious fatigue), insomnia, and muscle weakness keep me from being able to do normal everyday things, including taking care of my family. The burden then falls on Ron; my dear and wonderful husband. So now his life has been turned upside down too.

Not only does Ron leave the house to work all day, but when he is home he has to take care of the things I can’t.

Much to my dismay and intense gratitude he gets up early with Leon every morning without waking me up. He knows that mornings have always been difficult for me, but right now they are even more so. My insomnia has kept me up till anywhere between 3am and 5am on a regular basis. I am thankful because waking up every morning at 7am and functioning on all cylinders is practically unheard of.  I just wish I could do more in the mornings so Ron could get ready for work stress free.

Ron has to get himself and Leon ready at a time when Leon’s ADHD is at its worst. There always tends to be a battle whether it is about taking a shower, eating his, breakfast or getting dressed for school. I usually wake up to one or the other’s yelling or a phone call telling me, my sister is on her way with my niece, whom I care for while my sister is at work. Although, too often this year I’ve had to send her to my mom’s instead.

As it is I am no longer caring for Nico (my friend’s son), but now my fibro is forcing me to give up more days with Kiera too, making money even scarcer.

While taking care of Kiera can be extremely draining, I at least can nap when I need to, while she does. I just can’t see that being included as a benefit in a real job 😉 , so while money is scarce, I am lucky that my sister needs my help. The major downside then falls to Leon and Ron again.

Generally while caring for Kiera or any child, one would think I could keep up with the house work since I am home anyway. Unfortunately that just isn’t always the case, and right now because of the intensity of my flare -up and especially because of how long it has been lasting, there just isn’t any relief long enough for me to catch up on my housefrau duties. It’s embarrassing!

What is worse, is that rather than let it all pile up, Ron jumps in and picks up the slack. It makes me feel so guilty, because I can see it is taking a toll on him.  The getting up with Leon, and battling him to get ready for school while preparing his breakfast and packing up his lunch, and sticking him on the bus; then he has his job to contend with; only to come home and have to contend with me, who is thoroughly exhausted and mostly immobile from the pain and Leon whose meds have worn off and is talking a mile a minute, bouncing off the furniture, and vary needy at this time of the day.

On my normal days, flare-up or not I would have at least pushed myself  to clean up after the day’s activities, get the dishes done, have Leon’s homework done, fed him and ready for bed by the time Ron got home so that he could at least enjoy himself with their ‘Daddy and Leon bedtime routine’. I’ll be honest, I rarely get all of that done, especially during flare-ups, but I do my very best and depending on the severity of the day I have gotten quite a bit of it done. But right now it’s as if my tush has been glued to either the couch or my bed. Basically I’ve been bedridden (or couch-ridden as it were) since the year began, and if the weather keeps up this way I don’t see it getting any better anytime soon.

I worry about the strain it puts on Ron. Add to that the struggles we face financially at the beginning of each year because of how our medical insurance is structured. Between Leon’s ADHD/ODD meds and my Fibro /ADD meds and our regular doctor visits, we have to come up with a lot of cash in a very short amount of time because we have a $2500.00 deductable to meet. That’s not an easy thing to do when living paycheck to paycheck. This is the time of year when our bills pile up. So on top of the strain my fibro puts on Ron he has this to deal with. Now add to it the fact that Ron’s car has died and can no longer be driven, so he has to use my van until we can afford a new car. At least with me pretty much being bed-ridden I can do without the van for now.

The guilt and the depression that comes with it weigh very heavily on me. I feel responsible for Ron’s stress, and I worry about his health.

So with all that, it hasn’t felt very Happy New Yearish   ….yet

As I said before there have been a few highlights to the year so far, involving Leon, so not all is lost.

But that will have to wait for another day.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Dear Santa,

 

Dear Santa,

I have been very, very good this year!

I spent much of my time this year helping out friends and family, planning weddings and parties, taking care of other people’s children and my own, being a personal shopper, researching everything from ADHD to Las Vegas weddings to Sensory Processing Disorder, driving my kid all over town to swimming, and guitar lessons, and cub scouts; correcting homework, volunteering in the PTA, and so, so, so much more.  So for Christmas this year I’d like to ask for a bit more time in each day to just regroup and take a moment just for me.

I also joined Jenny Craig this year and lost 40 lbs, and even though I gained back 10lbs of it, I think that’s still pretty good. So I would also like to ask for a bit more will-power so I can lose another 40+ lbs. And if you could manage it, some calorie free, fat free, soft serve ice cream that doesn’t taste like air or cost an arm and a leg would be GREAT!

But the thing I’d most like to see by the tree this Christmas, is my family happily thriving, and enjoying each other and this wonderful life that God has given us.  

                                                                               Love,

                                                                                   Jill xoxo

P.S. Do you prefer whole milk or skim with your cookies?  

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