Just call me Jiji

…me, just pretending to be me ….now, where did I put that cape??

Archive for the tag “Adult ADHD”

Nine Years Old and Already Breaking Hearts

A couple of days ago Leon came home from school and I could tell he wasn’t himself. Well not his, get off the bus and get the homework done right away, to get it out-of-the-way, so he can watch TV and play, self.

His ODD was in full force and rearing its ugly head. Everything was an argument or a fight, he asked for things he knew I would disagree to and then would have a huge fit when he would hear the word no. He lashed out, got fresh, and as a result he had to suffer the consequences of his actions. The consequences in this case being no video games for the rest of the day, including his newest addition to his collection; Skylanders.  He had just gotten it for his birthday the week before and was becoming obsessive about it. I felt he needed a break from it. Which he did. But the storm that came after that, resulted in a huge temper tantrum. There was yelling and crying, and screaming and runny noses, and soberly “i hate you’s”, and “i hate myself”, and “i just want to be left alone”, and screaming into pillows, and pinching and scratching at himself, and me grabbing a hold of him in my arms to cradle him and love him and keep him from physically hurting himself.

Phew! I see more and more of myself in this child every day! Memories and things long forgotten and tucked away in the far back of my mind. And now as I watch him go through so many of the things I went through in my own childhood (things that had made me feel “wrong”); and now to see him go through it, and not know how to deal with the intense emotions that come with it,  just kills me. I only hope that I can parlay my understanding and feelings to him based on what I have already gone through and cushion the blow even just a little. Let him know, he is NOT alone, there are others who understand, who get it, who have the same difficulties and differences.

This poor child carries the strain of always having to restrain and keep in check his natural ADHD impulses to do his own thing, his own way, while he is in school all day and for just long enough after school to get his homework done. The meds that he is on helps him to do that, and for all intense purposes work great, but some days are a bit more challenging than others. Sometimes the smallest monkey wrench puts a crimp in his day and throws him completely off course. It could be anything, maybe his schedule was unexpectedly interrupted, maybe he isn’t feeling well or maybe someone said or did something that he just can’t get off of his mind. What ever it is, it can cause the storm described above…

and below….

Leon: MOM! I am having a REALLY bad day! All I want is to come home and relax by playing my new game and you won’t even let me, And I am just really really stressed (pleading now, with tears running down his cheeks) PLEEEASE let me play with my Skylanders I just need to forget today happened!! Pleease!!! I DON’T WANT to go to fencing, I just want to RELAX!!! and I can’t do that if I can’t play my game!!

ME: (cradling my poor sobbing little boy whose trying desperately to sway me into changing my mind about taking away his video game privileges as a result of consequential behavior) I know you are upset, Leon. I am sorry that this hurts your feelings, but you know the rules if you get nasty with mommy you lose certain privileges and telling me you feel too sick to go fencing but just fine to play video games is not going to cut it.

Leon: I’m sooorrrrrry! I won’t do it again. Pllllllleeeeeeaaaassssseeee can I play my game. I had a bad day and besides I got some bad news at school and I am stressed about it! I just neeeeeeeeeed to playayayayay my GAME!

ME: What bad news? Do you want to tell me about it.

Leon: I just don’t want to talk about it OKAY!!! (screaming) Just let me PLAY!!!!!!

ME: eh, there is that tone again. (remaining as calm as any parent who just wants to strangle their beautiful child can)  Lets just try to stay calm and talk things out and we can see were we go from there.

Leon: If you knew this bad news you’d know why I am so stressed!

ME: So tell me about it

Leon: I don’t want to

ME: Okay you don’t have to tell me. But I am a little worried, can you tell me if it’s bad news about you?

Leon: no

ME: is a teacher involved?

Leon: no

Me: a friend?

Leon: yeah…

Me: did someone get hurt or sick?

Leon: no it’s not like that, it’s, it’s it’s just to horrible to say, I’ll write it down.

Me: (a little concerned now…. takes the folded up paper from his hand – reads his scribble and…..) (SMILE) Leon, is this what is upsetting you so much?

Leon: yes!

The note says: ” _________ has a crush on me! (It’s shocking!)”

ME: (inner voice) AWWWWW how freaking cute!!!!!!!!! (outer voice) This is flattering news, it should make you feel good about yourself. _____ is a very nice girl and she obviously has good taste. Don’t look at this as a bad thing, think of it as a good thing. I thought you liked ______.

Leon: I do! but I don’t want a crush, I want a friend!!!!

ME: All you have to do is just tell her that.

We talked a bit more about how he came to this knowledge….

Leon: Her friend came and told me, and then _____ said she was too embarrassed to tell me herself.

ME: what did you say?

Leon: nothing, I just fainted!

Ah the complexities of a fourth grader.

Today he came home in all smiles, we talked a bit before my bronchitis sent me back to sleep and he had a very nice evening playing with his dad.

I had asked him if he had spoken to ______. 

Leon: yeah, I told her that I didn’t feel the same way about her, and I asked her if we could still be friends. and she said yes.

Alls well that ends well!

I just hope ______  is okay! I mean who can blame her? My kid has always been a looker…… 

and he is an AMAZING KID to boot.

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What the voices in my head are screaming….

I think everyone has a little voice in their head, that whispers quiet thoughts that are just for them and dare not be spoken out loud.

At least I hope that’s true, otherwise it’s just me with a voice in my head.

…and in my case, I think there may be more than one voice.

I definitely think I have a voice that whispers quiet thoughts to me; telling me right from wrong, thinking one thing but advising me to say another to spare someones feelings or keep certain things protected and private.

But there is another voice in my head, a voice that has been sounding off since as far back as 12 or maybe even earlier.

When I was very young my lips would betray me and repeat out loud what that voice would say in my head. But in my defense, I didn’t know better, my selfcontrol of such things had not yet matured, and besides that voice was always the loudest. In fact it was a screamer.

I think I developed that voice from my mom. In more ways than just one.

My mom’s inner voice seemed to always be spoken outloud and unfiltered for everyone to hear. It became the example for me early on. So nI got that voice from my mom and because of my mom.

And to this day, that voice, “The Screamer”, the one that only responds to my mother still screams out in my head from time to time.

This morning was one of those times. This is what the voices in my head where SCREAMING, this morning during a conversation over the phone with my mom this morning about how forgetful I have been getting and therefore I must be addicted to pain medication:

“Ugh, I am NOT addicted to pain meds; I am too forgetful to be addicted to pain meds, I can’t even remember to take them”

“…I don’t care what Dr, Oz says… Dr. Oz does not even know me. And neither do Dr. Phil or Oprah for that matter!”

“…STOP SHOULDING ON ME!”

“…I’ve been like this my entire life!!”

“…Hellooooooo… I have Fibromyalgia  and ADHD”

“…There are TONS of things I should do”

“…would you look in the damn mirror, and stop projecting yourself on me”

“…one newspaper article and an episode of Dr. Phil, does NOT an expert make”

“…just because you gave birth to me does not mean you know me”

“…maybe I am just forgetful because I am too damn busy and stressed from helping everyone else that I don’t have time for my own life, let alone remember what is going on in it!”

“ARRRRRGGGGHHHHHH!

And then comes the quiet whisper;

Can you believe this woman is going to be 70!?!?

“…Aww,  just give her a break, this princess is going to be 70 in just a few months”

And more importantly;

“… I LOVE you, Mom!”

 

Edited to Add; My mom does not read my blog (hmm… she might know me better if she did) But, to those of you who do AND speak to my mom – Let’s just keep this between us more computer savvy people, okay?

LENNIE – this means you too 🙂

Cleaning my plate – part 3 ~Chaos!~

….continued from Cleaning my plate – part 2 

I have another appointment with my doctor in two weeks to discuss how things are going with the Lyrica. Hopefully all will be well and I can go ahead with my next concern, which is Adult ADHD. I really want to get a handle on it. I think the combo of ADHD and Fibro is really throwing me for a loop. And the fact that I am getting older isn’t helping either. It was pointed out to me by someone who has been diagnosed and is in treatment for Adult ADHD that, as women age, our hormone levels start to change and it effects our brain chemistry in such a way that the coping mechanisms that we’d developed through the years to help us adjust to life with ADD start to fail.

That was like another A-HA moment for me.

Given the bad winter and the constant fibro flare-ups I put a lot of blame in that direction, but the facts just maybe that ADHD is also to blame for these feelings of being broken and life falling apart on me all the time. I feel like this whole clean your plate thing is my way of getting my life back in order.

I am not the type of person who thinks a pill can solve every problem. But I’ve had to come to rely on medication for so much. I’ve seen the good, the bad, and the ugly side of medication in both myself and in my son. And when it comes to medication for ADHD, I’ve seen it work wonders for Leon. So that is the direction I want to take in treating my (so far self-diagnosed) ADHD.

 
 
Took a quiz and this was my result:
Serious ADHD Likely!
 

Of course I have developed a coping system over the years but lately I feel that it has broken down, so maybe there is something to the whole changing hormones/brain chemistry thing. 

In the meantime though, as I said I am looking to find new ways of dealing with what life throws at me so that I can make, not just my life: but my family’s (Leon’s in particular) lives more manageable and organized.

Structure is key for people with ADHD, I know I function much better with structure in my life, and so does Leon. I haven’t been able to give that to Leon lately, because I haven’t had it myself as of late.

Some of the things that need working on include:

Getting rid of the C.H.A.O.S …..aka Can’t Have Anyone Over Syndrome (cute huh – I borrowed that from Flylady.net). My house is always such a complete disaster that I am too embarrassed to ever have anyone over. And that includes playdates for Leon.

When he asks for a playdate, I really hate to say no, especially since it is pretty much a basic necessity for him given his need to improve his social skills. I hate it even more that my reason for saying no is because the house is a mess.

Clutter is a major cause of all the chaos in the house. We just have too much “stuff”. A lot of it we don’t need or even have room for.

I am always behind on paperwork, there is piles of it all over the place; a lot of which are projects I intend to get to,but don’t have the time for. Like scrap-booking my last 3 Disney vacations, digitally; or the plans I have to make a behavioral chart for Leon; or the binder of Leon’s ADHD/ODD Medical and Behavioral History. Much of this stuff ends up getting moved to boxes, that I refuse to put in the basement for fear I will forget about them.

I am also suffering from packus-ratus, I save EVERYTHING! Like memorabilia, collectors items, Tchotchkes, sentimental items, even empty boxes 😕 . unfortunately it is a trait that I have passed on to Leon. He has a collection of collections. They include; Thomas trains, Pixar CARS, Pokémon cards, Club Penguin Cards, Silly Bandz, Bakugan, Rocks, Snapple Caps, Magazines, Stitch toys, Tags, Gift Cards, Star Wars Lego’s, and yes, he also collects empty boxes and containers.

Then there’s the fact that it looks like a whole daycare center threw up all over my house.  All the baby items, (from clothes, to high chair, to bouncers and toys) that I had packed neatly away in the hopes of having a second child, can now be found in nearly every room in the house for use with my niece Kiera and my girlfriend’s baby, Nico; whom I babysit everyday.

I am sure I’ve said it before, but after a whole day of keeping the kids happy and busy while cleaning up after them all day, I am just way too exhausted by the end of the day to get everything picked up and put away properly. The end of my day is around 4pm when, all at once my son gets off the bus, yelling something about wanting a playdate, as he dashes by me to get his homework over with so he can move on to better things; while both my sister and my friend come simultaneously to gather up their kids and all that goes with them. I’ve got people coming and I’ve got people going and for some bizarre reason it is also the time of day that I get phone calls, usually from someone whose just wanting to chat (RON!). It is a very chaotic time of day. I just get soooo frazzled.

I just hate that feeling, and I am sure I am failing at trying to keep my composure for Leon, who should and needs to be able to come home to a calm, clutter-free, organized enviroment for him to be able to concentrate and complete his homework and shed the stress of always having to be “on” at school. 

My goal is to get rid of all the unnecessary stuff. And I’ve already started…

….more coming in Cleaning my plate – part 4

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