Just call me Jiji

…me, just pretending to be me ….now, where did I put that cape??

Archive for the tag “love”

“I LOVE my Feral little child.”

Early in the morning through bleary eyes, I peer out across the sun lit room at my child, and a grin slowly forms on my lips as I think to myself;

I LOVE my Feral little child.”

Sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing only his PJ bottoms, with his fuzzy blanket draped around him like an animal skin of sorts, with his long, wild and crazy hair all messed up and draped over his shoulders; he really does look like a feral child!!

He looked back at me, and I fully expected him to say “Me Leon, You Mommy, Me hunt and gather food, You wait here.” instead I got “Mooooom, I am huuuuungreeeeeey!” To which I replied, “Me Mommy, me tired, go now, ask your father to forage for food”; his reply … “you’re weird!”

Yes, yes I am!

I later opened up my laptop to look up the meaning behind “feral child” , I wanted to be sure I was thinking of the right word. Wikipedia not only spit out the meaning, but provided a picture in example as well:

Oh look!! It’s a picture of my very own sweet child!

It looks just like him!!!  At least I think it does.

It’s fitting though, and not just because he looks like a feral child with his hair all tangled, and mussed up, going in all different directions. But also, because he is a wild child at heart. And I mean that in the best possible way.

He certainly dances to the beat of his own drummer. As I’ve often maintained, he is a strong-willed child with a mind of his own, and once it is made up there is no changing it.

Such as it is with his long luscious locks, which I am happy to say, we have learned to tame (somewhat anyway).

He made up his mind to grow his hair long just short of 2 years ago in January of 2010, I remember the date because I blogged about it here.

It was late in January when he came home all excited about doing the Math-a-thon to raise money for St Jude Children’s’ Hospital and helping other kids his own age, who were sick with cancer. It was on that day that he asked if he could donate his hair to the kids at St. Judes. When we told him he would have to have a lot more hair than what had just recently grown out from his mohawk, he said he didn’t mind at all.

Leon in Disney sporting his blue mohawk

Leon's Hair as it was the day he came home and declared he was donating his hair to a kid like him with cancer

I also told him that it would probably take him a few years before he would have enough to donate. It didn’t phase him one bit. Both Ron and I  were pretty proud of him for wanting to do this, but we also thought it would not last. Boy were we wrong. It’s been two years and he still has an inch or two more to grow before he can donate it. Despite being picked on and teased in summer camp, and consistently being called a  girl by strangers, he is more determined than ever to reach his goal.

We’ve come a long way….

   He is such a beautiful child, it is no wonder strangers call him a girl

In the end it will be so worth it. And that long hair suits him, it suits his personality. And yes he does occasionally look like a feral child, possibly raised by monkeys. It was after all just yesterday that I caught my wild little child in the act of standing on his chair in the pizzeria attempting to swing on the lamp that hung above his table. But no matter how wild my little child gets or looks, he will always be MY little wild child!

“I LOVE my Feral little child.”

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I Nominate; My Superman

I recently found this on  ellen ;

Nominate the Amazing Person in Your Life…

Do you know an amazing person who could use Ellen’s help? We want to hear about them! Tell us all about the most deserving person you know, and how Ellen can rock their world. Maybe it’s a family member or spouse who always puts your needs before their own, a neighbor who has changed your community for the better, or even a teacher who goes above and beyond with your kids. This season, Ellen’s gonna keep giving back!
Read more: http://ellen.warnerbros.com/show/respond/?PlugID=433#ixzz1RH3DUlaq

So I decided to nominate My Superman!

Dear Ellen,

I love you and I love your show. You and your show always make my day! You are just so genuine, with a hugely generous nature. You have a way of making people feel comfortable and at ease; like spending time with a really good friend.

Well good friend, I’d like to share something with you about my family, about my husband in particular.

His name is Ron, he is a handsome devil, a smooth talker with an odd sense of humor, a sci-fi geek, who rocks my world, and keeps things balanced in our lives. And he is the most giving and amazing man I know. He always puts the needs of our family before his own.  When I met Ron, he became the man who renewed my faith in hope. In short he is my Superhero.

My family consists of Ron (39), myself (42), and our son, Leon (8)

We have a good life, NOT an easy one, but a good one, because we have each other. Things have always been tough on us financially, and we always seem to muddle through whatever life throws at us, either on our own or with help from our extended family. And for this we have always been truly grateful.

We all do our best to make the most of our lives. But no one works harder than my husband to provide and take care of our little family. I try and do my best too, but I have so many limitations, that I fear he often gets the short end of the stick.

Both my son and I suffer from disabilities that require regular doctor visits and a lot of very expensive medication between the both of us. My son has severe ADHD/ODD and I suffer from Fibromyalgia. We have a HUGE deductible on our medical insurance and given our individual medical needs it is necessary for us to come up with a LARGE sum of money in a very small amount of time at the beginning of each year. He barely makes enough money that we can usually get by living paycheck to paycheck with just enough left over to cover and enjoy the little things like the movies or Cub Scout fees for our son.  But when the big bills come in, that’s when we really struggle.

This year, so far, has really tested Ron’s limits.  Ron’s car died, and while we managed to get by with only one car for a few months we did eventually have to buy a second used car, which is already in need of repair.

In addition to our financial stress, Ron has had to take on additional parenting duties, above and beyond all the amazing things he already does with and for our son, due to the decline in my health this year.

No matter what comes our way, Ron does everything he can to make things right again. He really is a good man, and he puts his all into everything he does. As a husband he is just amazing, not only does he work hard in the office every day, but he comes home to take care of a majority of the household duties, when I can’t, due to my disability; and he still makes time to be a Den Leader in Leon’s Cub Scout troop and spend quality time with him.

Lately though, it seems as if life has really been testing Ron’s limits. My husband’s normally optimistic outlook on life seems to be dimming. Right now, Ron feels as if we just can’t get a break and that everything is getting thrown at him all at once and he just can’t get ahead. Some days I look at him and he just looks so terribly defeated, like someone had just drained him of all his energy. It kills me to see him this way.

This is a man who truly deserves a break. Not only is he an amazing husband and father but he is also a genuinely GOOD MAN!

Ellen, PLEASE help me make my husband’s life just a little bit easier.

Here we are at his sister’s wedding, which also happens to be our wedding anniversary. (I am the one with the pink hair 🙂 )

Me and my Superman!

EDITTED ON Jan 19th 2012 to add:

Hey Ellen,

Being that this IS your birthday-month; I wanted to share with you that May is my husband’s birthday month. In fact, this year he turns 40 on May 13, 2012.

You know incase the SWAGGIN WAGON is in NY around that time???

That’s a hint…. you know incase you didn’t catch it.

Love ya Ellen!!

And my Superman!!!

The truth about housework, sex, and fibromyalgia

I like sex. Most people like sex. Some people like it more than others and some don’t like it at all.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I am pretty sure that the majority of people tend to experience a more frequent and active sex life in their younger years.

As life goes on, it seems as if, frequency, activity levels, and even desire seem to fade.  Some even feel that, it is marriage that does it. I personally don’t think it is marriage that does it, it’s just plain ol’ life that get’s in the way. Too much work, too much stress, not enough time, not enough privacy (kids around), too tired, and for some folks like me, something like illness or disability can get in the way too.

Fibro flares have a number of different triggers. Physical activity and exerting one’s self is one of those triggers. And let’s face it if you are not physically exerting yourself in the bedroom then maybe you aren’t doing it right.

So suffice it to say that my fibromyalgia has the potential to ruin my love life.  In fact for a time it really did. With flare-ups and the exhaustion and pain that come with it, something always has to give. That is just a fact of fibromyalgia.

With fibro too many things get put to the back burner. Projects and activities I want to plan and do rarely get further than being just an idea in my addled brain. The energy to do the everyday things in life, like housecleaning or even personal maintenance has to be sparingly doled out. Too many things get pushed to the side, with the intention of getting to it eventually.

The time, attention, and affection we give to the people we love, should not be one of those things that get pushed aside, or put on the back burner. But because the people we love, know us so well, and are more understanding of our limitations they often bear the brunt of it.

At the beginning of this year Ron and I had a moment to sit back and talk about how much we missed each other. Which would not be so strange if it were not for the fact that we were the first and last person that each of us saw and spoke to each day.  What we missed was the physical attention we gave to one another.

Yes, we were talking about sex, but not just about sex. We also missed the little touches in between. The touch on the shoulder, the arm around the waist, the holding hands, the kisses and the occasional butt squeeze, and yes, the sex that many of those things could eventually lead too. Where did all those things go?

We had plenty of excuses; too stressed, no time, too tired, too busy, no energy, too many body aches, too much to do right now, too much to do tomorrow.

Granted these excuses fit anyone and everyone, fibro or no fibro. But unless you have a trapeze in your bedroom, how many people have to worry that a night of sexual activity might put them out of commission for the following day or two?

And that is without the trapeze in our bed room 😉

Our talk led to the promise we made to each other. Which was to make more of an effort to be more physically attentive with one another on a daily basis. To snuggle on the couch instead of sit at opposite ends of it, to kiss more often, and hold hands when our hands are free. To rest a hand on each other or give a little squeeze when then opportunity presented itself. And yes, to make time for sex, even if it has to be scheduled in.

So we’ve kept our promise. We have made more time for just the two of us. We have a monthly date night scheduled. And we  are a lot more physically attentive to one another, both in and out of the bedroom.

I’ve got to say, life is a lot sweeter and happier in the arms of the person I live and breathe for.

The only downside is that, the energy that goes into the physical activities in the bedroom tends to trigger a fibro flare in me.

And with fibro flares, something always has to give. Fibromyalgia could be riuining my sex/love life. but we REFUSE to let it!

So please excuse my filthy house; but if you had to make a choice between making love or housework, what would you choose? 🙂

…and so what, if I can’t function at 100% the next day or two, at least I have a smile on face,as I am trying to figure out how I am going to catch up with life that is still proceeding on with out me.

TMI????

My Valentine, My Superman

Happy Valentine’s Day to All!

….But especially to my husband and my son.

 
It is because of my husband and son,
that I am a heartless woman.
Ron has one half of my heart,
and Leon has the other half.
 
 

 

 

I fell in love with Ron almost immediately. Our blind date was part fairytale, part racy novel. We walked, we talked, we watched some videos (yes back then it was videos, not DVDs), we kissed, we talked for hours on end; with some more kissing in between, we felt sparks and acted upon them, we had brunch, we walked and talked some more on the beach, we went to a movie and he drove me home. We did all of that in one date; one very long first date – 36 hours to be exact. And we have been together ever since.

I started falling in love with him on that first date. A few days later, I told Andrea, the friend who had arranged our blind date, that I was going to marry this man. And I was not wrong.

I fell in love with him because he was a good kisser, a great listener, imaginative, smart, caring, passionate, sensitive, interesting, spontaneous and good (at a lot of things). And because he made me feel special.

After almost 11 years of marriage a lot has changed in our lives. But not the way I feel about him.  We’ve been married long enough to have had a few ups and downs, but through it all we have always loved one another. That is no surprise to me, it goes without saying; because I know deep within my heart and without a doubt that Ron was made especially for me.

What surprises me, and catches me off guard sometimes, is those moments when I fall in love with him all over again. If only because, I didn’t think our love could get any bigger.

It’s happening right now, in fact. Over the past couple of months I have watched him care for our son and for me like he never has had to before; and it has me falling in love with him all over again.

This self-proclaimed SuperMom has found her kryptonite. It is  the combination of record-breaking cold temperatures and snow with my fibromyalgia. It has kept me immobile and either on the couch or in my bed for months. I’ve had to reluctantly, and with much guilt and despair, hand over my title of SuperMom to him.

He’s had to become SuperDad. Not that he wasn’t a super dad before, but this winter; this New Year so far, can not, and has not been easy on him. In the wake of me having to check out for a while he has had to step up big time. And boy has he ever!

He has had to be the one to get up with Leon when I can’t get out of bed (and right now that’s been 9 times out of 10, instead of the other way around); he’s been the one to get him showered and dressed, make his breakfast, remembers to give him his meds and packs his lunch and then gets him on the bus in the morning. Then he goes off to work for eight hours. When he gets home I am no better than when my day started. It’s gone beyond the usual discomfort and/or pain which was bad enough already, but not only has the intensity of the pain increased but the fatigue and the loss of energy has me so incapacitated that I can barely participate in life right now. I know that the weather is a major contributor to this change in my life but I suspect that my age and my changing hormones might be messing me up too. What ever the reason, the result is has been less than desirable. Rather than Ron and I working to care for our family together: Ron has had to take on the brunt of the responsibilities in caring not only for Leon, but for me as well.

And while I feel lousy about all of this, I can’t help but feel as if I am falling in love with Ron all over again, and again, and again!

He’s not just my Valentine, He’s my Superman!!

 

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To All My Favorite M.O.M.M.’s

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY to all my favorite M.O.M.M.’s 

You are all; 

  • Makers
  • Of
  • Miracles and
  • Memories

You are all Super Women; who have touched me, taught me, inspired me, and helped to shape who I have been, who I am, and who I will become as a girl, a daughter, a woman, a friend, a wife, a mother and as a person! 

I dedicate this page to you; 

 

 

From SuburbanPediatrics.org : 

Attention “Super-Moms” It’s O.K. to…

 

Often, as parents we are tired! Frazzled by never-ending obligations, we sometimes neglect to fully engage with our kids. Try to enjoy the little parenting moments as they happen. 

  • It’s OK to have a messy house sometimes.
  • It’s OK to get a sitter and go out.
  • It’s OK to stay home with the kids — watch a movie or play a game!
  • It’s OK to make cookies this year from frozen Pillsbury dough instead of homemade.
  • It’s OK to sit in the warm car at the park while you watch your older kids go sledding.
  • It’s OK to re-gift — its green!
  • It’s OK to give your kids less gifts … they will appreciate them more.
  • It’s OK to say NO without giving a reason!
  • It’s OK to order pizza 3 times this week because life is busy — and the kids will actually eat it!
  • It’s OK to go to a party with baby spit-up on your shoulder and down your back.
  • It’s OK to let the kids have a little extra TV, computer or game time if it helps keep you sane.
  • It’s OK to let go of the parenting guilt! We all do our best.
  • It’s OK to not be perfect!

  

 

From The Unemployed Mom Blog

What Does A SAHM Do?

by The Unemployed Mom on 06/10/09 at 3:32 pm I find it amusing that some people think a Stay At Home Mom (SAHM) does nothing all day long. While we may not have a written job description, we do have a very important obligation which is taking care of our children. My blog title “The Unemployed Mom” is a complete oxymoron, which is typically why I receive laughs when people hear it. Anyway, I wanted to share a few thoughts about being a SAHM and let people know more about what we do. 

  1.  Being a SAHM doesn’t start at 8 am and end at 5 pm like a typical job. Our children dictate when our day begins and when it ends.
  2. Overtime occurs regularly, yet we do not get paid time and a half. We are compensated with hugs and kisses which is far more rewarding. Of course, we do receive our share of unpleasant compensation too (diaper blowouts, fussy kids, food spills, bathroom blunders, wet beds, tantrums, etc.).
  3. We do not receive vacation or sick time and must fulfill our duties 24/7, 365 days a year! No, we do not get weekends off either!
  4. We have a big responsibility which is trying to set the right example for our children and being the perfect role model. This can be challenging at times if we are frustrated or dealing with real world issues.
  5. A SAHM has mastered the art of multi-tasking! We are able to focus on many things at once but still keep our child’s safety and interests at the top of the list!
  6. We do not have one whining boss to answer to, we have our significant other AND our children!
  7. A SAHM is also a teacher, day care provider, guidance counselor, taxi driver, photographer, CEO, nutritionist, chef, laundry attendant, maid, accountant, janitor, entertainer, nurse, party planner, personal stylist, administrative assistant and a baker. Keep in mind, we are not compensated…but imagine what our salary SHOULD be with these responsibilities!
  8. We are extremely flexible! Our goal may be to complete our to-do list; however, our children dictate what our day actually consists of. Some days are extremely laid back while others are complete chaos. We must “go with the flow” and make the best of it, even if that means not accomplishing what we planned to.
  9. Being a SAHM is exhausting, there is never a dull moment! Some evenings, I am ready to fall asleep before my toddler goes to bed!
  10. We love our children dearly; however, staying home with a fussy or sick child can be draining! We do need a break once in a while, even if it is just to take a quiet walk alone to clear our minds. When our significant other arrives home, we do not need to hear “why do you need a break, you stay home all day”!  I challenge any person who asks this infuriating question to stay home alone with their child for just one day…I am pretty confident they will beg to return to their regular job!

I have held a variety of professional positions and being a SAHM is by far the job I am most proud of (and as mentioned above, it is one of the most exhausting)! My child is only little once and I feel blessed to share every single day with him. 

 The next time someone says a SAHM doesn’t do much, please direct them to this blog! 

FROM Mom.Salary.com 

If paid, the typical Stay-at-Home Mom in Hicksville, NY would earn the pay shown below for her work as a mother.

 Earning Statement  
For the year ending: May 2010
Job title Hourly Rate Hours worked
Housekeeper $11.10 728
Cook $14.73 364
Day Care Center Teacher $14.73 1,040
Facilities Manager $35.13 520
Computer Operator $17.15 624
Van Driver $16.72 364
Psychologist $42.12 624
Janitor $10.89 416
Laundry Machine Operator $11.16 0
Chief Executive Officer $56.63 260
Staff Nurse – RN $31.66 208
Event Planner $29.30 312
Nutritionist $25.95 208
Logistics Analyst $24.85 364
Interior Designer $20.78 156
Bookkeeper $18.91 104
Administrative Assistant $18.52 208
Plumber $18.19 0
General Maintenance Worker $15.56 208
Groundskeeper $13.86 52
Total Value
Regular Hourly Rate $22.56 2,080 $46,934
Over Time Rate $33.85 4,680 $158,402

$205,336

WHAT I OWE MY MOTHER
(Momisms)

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.If you’re going to kill each other, do it  outside.  I just finished cleaning.” 

My mother  taught me RELIGION. 
You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

 My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

My  mother taught me LOGIC.  
Because I said so, that’s  why.”

My mother taught me MORE  LOGIC. 
If you fall out of that swing and break your  neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.  
Make sure you wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.”

My  mother taught me IRONY.  
Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.  
Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.  
Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

My mother taught me about STAMINA.    
You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

My mother taught me about WEATHER.    
This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

My mother taught me about  HYPOCRISY.   
 “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. 
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. 
Just wait until we get home.”

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. 
If you don’t stop crossing  your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”

My mother taught me HUMOR. 
When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

My mother taught me GENETICS. 
You’re just like your father.”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS. 
Shut  that door behind you.  Do you think you were born in a barn?”

My mother taught me WISDOM. 
When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”

My Mother taught me ESP. 
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE. 
“What were you thinking?  Answer me when I talk to you… Don’t talk back to me!”

MY Mother taught me PATIENCE.  
“Sure, you can do that. As soon as you’re 21 and leave the house!”

My Mother taught me DIPLOMACY. 
“I don’t want to hear who started it, It takes two to fight.”

My Mother taught me SHARING. 
“Play nicely with that or I’ll just take it away from both of you.”

My Mother taught me ETIQUETTE.  
“Use your fork! If I see that hand on the table again, I’ll slap it!”

My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
“You are going to get it when you get home!”

My mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD. 
“If you don’t pass your spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught  me about JUSTICE. 
One day you’ll have kids and I hope they turn out just like you!”

But most of all, my mother taught me LOVE. 
“You know that whatever you do or whatever happens, I’ll always stand behind you, no matter what; because I love you.”

-Unknown

Dedicated to; Erika Fitzgerald, Jeanette Fitzgerald, Kathi Buss, Celia Vera, Jennifer Fitzgerald, Sheila Streng, Anne Oldfield,  Heather Hodkinson, Ana Thompson, Donna Ganiaris, Gerri Lima, Allison Schaefer, Kim Baitz, Angela Kobetitsch, Lynne Wiltse, Penny Williams, and so many other moms who have touched my life in one way or another.

ADHD vs. Fibro

If you put a 7-year-old boy with ADHD/ODD alone in a room against  a 41-year-old woman with a really BAD Fibromyalgia flare-up at 5am, who do you think would win???

The weather has been down right crappy this season! With buckets of rain pouring down being my most recent complaint!           

` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \

\ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \`

  ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \ ` \

Fibro and rain make lots of PAIN ~ Pain and Me makes for one very crotchety old woman!!

Add that to no sleep and we are gonna rumble!!

And after the events of this morning my poor son (and husband) can attest to that.

I went to bed last night just shortly after midnight only to lay awake staring at the ceiling for another 2 hours, per usual on a cold and rainy, achy night. At about 3:30am I woke with a start when Leon came running into the room because he just could not sleep. He had asked to sleep in our room. This was not unusual as it happens every so often. We try to deter him from sleeping in our room as much as possible, but at 3:30am after just an hours sleep, I am not going to argue with a child already armed with his stuffed animal, blanket and pillow, so I allowed him to curl up on the floor next to our bed. Sounds cruel, I know, to make him sleep on the floor, however if you were to add Leon to the already crowded bed… NO ONE would sleep.

At some point shortly after Leon’s arrival in our room, Leon climbed into our bed and Ron took the couch. As tired as I finally was, I am a bit fuzzy on how or why that happened.

Then not too long after that I started to feel the persistent pokes in my arm, and my ears picked up some whisperings,;

Leon: “mom?, …….. mom?, mommy?, …(poke),….m0000m!, …..(poke, poke),…..(push),…..(poke),……..(shake), MOM!”

Me: “WHAT!”

Leon: “can we get up now?, I really can’t sleep”

Me: “Leon, no we can’t get up now, it’s (squint at clock) …5 in the morning, just go back to sleep”

Leon: “but I can’t fall back asleep”

Me: “try”

After a few minutes…….

Leon: “okay, I tried,… it’s not working”

Me: “then just lay there with your eyes closed’

Leon: “I did that, but voom!, they just fly open again!”

Me: “Leon!, I really NEED to sleep. Go get a book or something, but I don’t want to hear another sound. Do NOT wake me again until 7 o’clock”

all is is quiet….

                                  ………..

                                               I start dozing again………..

                                                                                                        ………

Then, the searing pain hits me. It’s Leon. He is trying to bore his head right into my back.

Me: “Yooow!, Leon!, That HURT!”

Leon: “Saaaww – awwe – awwwe – reeee!

Me: “THAT’S IT!!”, “Get out!, Get out of my room right this minute!!

Leon: (crying) “That HURT my feelings!!”, “You are mean”

Me: “And you are selfish! Now GET OUT!!!”

Leon: “NO, NO, NO, I am not! I am not selfish, And I am NOT LEAVING, no matter what!!”

Me: “LEON!!!!!!!!!”

Leon: “Fine!!!” , “I’ll go, but I…. (stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp, stomp),(mumble,mumble,mumble), (SLAM!)

Great, just great!, I think, as I am left lying in bed staring at the ceiling, with a tear falling into my ear and a grapefruit left lodged under my lower left shoulder blade. Well, at least that’s what it felt like still feels like any way.

Here is the part where I need to bury my seething anger, my burning pain, and my incredible guilt, and be a parent.

The anger in me wanted to just leave him crying in his room. The pain that was now encompassing my body was urging me to just stay in bed and try to fall back asleep. The guilt was eating me up and making me want to just run right into his room and scoop him right up (as if I could) and hold him tight in my arms and smother him with kisses. The parent in me knew that there was NO WAY, in heck, that I could leave this child of mine to his own devices. Not this early in the morning, not unmedicated, not stewing in his own anger and hurt, not feeling so dejected and sad. Yet I wanted him to understand that he has to follow the rules, he has to stay in bed, he has to do as he is told, and he needs to allow us to sleep in the morning and I wanted him to know what he had done really, really, really, hurt me.

Being that it was now almost 6AM, I calmly told him to stay in his bed and think really hard about everything that had just happened until 6 o’clock, and then he was to come get in bed with me so we could talk about it and what we were both feeling.

I knew that I was not going to be able to get that extra sleep I still so desperately needed. Aside from the fact that without his meds to help him control his impulses, the pain that I felt was not going to subside anytime soon.

While waiting for Leon to find his ‘Aha’ moment I was reaching mine. I started coming up with rationals for Leon’s behavior while trying to justify my own.

ADHD vs. Fibro?

Poor Leon, he can’t help himself – the meds as much as they help him, they also cause some sleep disturbances, ….yeah well, Fibro is no trip to dreamland either, in fact, it’s quite the opposite.

And no matter what time this kid wakes up or how long he has or hasn’t slept, he gets up with an over-abundance of energy. His brain says “go,go,go” and he “go,go,goes” he just can NOT keep still! Meanwhile whether I have 12, 8, 4, or 2 hours of sleep, if I am caught in a flare up, whether it’s due to the weather or any other reason for that matter, I wake up in a crumpled up ball of stiffness and pain, my brain may want to go,go, go, but my body says no,no,no!

Then there is Leon’s ever present need for attention and closeness, that is at it’s strongest in the wee hours of the morning due to a lack of self control because he hasn’t yet taken his meds for the day and his SPD need for deep pressure contact…. vs…. my ultra-sensitivity to light, sound, and (especially) touch, in the mornings (made worse during a flare-up) at the exact moment that he wants to talk, and talk, and talk, and talk while cuddling up real close, all while he can’t sit still. 

My kid is a cuddler and I LOVE that about him, but when he comes at you, it’s with the force of a Mack truck doing 100MPH. Pit that against my screwed up pain receptors that amplifies the perception of pain one-hundred-fold (or worse), and then lets the pain linger and linger, there are going to be sparks.

This morning there were big ones.

6:01 am-

Leon: “mom, can I come in now?”

Me: “Yes, …come here, I think I need a gentle hug”

Leon: “me too”

 After the small  lecture about listening to one’s parents and doing what you are told, we sat talking some more, with him in my arms being real careful not to move too much, as I explained how  fibromyalgia works and how it affects me. I explained that  in some ways, my Fibro is like his ADHD.

Me: “Just like the way your ADHD makes you think and react to things differently, and sometimes you get really really frustrated and angry with it and don’t always act the way you are supposed to, or you’d like to; I get the same way with my Fibromyalgia. When it is really really bad, and the pain feels worse than usual I get really frustrated and angry too and react to it very very badly. And I am sorry for that. Just like sometimes you have to really try to work even harder at how you let your ADHD affect you, I have to really try to work harder at how I let my Fibromyalgia effect me.”; “so maybe we can try to help each other out, like when things are going wrong and you are not as controlled as you’d like to be, I can help you find better ways of handling it”

Leon: “and when you are hurting a lot I can give “Grandma Great Hugs” (there is a story behind that – but that is for another time – basically it translates to soft, long, hugs)

Me: “Thanks, honey, and I am really sorry that I let my fibro get the better of me, but what you did really really hurt a lot and it was hard to control how I was feeling but I will try harder next time, I hope you can forgive me”.

Leon: “I do, but mom? can I tell you something?”

Me: “of course sweetie”

Leon: “You really really hurt me too”

Me: “I did?, How did I hurt you?”

Leon: “well you hurt my feelings when you said I was selfish”

Me: “well Leon, I feel like you were awake and you really really wanted to have someone be awake with you so you kept talking and talking and moving and moving, and then you pushed your head into my back really hard so I would be awake too. I thought that was a little selfish”

Leon: “but mom I wasn’t trying to push my head into your back, I was just trying to rub (nuzzle) my cheek on you, I just wanted to get closer to you”.  

Me: “well maybe that was part of  it, but maybe you were hoping to wake me up at the same time?”

Leon: “a little but I just wanted to cuddle, we haven’t done that a lot in a long time. And besides it still hurt my feelings”

-He was right this winter’s flare-up has lasted longer and been harsher than any in the past. Cuddling with a moving Mack truck isn’t the most appealing prospect right now.

Me: “well I am sorry that I hurt your feelings”

Leon: “and I am sorry I hurt your fibro, or whatever it is”

We talked some more, discussing our feelings and ways we could help each other more, and about how no matter what we will always love the other more…

What started out pretty miserably ended up pretty nice in the end. We had a really really nice heart to heart. Hopefully the first of many!!

Soooo….

If you put a 7-year-old boy with ADHD/ODD alone in a room against  a 41-year-old woman with a really BAD Fibromyalgia flare-up at 5am, who do you think would win???

 

in the end…

                            …LOVE WINS!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s so special about today?

It’s Ron and my 9 year wedding anniversary today, and with all that has been going on we all but forgot to celebrate. It’s been a rough couple of weeks and things just keep piling on. I’m emotionally and mentally spent with all that’s been going on with Leon because things are continuing to escalate with him. Ron is stressed over work both in the office and at home. Like I said it’s been a rough couple of weeks. We’ve had bad days before and we’ll have bad days again. So today, on our anniversary we barely mumbled Happy Anniversary to one another. I’m okay with that though, because today is just a day like any other day.

I mean really, what is so special about today? It just a plain old Thursday, a Thursday that just happens to be 108 months after Ron and I said I do.  That’s 469 weeks or 3,287 days ago. Wow! We have been married for 3,287 days! That’s a lot of days. I can’t say that every single one of them was great. Like I said we’ve had plenty of bad days, Ron has had bad days and I have had bad days, together and separately. Some how we always have been there for one another unconditionally – if it happens to him, it happens to me and vice versa.  And one thing I can say for sure, is that there have been many, many, many more good days then there have been bad. Both the good and the bad times have made us that much stronger and that much more in love with one another.

We’ve been married for 78,900 hours and while we haven’t spent every single one of those 4,734,034 minutes of that time together I have loved every single 284,042,097 second of it!!!

So what’s so special about today?

EVERYTHING!

 

 i love you, ron!!!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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