Just call me Jiji

…me, just pretending to be me ….now, where did I put that cape??

Archive for the tag “psychiatrist”

I think I may be part Hedgehog

I just figured out something new in the world of; whatever the
frak is wrong with me.

When I get agitated, frustrated, or upset my quills come out. At
least that’s what it feels like,

…only my quills aren’t fine little hairs that stand on end. My
quills are invisible and feel like really long sharp needles attached to nerve
endings that are slowly trying to make their way out from under my skin.

I know sounds horrible; imagine how it feels!

I’ve come to this conclusion based on the day’s activities and the
reaction it caused.

Hubby’s insurance plan is a real sucky one! We have a $2,400 detuctable
that we need to meet at the beginning of each year for our in-network service
plan. We are generally broke for the first 3 months of the year, because all
our money goes to the insurance company for all the meds Leon and I take on a
daily basis.

Well if that isn’t bad enough, our insurance plan demands another
$2,4oo for any Out-of-Network services. So why don’t we stay in network?
Because we can’t find a damn In-network doctor to see us. And by us I mean Leon
and I.

Leon needs a therapist, as well as a social skills group. I have
found two doctors that come very highly recommended, BUT… they are of course
Out-of-Network. Then there is me. Woe is me.

At my doctor visit yesterday with my primary care doctor, I was
advised to seek psychiatric care…. oh and here is a new prescription for even
more meds. In case anyone is keeping score that’s 10 pills a day. As my friend
Kim said “my mom doesn’t even take that many”

It’s frustrating; however, the advice isn’t wrong. I think getting
psychiatric help would be a plus, providing I can find one that I am
comfortable with. I think I definitely do need to speak with a therapist to
help me untangle this life that seems to have gotten completely out of control,
and if that person can also help me reduce the amount of medication I am taking
that would be excellent.

So today I printed out the list of in-network doctors that are in
a 10 mile radius. I was on a roll, and getting things done today. I was pretty
proud of myself for not putting it off. It was time to do some research, I hate
the idea of randomly picking out a doctor that is going to be picking my brain
and telling me who I am, from a list. I much prefer to have a recommendation
from a friend or a referral from a doctor. Unfortunately I am the only crazy
person among my friends so no help there, and as for doctor referrals… well
let’s just say that apparently none of the “good” doctors take my
insurance. So it was between me and the computer to decide who I would choose. Unfortunately
the computer was no help AT ALL! I was hoping to find some reviews on the
doctors on the list to help me choose. Ummmm, Yea, No!

As the time passed and I hit road block after road block I got
more and more frustrated. I called doc after doc after doc, and I was getting
nowhere. Some numbers on the list where wrong, some were fax machines, some had
terribly rude receptionists, one receptionist asked me why I needed to see the
doctor, and when I said, “depression…….and some issues with ADHD, I
guess”; her response was, “Oh, he doesn’t treat that”

What? What the what? Okeeeee…. moving on. One only specialized
in substance abuse, another in geriatrics (I was too young, go figure), one
doctor whom I was actually able to find a review on, now practices two states
over; and then there was the one with whom I spoke to directly, and it wasn’t
until I gave him every last detail about me that he realized I was calling
about his practice in the county that I live in rather than a neighboring one.
Unfortunately he isn’t seeing new patients in my county. I also skipped around
on the list, picking and choosing friendly names. Silly, I know but the names
were all I had to go on and well, I don’t know how to say this without sounding
a bit prejudice, which I am soooo not, so I’ll just say it very plainly as, I
prefer the doctor with whom I am going to spend a lot of time communicating
with, to have english as their first language. No disrespect intended but if I
can’t understand the accent how can they help me? So I skipped quite a few
names until they were all that was left.

Four hours later, I still haven’t found a doctor and I am hurting
and uncomfortable and realizing that these weird pins and needles/prickling
thing was getting worse the more I agonized over finding a damn doctor. And it
isn’t just pins and needles, its worse; it’s like a million needles trying to
escape my body all at once. In my arms, my hands, my cheeks, my lips, and on
the back of my neck.

So yeah I think I may be part hedgehog. Don’t they get all sharp
and prickly when they are agitated??

triple bypass panic attack !!!!

panictoday is going to be one hell of a day!!!!

My Panic attack just had a triple bypass panic attack!!!!!!

In writing these posts to my blog I am trying to calm dowm  – it’s a release, but it isn’t instant. so my breathing is shallow tears occasionally fall from my eyes and my fibro racks my body with pain. with each word i feel it and release it.

that’s what I was doing in my last post. that and reading up on the psychiatrist that the CSE is sending us to see today in just an hour.

then my husband had to open his big fat mouth and say something stupid. He didn’t mean to. I KNOW that!!! I KNOW he is dealing with it too in his own way but he just sent me into the biggest panic attack I have ever had. He was concerned about my panic attack and the meeting. He started talking about how because this doctor is being paid by the school that she may be the enemy, we need to be aware of that and I guess watch ourselves. that agitated me but it wasn’t what threw me over the edge. I expressed that we are going to a medical professional who took the Hippocratic oath, her first priority is to the patient. I did not want to go into this with feelings of negativity ready to do battle with the person who is supposed to help us. This agitated me so much that my speech got hurried and elevated my breathing became deep, my body started twisting even more in pain, and the tears started to flow. his response was to say that the Dr. first priority MAY be to the people paying her and and you don’t want to go in there looking like a crazy person where she can blame the parents.

ASSHOLE!!!!!! that’s what I said to him and stormed out crying.

poor Leon walked in on this and got very concerned for me, “what’s wrong?!?” “what’s wrong, are you okay mom?”

I rushed passed him mid triple bypass panic attack and said “I’m fine, mommy is fine”  but thinking – What’s wrong is you jumped out a window!!!

I cried, i hyperventilated, i freaked, i called my best friend.

She helped bring me part way down reminding me that Ron is going through this too and he is trying his best to deal with it to. On top of having to deal with my crazies he is also wrangling Leon while I am going crazy.

time to cut him a break.

I love you Sheil and I love you Ron.

………………………….whew, still wound up but much calmer than I was.

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